To help my mother,but three days in and her blood pressure is now 171 over 90. For the last year or two my father has asked me to consider moving back in to help take care of my 90 year old mother. After much consideration I did. Now three days in and we took her to the doctor and her blood pressure has risen to 171 over 90. I feel like maybe I upset her routine,because she is so used to just having my dad around. I don't want to cause her any undo stress,but my dad is in need of my help. I feel torn.
it's possible you upset her routine, but I wouldn't shine the spotlight entirely on yourself☺. How much assistance does she require? Have you given up your job and other commitments to do this?
I think it was fantastic that your Dad realized that he needs help, not many men would own up to that. As for living with your parents, you will eventually start to see the adult/child dynamics come out and your parent will start thinking of your as their child instead of being a successful adult.
Could your parents afford a Caregiver, maybe part time, to help out? You should be their *daughter*, not their *Caregiver* and use that time to enjoy their company.
As for the blood pressure, it's not unusual for someone your Mom's age to have what we would think is too high of a blood pressure. My Mom is 97 and her's will read 160's, and she is on blood pressure meds.
After reading more of the forums you will be surprised how many writers here did just that, they gave up their employment to care for their parents/spouse. It isn't that uncommon. Many think it will be only a year or two then they will go back to work. Well, 1 year turns into 2, then into 5, then into 10... some have been carrying for a parent since they graduated from high school 20 years ago.
My Dad had asked me to retire from my career since I was in my 60's and my Dad had stopped driving. He and Mom still live on their own. I looked at Dad and point blank asked him if he retired to take care of his parents.... I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. I was waiting for him to pull the gender card but thankfully he didn't.
My career is my sanity, it gives me reason to get up in the morning and look presentable :)
I just got up but,oddly, before I did I was lying bed thinking how strange it was that two people I know just quit their jobs to care for their parents. One of them was at the peak of her career and when I heard that she was leaving, I thought it was to go to a bigger, better job. Nope. She is going to take care of her parents. And, I heard, also to become a personal assistant (not sure what that is).
So, to Freqflyer and Zara, these things do happen, and you are correct: it is very costly. Remember also, that the money in the 401K has the invested value. What will it be worth in 20-30 years when RFS needs it. Each uninvested year now becomes much more expensive when look at in those terms.
RFS, you are doing a great thing. I am sure that your father and mother are deeply touched and reassured by your presence. The suggestion to get some help in during the day to relieve your dad (and you) is a good one. Keep reading this site and you will learn a lot!!!!!!
This will not be easy for any of you. It is all about change, and that would have happened whether you moved in or not. Change is hard on everyone and requires adjustment. That is just the nature of the situation.
We seriously like looked at moving back. Financially we just can't do it. We are 52 and have a 12 year old- jobs and a home.. Dad has isolated himself and won't move.
It causes so such stress and guilt- but I can't force an 82 year old to accept help.
First, I understand your situation completely.
Second, contact your dad's doctor, the Area Agency on Aging, the Adult Protective Services, and an elder lawyer. It is not necessarily true that you cannot force an 82 year old to accept help. Remember that this can all go wrong with one call to/from the police for whatever reason (there are dozens with dementia). It is going to be in your favor to have had contact with the organizations that can help your dad. They will know you and know that you have always been trying to do what was right.
I went to our local police station a year ago to tell them that my mother, who had dementia, would probably call them to report that I had stolen her car. I gave them my name, address, cell number, etc. Sure enough. My mom called several weeks later. The policeman who went to her house, looked in the little computer thing they have, saw the note, and all was well. But imagine what would have happened if I had not warned them!
In the end, I placed my mom into AL against her will with the support of all concerned. I would never have believed it possible. But it was possible. About five days later she signed the papers herself. That was in May of 2014. My mother remembers nothing about it. Nothing. I have since moved her to a new place. She remembers nothing about that either but she is very happy. Safe, has all her meds, warm and cozy, entertained most of the time, great food.
So, pick up the phone and make those contacts. You will never regret it.
He's always been difficult and stubborn. I had to get outside agencies involved to get my Mom I'm memory care. He wouldn't
Admit he couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to my Mom to live like that.
I'd like to add Social Security earnings to the list of affected future earnings for those who quite "work." Until caregiving is considered a real job, we who quit outside work to provide elder care (I did for a number of years) lose a lot in our future Social Security.
So many things to consider. There is no right and wrong. We care. We love. We do what we can under our individual circumstances. Good luck with the changes in your lives - all of your wonderful community members. Keep supporting each other.
Carol
i hate to be the negative voice here but...I would try to find outside help for part of the day if your parents can afford it. Check with Hospice, any Elder/Senior agency in your county to see if they can help. My cousin did exactly what you are talking about. She quit her job and moved in with parents. Her parents survived about 4 years..She is now 55 and cannot find a job that pays her or gives her the benefits that her old job did. And her parents did not leave a lot of money for her to live on. I know you love your parents but you have to think of yourself also. Full time caregiving can be a difficult job. My siblings and i did it for only 3 months and we were stressed and exhausted. My mom is now in a facility where they take excellent care of her Her medical issues are under control and she is more alert and healthier than she has been in 2 years. Would your parents consider moving to assisted living if they are eligible and can afford it.?
. I fell into my position as my husband and I were building a house and living with my mother, (took toll on our marriage) I was working full time... we divorced and I ended up with no Child support.. then lost my secure job.. still living with mom she became ill. so here am with no income and no SS. OH ! and I have a daughter in her last year of college. Don't even ask how the h*ll that's happening!!!!!!!! by the grace of God ?????
I did make an employment agreement thru and attorney. but Moms funds were tapped out after a couple month stay after she fell. All out of pocket expense. I am eligible for unemployment but cant collect as I am not able to look for full time work.. if my situation changes.. Mom passes or has to go to nursing home before Nov I can open my claimand look for a job ( ive been out of working world for so long that finding a decent job may be tough) pretty sure wont be able to keep the house alone,,.....right now the only income is what she gets monthly and that's barely enough to keep the house going that we share.
Im scared to death
Good job. Keep at it. Just keep acquiring information and keep gently pressure on your dad.
Get and keep in touch with these organizations and let them know that you are doing what is right. Eventually, it will pay off. If you dad has dementia, it won't be long before something goes wrong enough to get him placed.
Good luck! I hope you can see what a wonderful resource this site is. There is a lot of support there so keep reading!