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We can be having a calm conversation and if my opinion is different than hers she gets angry and defensive. I have learned to drop the topic and let her calm down any suggestions?
I guess you're slowly but surely learning that there is NO reasoning with a person with dementia, so it's useless to even try. Your wife's brain is now permanently broken and will only get worse, so it's best to not argue with her and in most cases just go along with whatever she says. Your life will be much less stressful if you do that. It might benefit you to educate yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as it will better prepare you for what lies ahead. I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your wife.
You’ll increasingly learn to enter her world as she’s sadly leaving yours. I’m glad you’ve stopped trying to reason with her. My son lost most reasoning skills, the consequences of a birth defect and the surgeries that followed. We know not to reason with him, but after more than 30 years, still sometimes find ourselves falling into it. Read all you can about dementia and tips to cope with it, stick around this forum as there’s a load of wisdom here, and be sure to take regular breaks from caregiving. Please get your wife accustomed to accepting help that’s not you, it will be good for you both. I wish you both peace
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
You might want to speak with her doctor about this. My father in law became more and more angry and defensive until he became violent. He was such a calm and gentle man before dementia that it was very shocking to see. Thankfully doctors finally were able to find the right meds for him to keep him calmer. With dementia sometimes a person does not process what is going on correctly and thinks they are being attacked or insulted when that's not happening.
I think you have come to the right solution. One lesson you learn is that you will NEVER win an argument with a person with dementia. Changing the topic helps. Switching to something totally different like taking a break and getting a cup of coffee, tea will help as a distraction. Even just leaving the room for a bit ..."Honey I have to use the bathroom, we can finish talking when I get back" You will be gone long enough to break the conversation.
I also have a problem giving that up and just dropping the topic. I find that usually there is a time of day that's worse so I try to do a lot of my talking to him when he's not combative but leave some triggers out completely. You're doing the right thing.
Yes, do not argue with or try to "correct" a person with dementia. What do you think you might gain from having a debate with someone whose brain does not work? It's like having a discussion with a toddler.
What she believes is her reality. When you contradict her reality, it is only more confusing to her, and she probably wonders why you are being so difficult.
It is SO hard to watch our loved ones change! I have been living this with my husband for over 10 years now. He does not have a progressive disease, but suffered a stroke at age 53, which caused a sudden traumatic brain injury. He acts like an impulsive child. I miss my once smart, sweet, loving partner. I used to cry a lot and beg the universe to heal him - to bring back the man I knew. But, of course, this is our new reality, and I have come to accept it. Someone asked here on this forum how to cope. For me, it takes a sense of humor and a sense of adventure to cope. Just take each day as it is, and find a way to laugh at the craziness of it all. And continue loving the partner who no longer knows how to love you back.
Drop the topic is exactly what you have to do with someone with dementia, in order to keep the peace. It's hard because you basically give up the right to your own opinion (as well as any intelligent conversation) in order to "baby" the one with dementia. Otherwise they throw a hissy fit.
Medications can help her manage the anger, which is occurring because of how the disease is making her brain work. She's probably pretty confused as to why things don't make sense, and the disease will make it hard for her to control her emotions as well. A low dose anti-anxiety or anti-depressant could help her feel less anxious, and that would help you, too.
Look at this website: https://thekey.com/resources/learning-center/10-ways-to-calm-agitation-in-a-person-living-with-dementia
In part, it says: 10 Ways to Calm Agitation in a Person Living With Dementia Feel confident calming your loved one when they’re agitated with these tips from experts in caregiving for people with dementia.
My response:
There is 'no' reasoning with a person with dementia. Their brain cells are in the process of dying. Different parts of the brain do not work any longer.
I am unclear as to what or how you are having a calm conversation since she has dementia.
The best way to handle this: * realizing she has little to no (brain) control over how she processes incoming information or her responses due to confusion. * arguing or trying to talk logic will only frustrate you and her. * you respond with reframing her words back to her, i.e., she may say, it is a very nice day outside with the ducks flying - you said, oh yes, it is a lovely day and nice to see the ducks. (You agree with her.) * You rely more on non-verbal communication: - hold her hand - smile - give her a hand, neck or foot massage (if she is open gentle touch - be aware of your tone of voice
if she asks you a question, respond with: * that's a very good question. I'll have to think about that and change the subject. * I don't really know, what do you think?
The goal / key is to keep her as calm as possible, knowing that she will likely always counter your opinion with hers; - Her responding in anger and defensiveness is due to her confusion and frustration; she doesn't feel right in her own skin and she may not understand why (she doesn't know she has dementia or what that means) - Do not take it personally; it isn't about you. - Due to dementia, she is expressing herself the only way she can - to you since you are there, in the line of fire. - Its a major plus that you realize it is best to not express any opinion that differs from hers. Just agree with her.
Once you realize you can't have a 'normal' conversation with her, you likely will feel some relief, and perhaps more grief / sadness - it is a very lonely experience being with your wife who is no longer there as you have known her. My heart goes out to you.
Do take care of yourself in ways that support you -
- go out with friends - you need some (and likely want) stimulating conversation - Put music on, read out loud if she likes that. - consider a therapist if you feel a need to deal with the loss of your wife and adjusting to how she is now (I do not know how long this has been going on although it must be painful and very sad for you).
Dropping the topic or even going along with your wife's perception of things is the right thing to do. Instead of always choosing the silent treatment, you can engage your wife in coverstaion based on how she is viewing a situation or a memory. Sometimes the cognitive istortions of dementia are actually quite beautiful and poetic.
My suggestion is to think about YOURSELF in all this chaos, and get some respite from your wife by hiring in home help regularly or sending her off to a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for a couple of weeks periodically. Visit with your friends and have a few beers so you can carry on intelligent conversations without worrying about angering them. Dementia care is a huge amount of work for one person to manage, so make sure you take time out for yourself.
i researched it for you: … you are already doing the right thing by dropping the topic and stepping back. When someone with dementia gets angry during a disagreement, it is usually because the disease impairs their brain's ability to process logic, making corrections or differing opinions feel threatening. Alzheimer's Society +4 The goal is to focus on how she feels rather than the facts. Try these communication strategies: ActivCare® Living
Validate emotions first: Instead of arguing, acknowledge her feelings. Say something empathetic like, "I can see why that is upsetting you". The goal is to make her feel heard, not to agree with her. Do not use the word "No": Direct disagreement often triggers defensiveness. Try to start with "Yes" and then phrase your thought as a gentle suggestion. Redirect the conversation: Once she feels validated, pivot the topic away from the argument. Change the subject to a completely different, enjoyable activity or a happy, familiar memory. Keep language simple: Use short sentences, a soft and calm tone, and warm body language (e.g., gentle eye contact or holding her hand) to offer comfort and reassurance. www.carelink.org +11 For further guidance, resources and support for navigating communication and behavioral changes are available from the Alzheimer's Society or the National Institute on Aging.
Answer her questions with, "What do you think?" If you hear an undesired subject, agree with her, then change the subject to something else both of you like.
Unfortunately this is her truth. You can't reason with someone that have cognitive issues. This is disease is unfortunate. It may appear from one day to the next that you can have realistic conversations with her that you use to. However that isn't the reality of what's happening. Keep your wife as happy as possible.
This sounds like my Dad. It’s really hard but my Mother ended up just agreeing with him to keep the peace even if he said the sky was red. It was exhausting and depending on whether she’s accepting or not makes it harder, mine wasn’t, at all! Try to get some respite organised and if you can have some time when you’re in another space as watching TV in the evening with them saying they have seen the programme when it’s new is also quite tense and doesn’t make for a relaxing time. When it got worse we would call it a reset and just leave the room and come back in again and he would have forgotten what the argument was about. It’s really hard as there doesn’t seem to be much help until crisis point it hit. Do try Dementia UK and some groups that may be nearby for support and respite. Until my father went into care those were very helpful. Good luck and sadly you aren’t alone with this which is why some support from others would help.
that's the hardest thing is to try to make them see what you see...it can't happen..it's the nature of this hideous disease...I slip into the corrective mode..but if you look into the person's eyes..you know nothing is being received..at least in my case....it takes work and believe me when you stop correcting him or her...you find your mind space is a lot more clearer....best wishes...
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your wife's brain is now permanently broken and will only get worse, so it's best to not argue with her and in most cases just go along with whatever she says.
Your life will be much less stressful if you do that.
It might benefit you to educate yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as it will better prepare you for what lies ahead.
I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your wife.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
One lesson you learn is that you will NEVER win an argument with a person with dementia.
Changing the topic helps.
Switching to something totally different like taking a break and getting a cup of coffee, tea will help as a distraction.
Even just leaving the room for a bit ..."Honey I have to use the bathroom, we can finish talking when I get back" You will be gone long enough to break the conversation.
You're doing the right thing.
What do you think you might gain from having a debate with someone whose brain does not work? It's like having a discussion with a toddler.
What she believes is her reality. When you contradict her reality, it is only more confusing to her, and she probably wonders why you are being so difficult.
It is SO hard to watch our loved ones change! I have been living this with my husband for over 10 years now. He does not have a progressive disease, but suffered a stroke at age 53, which caused a sudden traumatic brain injury. He acts like an impulsive child. I miss my once smart, sweet, loving partner. I used to cry a lot and beg the universe to heal him - to bring back the man I knew. But, of course, this is our new reality, and I have come to accept it.
Someone asked here on this forum how to cope. For me, it takes a sense of humor and a sense of adventure to cope. Just take each day as it is, and find a way to laugh at the craziness of it all. And continue loving the partner who no longer knows how to love you back.
Good advice given here.
In part, it says: 10 Ways to Calm Agitation in a Person Living With Dementia
Feel confident calming your loved one when they’re agitated with these tips from experts in caregiving for people with dementia.
My response:
There is 'no' reasoning with a person with dementia.
Their brain cells are in the process of dying. Different parts of the brain do not work any longer.
I am unclear as to what or how you are having a calm conversation since she has dementia.
The best way to handle this:
* realizing she has little to no (brain) control over how she processes incoming information or her responses due to confusion.
* arguing or trying to talk logic will only frustrate you and her.
* you respond with reframing her words back to her, i.e., she may say, it is a very nice day outside with the ducks flying - you said, oh yes, it is a lovely day and nice to see the ducks. (You agree with her.)
* You rely more on non-verbal communication:
- hold her hand
- smile
- give her a hand, neck or foot massage (if she is open gentle touch
- be aware of your tone of voice
if she asks you a question, respond with:
* that's a very good question. I'll have to think about that and change the subject.
* I don't really know, what do you think?
The goal / key is to keep her as calm as possible, knowing that she will likely always counter your opinion with hers;
- Her responding in anger and defensiveness is due to her confusion and frustration; she doesn't feel right in her own skin and she may not understand why (she doesn't know she has dementia or what that means)
- Do not take it personally; it isn't about you.
- Due to dementia, she is expressing herself the only way she can - to you since you are there, in the line of fire.
- Its a major plus that you realize it is best to not express any opinion that differs from hers. Just agree with her.
Once you realize you can't have a 'normal' conversation with her, you likely will feel some relief, and perhaps more grief / sadness - it is a very lonely experience being with your wife who is no longer there as you have known her. My heart goes out to you.
Do take care of yourself in ways that support you -
- go out with friends
- you need some (and likely want) stimulating conversation
- Put music on, read out loud if she likes that.
- consider a therapist if you feel a need to deal with the loss of your wife and adjusting to how she is now (I do not know how long this has been going on although it must be painful and very sad for you).
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters
Don't Correct
Don't Argue
Don't Reason
Don't Test (eg do you remember, do you jnow, etc)
Very practical, although hard to do all the time.
you are already doing the right thing by dropping the topic and stepping back. When someone with dementia gets angry during a disagreement, it is usually because the disease impairs their brain's ability to process logic, making corrections or differing opinions feel threatening.
Alzheimer's Society
+4
The goal is to focus on how she feels rather than the facts. Try these communication strategies:
ActivCare® Living
Validate emotions first: Instead of arguing, acknowledge her feelings. Say something empathetic like, "I can see why that is upsetting you". The goal is to make her feel heard, not to agree with her.
Do not use the word "No": Direct disagreement often triggers defensiveness. Try to start with "Yes" and then phrase your thought as a gentle suggestion.
Redirect the conversation: Once she feels validated, pivot the topic away from the argument. Change the subject to a completely different, enjoyable activity or a happy, familiar memory.
Keep language simple: Use short sentences, a soft and calm tone, and warm body language (e.g., gentle eye contact or holding her hand) to offer comfort and reassurance.
www.carelink.org
+11
For further guidance, resources and support for navigating communication and behavioral changes are available from the Alzheimer's Society or the National Institute on Aging.
Answer her questions with, "What do you think?" If you hear an undesired subject, agree with her, then change the subject to something else both of you like.