All I get are criticisms, demands, and orders barked at me. Yet she gets all teary eyed over the least bit of attention from other members of the family who frankly do squat on a daily basis. They breeze in and out with high minded wisdom and a light lift.
I food shop for her every week, take care of all her meds and med organization, her doctor appointments , chauffeuring her around and I manage he house....though I don't live there. I manage the people who do her lawn, irrigation, pest control etc. I'm sick of her life. Not that she lives but that I have no life of my own.
She has one his come one day a week for three hours.
So I do her personal laundry as well as put put her trash and recycling each week. Lets not forget beauty appointments and regular shopping.
Just tell your mother that your efforts to help her clearly aren't making her happy, because all she does is criticize, so you are going to step back and she can hire people to do those chores for her. Seriously.
Contact some senior care agencies and give her the brochures. Set up an account for her to order her food and have it delivered. If she doesn't go online, one of her hired caregivers can help her. Give her a list of the phone numbers of her doctors. Give her the phone numbers of the agencies that provide transportation for seniors in your area. Give her the phone numbers for the lawn, irrigation, and pest control companies. Set up an Amazon account for her regular shopping. Put the uber app on her phone if you think she can handle it.
Then say goodbye and go create an enjoyable life for yourself. You are worthy and you deserve it. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Good luck to you.
We basically tell people who we are. If we behave as slaves then we will be treated as though this is our choice, and treated as the slaves we proclaim ourselves to be.
It's time to tell Mom exactly what in future you will help with and what you will NOT be helping with. That is rule one. Rule two is the amount of notice you need. Rule three is that YOU will let HER know when you don't wish to take on certain needs; when you do so she will have to manage to find other help.
Again, this is YOURS to handle as an adult handles adult decisions.
I especially hated when my sister (who resigned her caregiving duties when our mother threw her walker at her in a fit of rage because she couldn't do food shopping on Thursday like she promised) would come for a visit. I couldn't say I blamed her for walking out but I felt like the hired help when she visited.
You have to decide if you want to continue to do what you are doing. I chose to continue, some days I wonder why I did but I did.
Get Mom evaluated. Call Office of Aging to see if they can do evaluations. Or, ask her PCP to order an in home evaluation. In home will find out what she is capable of doing on her own. They will also evaluate the home for safety. Maybe Mom can get some help in.
If she has money, then she can pay for her care. An aide will do her laundry, some light housekeeping, cooking, and help her get a shower. This would cut down on what you do. Or she can go to an assisted living. No money, Medicaid has in home help.
You should have put your foot down long ago. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your not obligated to do anything for her. Once she is evaluated, you can then determine what you will or won't do because she can do it herself. In the meantime, realize that Mom needs you more than you need her. Walk away when she gets started, even walk out. Tell her you will no longer put up with the abuse. You don't have to care for her. Your not her slave. Read up on the "gray rock method". You literally ignore them. You do what you need to do and walk out. Would you allow anyone else to treat u this way? If not, Mom is no exception. If she can get away with it, she will.
Maybe a little blackmail. Video tape her when she gets going then tell her you are going to show her friends and other family members that she is not the sweet person they think she is.
Then I said enough and that's it. I refuse to take care of her and I refuse to meet any of her needs. She knows what her choices are. It's make it work with homecare or it will be a nursing home. It may yet be a nursing home because there's a limit to what homecare provides.
I really think this is the choices you should give your mother.
What care does your mother NEED?
You do a lot for her according to your post, does she NEED that much help or are you doing things for her that can could do?
Groceries can be ordered and delivered.
As to "managing the house" if that is more than she can handle and more than you can you have 2 options.
Mom hires someone to do what she can't or won't do .
or
Mom considers moving to an AL facility (If she is cognizant, if not Memory Care)
If mom starts in on you, yelling, criticizing what you are doing LEAVE if you are with her. If you are on the phone HANG UP. If you are out you say we have to leave and you bring her home No discussion.
This is if mom is cognizant. If she isn't then I stand by my belief that a person that has dementia should not be living alone and she should be in Memory Care or she should have full time caregivers.
Next time she complains about something you did that was not up to her standards tell her you will stop and she is free to find someone else to do the chore. And do that every time she complains about something. Before long you load will be a lot lighter.
It's an understatement to say "emotional abuse" is the worst kind of abuse especially when you experience it but not others. This I sense is hard for you because she is your mother. Deal with this in a loving, truthful way starting with yourself.
First of all, mother/daughter relationships are hard to navigate. I experience this with my mother and my daughters as well. Can you explain how your relationship to your mother has been as you grew up with her? Is it the same or has she changed in how she treats you now that you and she are older? Understanding this may be helpful.
Secondly, you are in a difficult situation as our relationships with our mothers have formed since - well being a baby - and things aren't easily changed. I don't know where you are at but I often thought "honor my parents" is my obligation no matter what happens. But to honor you mother does not mean not being who you are and setting boundaries for yourself is important. Do you have a good friend, pastor/priest or therapist who can help you work through this important boundary issue.
Lastly when a parent ages they go through many changes and it's not easy. Does she have someone who she would be willing to talk with about her aging issues and the losses that come with this. Ideally it would be good if you could come with your own boundaries, eg. "If you talk this way to me, I will leave the room or house." This is one way to set your boundary for what you will do when your mother's behavior is inappropriate. The ultimate boundary is doing what your sister did but be careful how you approach this situation. I like the idea suggested to record your mother when she talks to you and treats you in a abusive way. This is being proactive and may give your mother a paradigm shift.
Above all else, still showing respect to your mother means speaking the truth with love. Saying the truth, setting boundaries in a kind and caring way. Afterall we as daughters do have things to be thankful to our mothers who birthed us and raised us the best they could do. We ourselves, as a mother, bring the model, pattern that we learned as a child to our own family.
May you have courage to deal with your own emotions and get the healthy, safe support you need to be the person you were meant to be. Blessings.
We have found an assisted living center for mom.
You know you don't have to, right? It is your choice. Don't resent her or other family members because you have chosen to take on more than you want.
Are you doing it for the reward of hearing her praise and appreciate your efforts? It doesn't seem that is going to happen.
Just stop doing it all. Sit down and decide what you are willing to do, and do nothing more. Simply say "No". Tell her you can't (or won't). Tell the family you can't. The family has no reason to do more, because you are already doing it all.
Your mother can hire helpers to take on some of these jobs she needs help with.
If your mother is unable to manage the hiring of an aide or assistant or housecleaner, You hire someone to help her, with mom's money. Or let someone else in the family step up to the plate in your absence. Don't expect them to, though.
What a relief! I'm so glad you and the family have made this decision.
It's still not going to be easy. You will hear complaints from her. You will have to make more decisions, such as what to do with her home, probably cleaning out everything and selling. And when assisted living is no longer able to meet her needs, you will have to find another suitable placement, such as skilled nursing. But, I'm glad you will have some relief from your daily tasks and criticisms!
Realize that you are making decisions to do what you do.
And then you do not 'like' how she responds.
That means you either continue to put up with her reactions or you change your behavior (stop doing all that you are doing).
I think some of your behaviors have to do with "I have to's ..." based on your relationship with her years or decades ago, if not childhood trauma / patterns of behavior established long long ago.
As long as you continue to do as you do, she will respond the same way (or get worse). The question(s) you need to ask yourself:
1. Why am I taking this?
2. Why am I putting myself in this position to be 'abused' (insulted)?
3. Do I want to continue to feel as I do taking care and doing all I am doing for her?
If you 'have no life of my own' - then you need to realize that you have created this situation by doing what you are doing. I DO understand finances can dictate how and what family members need to do, however if you do not feel you deserve your own (quality) life, then you will continue in this negative pattern.
Until you decide to change, she won't.
It is up to you to learn to love yourself, set boundaries, and only do what you absolutely want to do.
Do not 'blame' her for what you are deciding what to do.
She is getting what she wants - your help in many ways.
I suggest you get into therapy to sort out how you feel and learn why you are. re-acting / doing all that you are doing for her.
Tell her to find more caregiver / help around the house.
Or if she can't coordinate, you get more / other help in to do 90% of what you are doing now.
Once she realizes that she'll need to pay for it or make arrangements with others, she may change her tune about how she responds to you when you help her (if she has the cognitive / mental / psychological ability to do so). She may not be able to change and venting to you as you are an easy, if not her only, target. Step away ... way way far away.
Get into therapy to realize who you are and what's running you.
Gena / Touch Matters