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My husband is in remission from prostate cancer and was seeing a cardiologist but has missed all appointments because he collapses easily. He cannot even make it out to the driveway with a cane. The VA offered him a wheelchair I requested but he refused. I was a CNA, but I am 72 now and cannot handle his weight. (He has a homeless 94-year-old mother who refuses medical help.) I have no one to help me, because he refuses everything. I have diabetes, hip arthritis and essential hand tremor. I am worried about all the E. coli lurking around. I have been trying very hard to pick up all messes. I use antibacterial Dawn and Lysol, even in the washer. I have nitrile gloves.

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It's time now to give your husband the ultimatum of the fact that he either starts wearing Depends and using a wheelchair or you will have no choice but to have him placed in the appropriate facility. Plus you need to insist that he allows you to hire some in-home help to assist you with whatever help is needed for both you and him. Because if you don't do theses things it will be you that will die before your husband from stress related issues.
Please don't let that be you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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lealonnie1 Feb 2, 2026
This. 100%
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It sounds like he needs help you cannot provide. It's time to find a facility for him that will meet his needs. See a lawyer about how to plan for the future.
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Reply to JustAnon
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So what will he do if you leave him laying where he falls in his soiled pants?

Maybe you should just put the phone within reach and go out to the store for a few hours.
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Reply to cwillie
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97yroldmom Feb 3, 2026
Exactly what I was thinking. Hand him his phone and leave.
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As a former CNA, you know how difficult his care is going to become, and it's already become too much for you.

If you're determined to keep him at home, please call hospice. They will send a nurse out to the home to check on him, as well as CNA's to help with bathing.

Can you hire a CNA to come to the home and help with all of his cares? You CANNOT continue trying to help him in and out of bed. You will both get hurt, and then what? You have a stubborn husband who refuses everything, but lets you try and take care of everything for him. That is unfair to you, whether he sees it or not. He needs to be in a wheelchair. If he falls, call 911, and do not let the hospital release him back home to you. Let them know that it is unsafe and that you are unable to provide the care he needs.

Your husband needs to be in a care facility. Of course, he will object. He thinks he has you to take care of him. It is not safe for you to continue like this.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I agree with others who suggest that you give him an ultimatum and with an actual deadline. If he misses the deadline both he and his Mom go into a facility.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Without what you do, would your H cope or not? Probably not! I’d suggest that you continue to offer him food, even if he is on the floor, because starvation doesn’t look good. Apart from that, leave him be, because you ‘cannot handle his weight’ – and have your own health issues. Call APS, when the results look unacceptable, and set in motion him transferring to a facility. He ‘refuses everything’ you suggest, so you need to enlist something that he can’t refuse.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Octapetty, welcome to the forum. My mother (in her 90's) had the same issue with my Dad, that he wouldn't wear Depends, and half the time couldn't make it to the bathroom on time.

Mom finally decided that the next time Dad made a mess on the rug, she would hand him the cleaning supplies. Well, she did. And sure enough, on Mom's next grocery list for me, there were Men's Depends.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Time to care for you. He’s refusing all help. Take him at his word and don’t help. Separate however works best for you.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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