My Mother, who lives alone, is increasingly saying people have been in her house and other property, moving things around, taking things, breaking into her home when she is not there. Because I am the person closest to her, she accuses me (at home) and the neighbor and me (at the cottage). She is becoming more angry and aggressive with her false allegations. There is no way of convincing her that what she believes, is not happening. I am concerned of her increasing anger and aggression. She was never like this before. Recently ranting that there will be hell to pay and that she will change the locks, her will and contact a lawyer. I did reach out to her primary care physician and left extensive notes about what has been happening, but they say unless she brings it up, they cannot address what is going on. I have contacted our local crisis center too. She is still able to drive, take care of her bills, her medication and she takes care of the home and her personal needs. I don't know what I can do at this point. It is hard to help her when I am the target of increasingly nasty accusations and constant rude allegations. I understand she can't help it. But, I am trying to separate myself from her for my own mental health, but still feel responsible. What else can I do?
Start by learning all you can about dementia. YouTube Teepa Snow. And everything you can find . It will help you understand what's going on better and how to handle it.
My father got very paranoid, sadly all the neighbors just wanted to help but they where scared of my father, he thought anyone stepping in his property was there to take his property. . Got so bad my brother hid any guns that where in the house. I use to listen to the news in the morning and hear stories of an elder killing his wife, or this or that, and listen closer to the name.
It's hard and it sucks.
Are you POA?
What exactly are you helping her with if she takes care of her meds the house , herself , drives herself to the store ?
Does she cook ? Are you seeing memory problems or just paranoia ?
What are you feeling responsible for ?
Does your mother have a POA?
I’m sorry this is happening to you . Eventually something will happen to cause the police or EMS to come into play . If she lands in the hospital try to tell the doctors there . This is how my mother ended up diagnosed with dementia after she had a paranoid meltdown at home , said she had chest pains and landed in the ER via EMS to rule out a heart attack . I could not get her primary to do anything either except to suggest to my mother to consider assisted living after my father died , which she refused .
Before Mom ended up in the hospital , I also called the local County Area of Aging . They sent a social worker to the home who spoke with my mother and determined she was not safe living home alone . The social worker said my mother could not “ come up with a plan “ , when asked what she would do if “ this or that “ happened .
Basically my mother could not describe what to do in an emergency etc .
The social worker was scheduled to return two weeks later with another person to remove my mother from her home to place her in assisted living that I chose ahead of time.
My mother ended up in the hospital before that happened and I spoke to the doctors and social worker there and told them what was going on . Then the social worker from the hospital spoke to the one from the Agency of Aging and Mom was place in assisted living right from the hospital .
In order for someone to make decisions on someone else's behalf and manage their affairs, they need to legally be able to do so. This is what a MPoA or legal guardian is able to do. Dementia is a progressive disease for which there is no cure. Once your Mom passes a certain cognitive point, she will no longer be legally able to assign a PoA for herself. At that point either you will need to pursue guardianship or you step away completely and allow social services to recommend it to a judge who will then assign a guardian, and it won't be you. If this happens you are completely blocked out of any insights into her financial and medical affairs or access, but you will still be 100% able to carry on a personal relationship with her, if you choose.
It's very possible your Mom has an undiagnosed UTI, the symptoms of which are confusion, agitation, anxiety, in the elderly. She would need antibiotics before it turns septic. So, if you can't get her in to Urgent Care (using a therapeutic fib if necessary) then you may need to call 911 and tell them she is having delusions and you suspect a UTI. This will get her the help she needs. Also, while in the hospital you have the option of talking to the discharge desk to tell them she is an "unsafe discharge". This will prevent her from going back home if it truly isn't a safe place for her to be by herself until after she is treated and IF she actually has a UTI.
There is nothing to be done about paranoia except to try to get her on meds for anxiety/mood/agitation. My Mom just started the lowest dose of Lexapro and is doing well on it. She occassionally has "pockets" of paranoia but not as frequently and of less endurance. My Mom is 95. Your Mom is "only) 82 so her journey could go on for a long time. It is up to you to set boundaries that you can live with.
This isn’t normal behavior and at that point she is a danger to others.
It sounds like she needs a thorough medical check up.
and it is mainly me and her neighbor that are doing things. She thinks people move things around her house, take things (and then sometimes return them), and reorganize her belongings. She is getting very angry because she says that no one will admit it and if they did, it would be better. Which I know will not solve this and I wouldn't say I did something I didn't do because then she would never trust me. I am afraid of the increasing aggressive nature of her accusations. If I say anything to correct her she gets even more worked up. Just a no-win situation right now.
Right now I am trying to focus on not engaging with her because it doesn't help, just gets her more worked up. But it is hard when she is calling me liar and is rude and verbally aggressive. She lives alone because my dad passed away 8 years ago. So I try to check on her every day and be there for her when she needs help. I guess I am in for a long road. I am just trying to keep myself from not being consumed by this. Thanks everyone for your words.
The truth of the matter is that if your mother will not address this and your mother's MD will not address it there is very little you can do until this becomes bad enough for you to contact APS and tell them you are worried for the safety of Mom and possibly others.
You can tell them what you told us.
Other than this, I will tell you there's not a lot while she is functioning so well as she is.
If this IS mental illness or dementia, then eventually you are going to see more problems or, as I did with my brother "get the call" from a hospital. At that point you will contact Social Services and tell them you saw this coming and it's crucial that your mom receive testing before discharge.
I hope others have better advice than mine. I am stuck in the "not everything can be fixed " mode of late.
How do you know she is taking her meds? How do you know she is taking her meds correctly?
Anyone with that degree of paranoia, obviously is pretty well into their dementia journey and should not be living on their own anymore.
You may think that she's doing all these other things well, but I'm guessing that in fact she is messing up many things with her broken brain.
You must remember that this is the disease speaking and not your mother. Try best you can to let it just roll off your back.
And if you can't do that, call APS and report a vulnerable adult with dementia, living by themselves and they will come out and investigate and take over her care if necessary.