Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
She has chosen her path. Let her do what she wants! Eventually she will fail, and it's up to you whether you step in to save her.
In the meantime, read similar posts on this site. Others have had the exact same problem, and it will give you a background in how to deal with this type person. It seems that when people do step in to help their problem parents, they regret it. The parents don't change, so then you're dealing with all the qualities you already know about, plus those brought on by poor health and resentment of the person who is helping. You might NOT want to be that person! I wish you luck however you handle it.
Let her be herself, and stop worrying. She is who she is. If you think she's genuinely in danger, call Adult Protective Services. Otherwise, just live your life and let her live hers as she chooses.
When their back is up against the wall, they may feel they need to go in fighting defense mode.. dementia? Possibly the reason it's escalating., Set up some AL tours and have lunch. Medications? She may think it's a way to get out and see people.,if she picks it up herself.
Let your mother sink or swim. It may be only if she sinks that she'll be open to hearing about her options to make her life a bit easier. Until then just step back and watch as she slowly sinks.
How mom has been is likely how she will always be. Old age often heightens behaviors so she may worsen. Don’t spend your time and energy trying to convince her of anything. Leave her to it. One day an event will happen that forces change for her. You’ll be ready to act then. Meanwhile, protect yourself from meanness and bitterness, it’s soul crushing and undeserved
Stop trying to talk to her about assisted living, grocery delivery and medicine delivery. She will continue to be as she has always been.
If you are suggesting grocery delivery and medication delivery because she is unsafe to be driving herself, then you must act and disable the car, have it towed, take her keys, whatever will protect her and the community. She will complain. Let her. I'm sure you've heard it before. You can not please her, but you can protect others from an unsafe driver.
What is the relevance of M having “always been mean and bitter”? If she needs “assisted living, grocery delivery, medicine delivery, etc”, that’s a different issue. You deal with the “needs” by not obliging, so that M has to find other options. “Mean and bitter” isn’t all that relevant.
Walk away. Before you do make sure to let her know that nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn. So if she's willing to to let stubborness, bitterness, and nastiness take her straight to a nursing home and it will, leave her to it.
Do her a favor and call APS. Tell them what's going on. Visit the local police department and ask them to do weekly wellness checks on her. Make sure the police know she is an unsafe driver too. Then let the chips fall where they may.
She won't listen to reason and does not want your help. So, don't give it to her. Let her sink or swim as others have said. Daughter1930 in the comments is right. You need to protect yourself from her soul-crushing meanness and bitterness because you don't deserve it. The way to do this is to ignore her.
Well I can tell you right now that she will not change, she can not change. If you want her to change then you need to be the one to change your expectations If she does not have a POA for Health or Finances and she is not safe at home you can report the situation to APS, call your States Elder Abuse hotline number and explain that there is a vulnerable senior living alone and you think they are unsafe to live alone. Most Senior Centers have a Social Worker that will take a call like this as well.
If she has not POA and it is found that she is unsafe the determination will go to the Court where a Judge will either grant a family member Guardianship (if anyone wants the responsibility) or the Court will appoint a Guardian.
Quite often what happens is some accident that will force the change that should have happened previously. A fall, a car accident (hopefully with no fatalities) These usually result in a trip to the ER, a hospital stay, a stint in Rehab where it is then determined she can not return home. Then she has no choice as to where she goes it is to a place that happens to have a bed available when she needs it. If you are helping mom you can tell mom that you are done...you will no longer prop her up giving her the illusion that she is "independent"
How old is Mom and what type, if any, health problems does she have.
I have a feeling you are trying to get her medicine and grocery deliveries because you are the one who does these things for her and you can't or don't want to anymore. You need to learn to ignore her. Do what you need to do and leave. Your talking to her on the phone and she gets started, tell her your hanging up because you are not putting up with her nastiness. There is no reason you have to put up with her nastiness.
Look up "Grey Rock". Its a technique where you literally ignore them.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
In the meantime, read similar posts on this site. Others have had the exact same problem, and it will give you a background in how to deal with this type person. It seems that when people do step in to help their problem parents, they regret it. The parents don't change, so then you're dealing with all the qualities you already know about, plus those brought on by poor health and resentment of the person who is helping. You might NOT want to be that person! I wish you luck however you handle it.
dementia? Possibly the reason it's escalating.,
Set up some AL tours and have lunch.
Medications? She may think it's a way to get out and see people.,if she picks it up herself.
Until then just step back and watch as she slowly sinks.
If you are suggesting grocery delivery and medication delivery because she is unsafe to be driving herself, then you must act and disable the car, have it towed, take her keys, whatever will protect her and the community. She will complain. Let her. I'm sure you've heard it before. You can not please her, but you can protect others from an unsafe driver.
Do her a favor and call APS. Tell them what's going on. Visit the local police department and ask them to do weekly wellness checks on her. Make sure the police know she is an unsafe driver too. Then let the chips fall where they may.
She won't listen to reason and does not want your help. So, don't give it to her. Let her sink or swim as others have said. Daughter1930 in the comments is right. You need to protect yourself from her soul-crushing meanness and bitterness because you don't deserve it. The way to do this is to ignore her.
If you want her to change then you need to be the one to change your expectations
If she does not have a POA for Health or Finances and she is not safe at home you can report the situation to APS, call your States Elder Abuse hotline number and explain that there is a vulnerable senior living alone and you think they are unsafe to live alone.
Most Senior Centers have a Social Worker that will take a call like this as well.
If she has not POA and it is found that she is unsafe the determination will go to the Court where a Judge will either grant a family member Guardianship (if anyone wants the responsibility) or the Court will appoint a Guardian.
Quite often what happens is some accident that will force the change that should have happened previously.
A fall, a car accident (hopefully with no fatalities) These usually result in a trip to the ER, a hospital stay, a stint in Rehab where it is then determined she can not return home. Then she has no choice as to where she goes it is to a place that happens to have a bed available when she needs it.
If you are helping mom you can tell mom that you are done...you will no longer prop her up giving her the illusion that she is "independent"
I have a feeling you are trying to get her medicine and grocery deliveries because you are the one who does these things for her and you can't or don't want to anymore. You need to learn to ignore her. Do what you need to do and leave. Your talking to her on the phone and she gets started, tell her your hanging up because you are not putting up with her nastiness. There is no reason you have to put up with her nastiness.
Look up "Grey Rock". Its a technique where you literally ignore them.