My poor Mom got the horrible news today. Her close friend and invaluable helper passed away last night. She is taking it hard.
I am trying to find as much support as possible. This is horrible because he was a great friend and took care of the house and passed on mail notifications.
I'm going crazy trying to figure out what to do with comforting Mom, finding her a helper, taking care of the house and her mail from long distance. I'll see if I can get her mail sent to email and diverted to my address. I don't want to miss notices or bills.
The police came and went; his sister was at the house and arranged care for her cats. Beyond that, I hope I can find someone who may live there as a helper.
This is too much right now. Sorry for the droning on.
I would encourage you to contact the USPS about doing a weekly fed-ex forwarding. Not sure what it is called but, the post office keeps the mail and then forwards it where you request. When we did it, it cost 9.99 weekly and was very efficient. We just used general delivery wherever we were, if memory serves, we couldhavehad it deliveredtoan address of our choosing. We got mail weekly without fail, it's a great service that the post office offers.
You can do this and put in change of address with whatever mail she is getting directly with the sender. I recommend this route because a general change of address gets your address on any junk too.
Be super careful to make sure any change of address has the address as mailing address only, give moms facility address, if needed. You do not want to create confusion about moms address, not with Medicaid involved.
I know this is beyond challenging for both of you, I pray that The Lord gives you guidance, wisdom and strength to get through this hard time.
Looks like you are going to have to make a trip. When you do, if you are POA, you can put through a change of address for Mom, but question then is how she will get her own personal mail. It may be a case where now Mom will not be able to manage alone. You will need to assess this. If you are still working do look into a family leave program and spend what time you must to get things first assessed, then acted on.
Why?
There is family leave for those who need it. This is clearly an emergency. Your mother has lost the help she depended on and you don't know how capable she is of sustaining herself. If you are the only child, and the only support system then you OWE IT TO YOUR MOTHER to either get there to at least assess her needs or to get someone else to do so.
Only you know if your mother is fully capable of sustaining herself without help or support, or a move to you or to care. If someone else can do an assessment, see to it that it's done. If not, and if you honestly cannot make it to where she lives, then you owe it to your mother, if you feel she isn't fully capable, of reporting to APS that she should have a wellness check in her home.
You can call APS and simply tell them you are very worried; you've no idea if your mother is in need of help now that she's sustained the loss of the only person caring for her. Ask them to make a wellness check and then check in with you.
This honestly is CLEARLY something worrying you or you would not have written us here. I don't see your simply throwing your hands up with "This is all too much right now". I will frankly tell you, no matter what each of us has gone through on this site, it was ALWAYS TOO MUCH. Many -- I include myself-- felt helpless and terrified. That doesn't mean we are free to wash our hands of it.
I hope you'll update us.
Sorry for your loss and the loss for your Mother's friend.
I recommend either Boots on the Ground or APS, right away.
A long-distance caregiver can work out for you and your Mom, however there are times during the year that the caregiver needs to be physically present.
This is one of those times. Unknown people will be coming in, some having motives to enrich themselves at your mother's expense.
Secure the area.
I understand and respect that your job is exhausting and your own personal things are piling up.
This caregiver that passed was an extremely important part of your mother's life, especially since the person was living in your mother's home and caring for her. Your mother will be grieving this loss. Compounded by moving out the personal belongings of this person she had some type of relationship with.
You are planning for a new person or people to come into her life, either by living in her home or having your mother placed in care.
This is going to be a very confusing and challenging time for your mother.
Please try to take some time off to be with your mother during this time. This is her life that has been upended. It's not just a series of business transactions that need to be handled.
Your mother will greatly benefit from someone she knows and trusts to help her thru this giant change in her life. Are there any other relatives who can be there to help her if you cannot? Any other close friends of hers that can be paid to help her? I hope so.
Be there for your mom during this crisis.
ideally you can at least go for a short visit.
Assisted living is ideal. The peace of mind it gives is tremendous especially since you have so much on your plate.
My Lord,this really complicates everything! Your mom is so vulnerable and the wrong person could rob her blind, taking the house,too. Could be in your best interest to appoint guardianship to the state, if possible. Someone reliable has to represent her and protect her from scam artists.
Being a cat mom for 45 years, I know what it means to have those purring motorboats in the home. I also know, that if I couldn't take care of them, I'd let them go to someone who could. Being a elder, I wouldn't let them go to any kids, not fair to the cats that have had the senior life of quiet time. Can your mom be moved to a facility by you? This sounds like the best scenario. She will have someone she knows and loves her,right there!
Your employer is required to send you to your mother on emergency family leave. Tell your situation to your supervisor and HR. This is very hard, and I hope your employer pays for at least part of your absence.
You don't need to explain yourself, you have already shared that it is a difficult relationship at best and you just can't do it. You have no reason to feel bad.
We do the best we can and that is ALL we can do. I say hooray for those that can drop everything and spend money they may or may not have to go prop up a situation like you are facing. Not everyone can.
I am glad to hear that she isn't struggling with the loss of her mate and you have a plan A and B for the house and cats.
You got this! You are doing great advocating for your mom, don't let anyone tell you different.
My mom is fine and there is no problem with our relationship. I am trying to preserve her ability to see her cats. This may not be a logical goal. Not sure. The place is a wreck due unseen neglect. I will try to do an assessment to see if it is possible to have the place cleaned out. The friend has a TON of stuff there which has to be taken care of first. I found out that an exterminator needs to be called also. At the same time, the replacement credit card I ordered was not delivered by USPS so that card is frozen. When I know more about still having employment Ill set up time to visit and look at the house. I set her up a corded phone linked to a cell phone so we can stay in touch by private phone from the Nursing home. She likes that.
When my elderly loved one was in assisted living, I realized much later that I could not write or send gifts because his mailbox (at assisted living) was forwarded to the POA.
You initially wrote: "(He) took care of the house and passed on mail notifications."
Now I read: " the replacement credit card I ordered was not delivered by USPS so that card is frozen." So sorry this is happening, and may take some time to sort out.
Just some thoughts....
This is a red-flag as you know, when the card was frozen, so you will need to find out some things from the bank. Can you put a credit freeze on your Mom's accounts and order a credit report from the 3 credit reporting agencies?
Do you know yet if her income goes directly to the nursing home?
Have you heard of Care Managers? (Certified, I hope).
BTW, I try to give advice based upon what is ideal for the caregiver and their Mom. If you cannot go, keep in mind there are others who just could not go help or be with their loved one during a crisis. For so many varied reasons. I was one who could not go. It is a very hard and difficult situation to be in.
Good progress on getting the phone for your Mom!
So Mom is being cared for in a NH. So your problem is trying to deal with the things this neighbor did for you.
"Mom is starting to loose her memory and is having trouble with confusion at times."
I just read your current response to Geaton and this caught my eye...
"This should keep her house available for her for a long time."
Is your Mom in a NH for Rehab? If not, then she is in because she is now 24/7 care? It seems to me Mom has signs of Dementia that worsens as time goes on. To the point in later stages, its very hard to care for them at home and they need to be placed. I think for you being so far away it will be very hard finding 24/7 care in her home and be able to manage it. What if an aide does not show up? Are you going to pay someone to manage Moms care? Mom may be better off staying where she is. She has people 24/7 caring for her. That takes some stress off you.
What I found stressful was keeping up Moms house when she was in care. Paying the bills with her money. Checking on it all the time. It became an Albatross around my neck. When it was sold, such a lift was taken off my shoulders. One less thing to worry about.