Hi everyone i posted last year about my overly critical Mother who I support. There’s only me doing a lot- shopping, housework, a lot really. Last Year we had an argument in the car in front of my 17 year old over him going to Uni. She said I had wasted my time at Uni and didn’t want him making the same mistakes. It was awful and I was mortified he heard what she was saying about me. The advice from the forum was to take a step back- I didn’t. He since decided on his own to train as an Electrician after college - I thought she’d be pleased - how wrong I was. Ever time we meet she says it’s my fault he’s changed his mind about Uni- she just goes on and on- it’s been so draining. Stupidly I still carried on doing all these jobs for her, taking her out- sometimes she doesn’t speak to me or just snaps at me. There’s only me to look after her- I have no one else to help or talk to.Today it came to a head- I took her for a coffee after work. She barely said 2 words so I knew trouble was brewing. At her house she said she was so upset at 83 years of age having to worry about her grandson- how I don’t care what happens to him and then she said she wants us both out of her life- to leave her house and not come back. I just can’t carry on like this - she’s making me so miserable. But the living with the guilt of not seeing her and helping out makes me so anxious. I just sometimes wonder when this will all be over.Thanks for reading
Nicole, you were already at the end of the rope when you first wrote us in early November. You had wonderful answers at that time.
Did any of those answers help you at all?
You seem STUCK in "She's making me so miserable".
I can only repeat my first answer to you: I really don't have any others.
So here's my copy/paste:
Answer from me on November 1:
"You tell us that your mother has "always been negative".
Yet you have CHOSEN (I do mean to capitalize that word) to do a lot for her.
Why? Because this IS your choice as an adult.
You have also chosen to take "seriously" her continual critiques of the world in general and you and your choices in particular.
You have assumed the mantle of victim here as though it is an earned reward; you cannot work full time because of her?
No, again you CHOOSE not to work full time so that you can continue to "do" for someone who you will never make happy; happiness isn't her gig and it isn't her goal.
I suggest that you seek the help of a good therapist. Please don't do any of that online nonsense. Those folks get paid almost nothing to do "therapy" and they are worth even less. Get a good cognitive therapist who can shake you up a bit and set you on a different path to bring wholeness and happiness to your life. Your mom is ALREADY quite happy. This is how she likes it. The ball is now in your court. You have a choice to make for your own happiness. Or NOT. Many stay in the role -- and families are full of role-play of the helpless victim.
From the time you were in the school yard you were familiar with the "schoolyard bully", am I right? From the time two girl friends got together to shut you out and make you feel small you were aware that some folks take delight in abusing others, right? Sadly your Mom is one of them. There's a secret to dealing with the type. Steer CLEAR of them.
I wish you good luck, but there's no magic wand. This will take work. And it will take change. And it is HARD work. But you will feel very proud of yourself (and SHOULD) and you will never again need the opinion of a mean-spirited old crone to make you feel worthy--not ever again. You will be able to laugh at her nonsense and that will be the day you know you're healed."
I think that you and mom are locked in a very weary war now that is ruled by habit.
I hope you will take my suggestion and seek therapy for yourself. Be ready to have a GOOD therapist shake you up pretty hard in order to get you to see there are other paths for you to follow than the one you currently are choosing.
You know what you have to do yet you continue to spin your wheels hoping that you are going to get out of the rut you are in but it is just digging you deeper.
STOP doing what you are doing for her.
You need to rethink your priorities. (and it is not your mother)
Oh, and if she really said she does not want to see you anymore then take her at her word and stop contact.
You wrote us back it November. Mom is 83 according to your last post. You say nothing about her having health problems. IMO you do too much for her. I would not be cleaning her house. How dirty can one person be. She can hire a cleaning lady. Me, I don't touch dirt so I would not be her gardener either. I think u may be in the UK? Here in the US you can order groceries and have them delivered. Prescriptions can be dlvd. We have senior bussing.
Your Mom is toxic. You will never make her happy, so don't even try. You have to rise above her critism. Ignore it. Your Uni educated so your smart. Why do you feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. She has given u a gift, freedom. Find out what services your area has for Seniors. Make a list. When she calls, and she will, tell her its been nice not having to hear her critism and put downs. The peace and quiet and no extra work has been so nice. You have a list of services she can take advantage of because you no longer are going to be at her beck and call.
Time to stand up for yourself. She needs you more than you need her. Lay those boundaries. There is a book by Townsend and Cloud called Boundaries. Its Christian based.
Why? To get the love and approval you so desperately want and need from a mom who is incapable of either?
Surely you know by now(or perhaps you don't)that you deserve SO much better, right?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so QUIT doing the same thing over and over!!! Enough is enough!
And be grateful that you now have an out with your mentally ill mom and that you don't have to continue going to help her. She'll figure things out on her own.
I do hope that you are in therapy for this very dysfunctional and to some degree co-dependent relationship you have going on with a woman who really doesn't deserve any of it.
Oh...and it will be over when you say it is and again when you say enough is enough. Try it you might just like it!
Please take advantage of this so you can get a break.
When you come here for advice, the advice you get is based on the scar tissue we've experienced ourselves.
Stop seeing her, give her what she wants. Consider this a GIFT!
Did Perfect Mom take care of her elderly parents at all? I doubt it.
I think your son is brilliant to be an Electrician. He will make as much as a lawyer when he gets his contractor license. I worked in Development for 30 years, Electricians are the best paid and in highest demand. He's awesome!
What has your Mom done so great with HER life? She is mooching off her daughter, and torturing her being so selfish and vile at the same time? PLEASE see a therapist, and dump the guilt over such a toxic person. You made vows to your HUSBAND, not your horrible Mother.
Stop any financial support too. You aren't her free punching bag!
Since your Mom has told you to not come back......DON'T GO BACK.
She wants you to plead with her to take care of her. Don't do it. She has conditioned you to do for her, no matter what. If she does ask you back (more likely complain that you are not around to help her) set strict limits. And stick to them. I suggest if she criticizes even one tiny bit, head out the door. Or hang up the phone.
Or, you have the choice to tell your Mom you are taking her advice and not coming back. Period.
I AM WORTH MORE THAN HOW I AM BEING TREATED. I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT.
Please say this out loud to yourself. Multiple times. It is true.
I want to add a story. My Mom used to get on me about my weight. I was about 35 pounds overweight. 5 ft. 10 in. and 200 pounds. She mentioned it every phone conversation. She lived long distance, but I visited yearly. I worked diligently for 8 months to lose the weight. I was so proud. When I went to visit Mom I showed off my waistline. Her response? "That's nice. Why are your teeth so yellow?"
I can chuckle now, but I was devastated then. I too am worth more than how I was treated.
You are going to have to take a long look in the mirror and explain to the woman there that she is a GROWN UP now.
The choice to sit and bemoan your fate will not help you.
It will get sympathy from a few folks for a little while. And then they will just be frustrated with your inability to stand up and tell bullies to stop it.
You have to take responsibility for your own life and your own decisions.
Lunch with this woman is a BAD DECISION. So don't do it. Or do it and accept that it was your choice and you bear the responsibility.
Sorry to seem so very brutal, but I am trying to get you to shake yourself out of this. Truly, to keep exposing yourself to a bullying abuser is a CHOICE.
Please take care of yourself. When you do, and when you stand for yourself, then you will be able to pat yourself on the back, have self-respect, and enough self esteem that it won't matter what the old bat thinks. You will be able to laugh her off. And that's a big win.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck.
A reporter asked her what was the greatest tragedy of her life. She replied that the greatest tragedy of her personal life was that her father didn't allow her to attend Wellesley College.
Yup. She had already lost a daughter (who she institutionalized and had a lobotomy done on) and a son to assassination. But to her mind the greatest tragedy was that she didn't get to go to the college she wanted to.
Go figure! People tell us by their actions and words who they are, and what has meaning to them. BELIEVE THEM!
Only speak to her every other week and visit her once a month.
Tell her you're not going to help her anymore but you will call a homecare agency to get her a home/health aide. Then that's it. You control this situation, not her. You really should let her know that your son's sole purpose in life is not to make her happy. Nor is it yours.
Let her get a taste of what life is like when you take a big step back. See how much of an entitled ingrate she is when you don't come when she commands.
It's important that you model for your son not to allow people to treat him abusively as he goes forward into his adult life. Actions speak louder than words, so you need to show him that such treatment should not and will not be tolerated.
Spend your time with people who respect you and bring you joy.
I'm sorry, it must hurt. Your mom is unhappy and trying to take it out on you. You can't make her happy, no matter how much you do for her. No one can. I'd be inclined to leave her alone if that's what she wants. We all have to live with our choices. Focus on your wonderful son. Don't let her come between you. All too soon he'll have his own life and you won't see him so much. Stay as close as you can.
However, I'm in agreement with everyone and that's to leave her be and carry on with your own life.
My aunt was screaming and crying at me that I was no longer in her will when I dropped POA that I never agreed to. She pretty much told me to stop calling her and if something was wrong with her, a family member would get in touch with me.
I haven't spoken to her in a year. I feel as though she has let me off the hook, as I was too far to run back and forth with her and she moved to be near other family.
Consider yourself free. Like someone said, she needs you more than you need her and if she feels that way, oh well. You have your own life.
Your son is a bright bloke. There are very few unemployed electricians, and lots of small business owners starting as electricians. There are currently more university graduates than there are good jobs for them. Your son has made his own decisions. Perhaps he needs to give you his advice, and perhaps he is the one you need to listen to. Good luck!
You aren't going to win her love because she isn't capable of it. It's her fault, not yours, but it's reality. So stop trying. This has moved on to her inflicting her abuse on your son. Why would you want that for him? You don't. You need to protect him from her. And that protects you also.
She can hire and pay people to do the work that you were doing for her. Let her. Now make a list of all the things you have wanted to do but couldn't, and do them. Create the life you have always wanted, without the millstone of her around your neck. You deserve it, after all you have sacrificed.
Woohoo! Let's pop the corks and get the party going! This sounds like something to celebrate 🥳
Well, perhaps a glass of prosecco at the nearest Wetherspoon's 😏
Seriously, you need to breathe and count to ten. When you realise that the sky won't fall down because you're not at your mum's beck and call anymore, you will start to relax. You'll feel a weight fall off your shoulders and you will be able to plan your life for you again.
I work at a technical college and I see that the students who work hard have a lot of opportunities open to them. I wish your son well with his chosen course and career.
I wish you well with your decision to take the advice you've read here and to not fall back into that toxic codependency with your mum. All the best 👍
If you begin to see or talk to your mother again , refrain from involving your children . Your son is an adult now , stop sharing his business with your mother .
If your son wants his grandmother to know what he’s doing that’s up to him to tell her . Honestly I would tell your son to avoid her and her criticism , and not share details of his life with her .
We no longer share information about our adult children with my mother in law ..Much better that way .