My 80-yr-old husband with has dementia called his son, a bipolar alcoholic who self-medicates with alcohol, to come get him. I called the police to stop it. He won’t give me POA and without that, cops say I can’t stop him. Family is no help, only constant criticism. I’m done! When police are here, son and 80 yr old convince the police I am crazy one, but don’t mention that he has bipolar or is an alcoholic or even the son's nervous breakdown, No word for 12 days the son gets tired of dad so he calls with a, "Hi honey! I love you! Can I come home Friday morning?" Do I have to take the SOB BACK? My blood pressure is 200/100 and I'm on social security with no savings! I need advice! I’m disabled myself!
Do you rent your home, and if so, is he listed on the lease?
You don't have to stay with him, you don't have to live with him, and you don't have to be his caregiver.
But - if the answer to either of those questions is "yes", then you cannot ***legally*** keep him from entering the house. Additionally, depending on the laws of your area regarding tenancy rights, since he was a resident of the house, you might not even be able to keep him out by, say, changing the locks (in NY, once you have established residency, usually by being able to prove you lived somewhere in excess of 30 days, changing locks to keep someone out is called an illegal eviction, and the person who changes the locks gets arrested). I don't know if Oklahoma is a "tenant friendly" state like NY and CA are. You might want to check with your local county government office what, exactly, his rights are to legally dwell in the home; they should be able to guide you with necessary next steps.
So, in answer to your question, no, you don't have to "take him back", but you might have to be the one who moves out.
If your husband comes back into the home and is delusional, you can call 911 and report that "there's something wrong with him, he's not himself, he may have a UTI and is uncooperative..." but don't tell them he has dementia since this is not considered a medical emergency. Then once in the hospital you talk to the discharge staff to tell them he's an unsafe discharge and you cannot be his caregiver due to your disability and his needs. Make sure your husband does not call his son to come get him if at all possible. Then ask to talk to a social worker at the ER/hospital to see if he can go directly into a facility and become a ward of a 3rd party court-assigned guardian. I wish you success in protecting yourself and your future.
I'm not sure what you think other family members can or should do in this situation. How advanced is his dementia? Is he forgetful? Annoying? Incontinent? Delusional? Abusive?
Without you being his PoA and also if he doesn't have a medical diagnosis of incapacity, you'll probably need to work with social services for your county for a solution... which seems to be that you wish to live without him because you're burnt out (and I don't blame you). You can report your situation to APS and they can come and assess the situation. At some point your husband will become a ward of the county with a court-assigned legal guardian, but that doesn't happen overnight.
My partner's best friend sadly has a wife sunk now into probable LOBP (late onset bipolar) and he will in all likelihood be going now for division of finances, almost certainly on to divorce. I personally think there is dementia also, but if so it is remaining undiagnosed.
The wife has been in hospital over and over on two week holds, will not take medication, and the mania is overwhelming. For the husband, there is no other answer than separation. There are children involved, but they will not be able to handle her care ongoing and I imagine there will be state guardianship. Quite an awful situation.
You say you do not have POA. To my mind at this point that's a good thing.
I would consult a divorce attorney and begin with division of assets so that you can support yourself. Then time to consider divorce.
He has "run away" to the son. Great. The son's blood pressure will likely sustain him long enough to get guardianship and do placement. Or in his self-medicating with alcohol perhaps there's an option for them both in this. You did your best to prevent it.
There is no support out there really. I don't think guardianship even a good option. If you get stroked out, what for him? There is, as far as I can see, nothing to do but turn over care of these folks to the state. So they are left to those of us without a clue as to how they can be handled, and it often kills us.
I wish you the best, Shirley.
Others have given you good ideas about how to proceed. One of those ideas is to change the locks, which you should do right now. That is something you may be able to do yourself.
I've had rental property and tenants who left but still had keys to get in. They were going in and out of the empty unit when they shouldn't have been there anymore. The doorknobs on the back door and front doors looked identical and were simple to unscrew and take off. I switched them so the back door knob was on the front door and vice versa. Their front door key would no longer work, and neither did their back door key! They weren't smart enough to figure out that I'd switched the knobs and that they could've gotten in if only they'd used their back door key on the front door and their front door key on the back door.
If you could do this at your house, you wouldn't have to have the locks rekeyed or buy new locks. So take a look and see if that would work for you.
If it won't, it's important to rekey the locks right away. You don't need an angry bipolar husband showing up inside your home. A mobile locksmith could do this for you today. Whatever the cost, it will be well worth it.
This won't solve all your problems, but maybe when you are inside, alone,
no one can enter.
It can also be used when and if husband or son has a dangerous meltdown and you need to lock them out until the police arrive.
If you go to a few domestic abuse classes, they may have some ideas to keep you safe. Or get a counselor with a specialty in domestic abuse.
Part of what you are experiencing is domestic abuse, whether or not it is due to an illness causing these behaviors.
You can do the same inside your home by putting a lock on a door to separate your living spaces.
What would your story look like if there were no adult children interfering with you and your husband? Cutting off all contact.
Can you both go to an assisted living facility together to get the help each of you need? Or bring in-home care professionals who would not further divide the two of you? Maybe take some stress off of you?
If an aging couple require help in aging and illnesses, one of the worst tragedies I have seen repeated is when destructive family members exploit the elder, taking sides, scenarios leading to horrific dramatic separations and even death. You are at that point now. (Please don't shoot the messenger!).
It is understandable if you are done, and need to protect your own health and finances. Plan this with the help of an attorney who won't treat the two of you as enemies.
Also, seek the advice of a Geriatric Care Manager right away. That fee will be better spent on behalf of each of you. The other choice would be allowing a bipolar alcoholic son to drain your finances to enhance himself and create more drama.
Think about this: If you rewrote your story to say:
"My 80 y.o. husband took a two week vacation to visit his son. I am not sure if I can continue to care for him when he comes back."
Would it be labelled as "Abandonment"?
First, get the medical help you need!
He walked out on you, and now he wants to come home.
I would take care of myself first and foremost. For starters, get that blood pressure under control!
However, I wouldn't let them push out of my home and inconvenience yourself in all of this. Get a restraining order against that crazy son of his, and speak with an elder lawyer that specializes in affairs of the elderly. Separate your finances. Husband would have to stay parked where he is until I would get my ducks in a row and that includes taking care of my health. Your first line of defense would be making sure that you are safe and secure in all of this. That son of his sounds like a piece of work.