Calls me such terrible names. I am accused of stealing, lying, plotting, etc. etc. She even calls all over to tell everyone how horrible of a person I am. If she won't let me go there to look after her -- I have to send my sons. they don't want to endure the agony. They do try and take it for as long as they can. I am afraid: to answer the phone; to go over there, to stay there. One day - she wants me to move in with her. I cry all the time. She .. the next she hates me and wants to never see me again. Her hatred and abusive behaviour brings back a childhood of the same. My only sibling lives 600 miles away & encourages her to mistrust me and hate me. Mom has left everything to me in her will --- my sister got 3/4 of her estate already but wants more. She is trying to get my mother to change her will and won't come to help out unless there is something in in for her.
I have no support. I try to help my sons and support them. They do not have to do this - help nanny .. but I do appreciate their help, that if mom won't let me come and help that, at least, my sons make sure she has food in her fridge, a clean house and meals made.
I am losing my mind. 14 or more calls a day to tell me how worthless & useless that I am - that I am a theif, liar...etc. etc.
She calls everyone.
Banks to tell them that I am stealing her money. (I am paying her bills)
... all her sisters & friends to tell them that I am trying to have her certified and put in a home. (I am abiding by her wishes to keep her in her home).
The police to tell them that I have stolen her car, money, etc.
She should not drive because she doesn't even know what "the buttons and knobs are for".
So, I try to keep her car away from her. She has many sets of car keys hidden in her home.
I want to give up but I won't. I was taught that you cannot do that. I was raised by being abused, beaten and belittled. My sister was given everything.. love, kindness, school funding up to and including university; houses, forgiveness, understanding, acceptance. I never experienced any form of love from my parents. to this day; I still don't understand why I was hated, so much.
However, I can't continue to feel spiteful because my mother actually needs me in her dementia.
I am just so sick of being treated like I am the most evil person on this earth.
I know this was a very long first question. It seems to me to be so very complicated. Yet, I am sure that I am not the only one out there going through this.
Please read through the other posts here. Yours is a very common issue and there is lots of great advice given.
This is very complicated, no doubt.
If she's always been like this, then you REALLY have your hands full! If this is newish, could be a UTI or advancing dementia. Set some boundaries and make sure you are taking care of yourself and your sons FIRST.
Either way, can someone get her to the doc to check her out and see what she needs to help make her more reasonable?
As someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse, emotional, some physical and financial, I strongly believe the a person who was abused should never be put in the position of providing care to their abuser.
Your mother is likely not capable of providing you love and affection and you need to accept that her behaviours will not change. All you can do is change your own behaviour.
Do not let any notion of an inheritance sway your actions. Even if there are millions at stake, your and your son's peace of mind is worth far more.
What I have done is at various times and for various periods of time, stopped all contact with both my parents (they divorced many years ago). I also invested in a great deal of therapy, 100's of hours and 10's of thousands of dollars.
Next I have put boundaries in place. I will not provide any hands on care. I will leave the room, hang up the phone etc, if the parents starts abusing me. I gave one warning early on, now I just exit.
I am a financial professional, so I can easily take care of that, but if either were to accuse me of theft, I would drop everything back on their doorsteps.
I do not send my children to deal with my parents. If the parent's behaviour is abusive, I will not subject my kids to it.
It is incredibly hard to say no, to step back, especially after years of conditioning. But it will save your sanity and your children will not be the subject of another generation of abuse.
So who steps up? It is not your problem, that may sound harsh, but if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, or come down with Covid, someone would have to step up to the plate. It really does not have to be you or your children.
Do not mention POA documents, if you are her POA, resign. If you are not, report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and tell them clearly that due to her repeated accusations, you can no longer provide any form of care.
I bet you feel trapped with no where to turn. You do not need to turn, you need to step back and keep stepping back until you are out of her line of fire. It is not your responsibility to ensure she can age in place in her home.
Maybe your Mother doesn't know what else to do, who else to ask for help. She may well need help but she does not have the right to demand it. Or who by.
You also do not have the right to send your sons to help.
I was treated like this in my family, sent to do the caregiving. Couldn't see the big picture due to FOG (Fear, Obligation Guilt). But I can see clearly now. What I see is needy people becoming selfish with their own issues, unable to plan or solve their own problems. So I talk to them with reason to find reasonable solutions *that suit all of us*. If they cannot be reasonable - I step out.
Your Mother will continue to be a bully unless you stand up for yourself.
I am still in the same position. My sister continues to refuse to help me. She just wants our mother in a home and throw away the key.
I promised my mother that I would ensure she would not go to a home... unless she was basically in a coma. (her wishes).
My sister refused to assume the P.O.A. for personal care unless she can have full access and authority over all of mom's finances. I informed her that mom still has authority over her finances. I only look after her health and well-being.
I am still accused me of crimes & called terrible names. She tells me that she will destroy me and put me in jail for the rest of my life because I "abuse her": I DO NOT. I WOULD NOT!!!
Worse still, now she ramps up the daily calls to my sons.- 5, 6, 7, etc. times a day. They have lives & problems of their own. I tell them ways to distance the calls but they are like me and feel guilty about it! At least they don't believe her anymore.
I feel guilty because they feel guilty.
I also raised my children to take care of your family.
My dad had Alzheimer's and lived with us for 7 years; while they grew up. That was a walk in the park; compared to my mother!
What a cyclical bunch of bulls*** we all live in.
I am now made to feel guilty about "how hard" she tried to "help" me and I "refused that help"!
I still don't know how to get through to her. I am not "out for" anything. She is even more mad at me now and hates me even more.
She is trying even trying much harder to discredit me; both professionally and personally.
I don't know how to keep this all together.
Spite my foot. Haven't you heard of righteous anger? If you can't feel it for yourself, remember what you owe your children.
In any case, nobody wishes ill to your mother, it isn't a question of "punishing" her, and the right facility will be much more effective than you can possibly be in supporting her mental health and helping her to improve her mood.
So this is about protecting the people who really do need your protection: yourself, and your children.
You have formed the same habits she has. She is the abuser and you the abusee.
What happens to your mother is of little to no interest to me. But I do hope you will choose now to save yourself, and to prevent your own children being trained to be abusees.
This is something only a professional can guide you in. I wish you the very best and am so sorry for what you have endured. But it's time now to break the habits, and move into a better life. It will be very difficult to make new, healthier habits; you will over and over again want to retreat into what you "know" and what you have become "comfortable with" .
What makes HER wishes more important than yours?
There is no "reason" for your parents' mistreatment of you as a child (or as an adult) that you need to seek. Know that she is mentally ill and needs far more help than can be given in a home setting. She needs professional care and dispassionate caregivers who don't have a history of being abused by her.
This is NOT "giving up". This is making a better, more rational choice.
There is no excuse for your mother's abuse of you, either as a child or now. None. Looking for reasons why it happened is, at this point, useless. You are seeking rational explanations for irrational acts. Maybe that is a luxury you will have in the future, once you can find some healing for yourself; but right now, the immediate issue is finding a way to set some major boundaries - both for your sake and that of your sons.
I'm going to assume mom does not live with you. If that's the case, contact your local area of aging, tell them she is not safe living alone, and you are DONE with her abuse, and will no longer assume care for her; then block her phone number and get yourself to a therapist who can start you on your own road to freedom from this woman. I know that seems harsh but it is really gentle compared to the way she has treated you all your life!
You matter; anyone who tried to make you feel otherwise is TOXIC and should be purged from your very existence!
You've had a lifetime of mom's abusive so it's not just the dementia talking. I know how it is to have parents like yours and how it was growing up as the family scapegoat that took the blame for all the ills of the world. All too often that child grows up and gets the miserable burden of being caregiver to elderly parents dumped on them.
It's time to have a serious talk with your sibling and lay the cards on the table that you will no longer be caring for your mother and neither will your sons. Do this for your own sake as well as theirs. Your sibling has to take over now and make care arrangements for your mother or APS (Adult Protective Services) in your state will be doing it. You don't have to tolerate anymore of your mother's asinine rants or insults regardless of her dementia. You don't have to take every phone call from her, or any if you don't want to. You certainly do not have to cater to her every whim and go running the second she demands something. You will never get the validation from her that you deserve and have been looking for since you were a kid. No matter how much you do for her or try. You will never get it. Now I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth.
She clearly is no longer capable of living on her own. Find a nursing home for her to go to and for you let that be the end of it. If your sibling wants to keep mom at home, then your sibling can make the arrangements for that and take the responsibility of making sure it works out.
Also, please and I beg you for the sake of public safety, call the police and your state's Department of Motor Vehicle because your mother must NOT be allowed to be behind the wheel anymore.
If she kills someone while driving because she forgets where she's going or can't remember what she's doing, having dementia will not bring that person or people back from the dead. It's time for you to call APS and let them help.
The next time she calls to berate you about how useless and worthless you are, tell her to STFU and hang up on her. You're getting a free pass to do that this one time. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
My relative too. But my view is now simple.
If she can arrange her care needs herself - she can keeping living in her home.
(By care needs I mean ALL activities of daily living: managing bills, bathe, shop, cook).
If she cannot do these things, or arrange services to provide assistance to do them - then she will need to move to where this can be provided for her.
If she has loses reason or insight & is living in filth, I will call Dept of Human Services (our APS).
It is NOT my responsibility to make her wishes come true.
I hope this makes you laugh..
When reaching my limit of hearing "I wish.." I told that person "to get a wand!"
You do have choices. If you take yourself and your sons out of the equation, what happens? You can help and protect without being the direct provider. Just recently we called APS to ask their advice on something we were anticipating fall out from with FIL. They were very helpful and said if things went the way we were expecting they could get involved if we needed them. Luckily things went well but just engaging them and knowing our options and having them in our back pocket....huge relief!! There are resources. For you and for her. Please explore those. Don't let this perpetuate any further. You and your sons could be locked into this for a very long time!! What happens when/if they start making plans for their own lives? Moving away, new jobs, families? What about your own future? Is this how you want to spend it? Please look into your options!!!
But, it was so smart of you to utilize the resources out there, even if it was just to know they were there for backup. Just having a plan b Or safety net is so helpful in laying boundaries and changing a dynamic.
It’s time to let go of the idea of a loving caring parent, no matter how much you do it will never be enough or good enough for the narcissist. It’s a painful but also a freeing process, you can stop blaiming yourself for not being ‘good enough’.
Set boundaries. Get an answer phone and decide to speak with your mum when you choose to.
She should not be driving, take away her license notify the police that your mother has dementia. Get in touch with social services for support, explain the situation. Ignore your sister as she is not being very helpful and get guardianship through the courts.
Time to take charge of your mother, she will only get worse as the dementia progresses.
These awful parents have no idea of the pain they cause, and if they did they wouldn’t care. I understand your pain, the scape goats of this world are conditioned from a young age to be their parents carers, it’s because we want their approval, to please them and that never happens.
Your mother is old, try to ignore her hateful words and treat it like another job, emotionally detach from the situation.
also point out to the sibling that legally your mother cannot sign any documents due to her dementia, get confirmation from her doctor first.
wish you luck.