My step father recently passed away and my controlling Mother says she doesn’t want to be on her own. She has a history of health complaints and has ruined so many family times and gatherings. Her needs are always the most important. My brother ( the golden child) will not have her living with his family because his wife will not have it. My mother has hit my sister in law in the past !
My mother is able to manipulate strangers into feeling sorry for her usually by telling them that her daughter (me) doesn’t do anything for her. When the truth is I have actually done so much for her and my step father but it’s never enough.
Her mood swings throughout her life have often been dreadful to deal with. Often I have been the target or scapegoat. My brother can do no wrong.
My step father was a lovely man but he was also an enabler and he would put up with my Mothers controlling bad behaviour.
I went weeks and months sometimes trying to keep a distance from my Mother following one of her latest onslaughts. Not only was she verbally abusive towards me but also physically abusive. Even in her later years.
Now my step father is no longer with us and I have been trying to support my mother since his passing. His funeral is a week away and my Mother is now on her own in her longtime home. Her health is poor but that’s been the story all her life. She is prone to lies and exaggerations so one never knows just how ill she is. Though age is not on her side now.
Now she has said she can’t live on her own anymore and wants to move in with me and my husband!
At the age of 66 years myself, the thought of her living with us permanently is driving me mad.
But she says she won’t go into any type of outside care and I,as her daughter owes it to her to care for her in her old age.
Though she never cared for her own parents!
How can I gently let her know that I couldn’t cope with her living permanently with me?
Old Post. Just realized myself, it's from July. Somehow this happens once in a while, old posts showing up again due to a response or some such.
Get a roommate
Hire a live in caregiver
Go to a facility
Get used to living alone
You do not owe her anything and she will devour you if you don't protect yourself and just say NO. It is a complete sentence.
I would start treating her like she tells everyone you do. Give me the name, might as well play the game. Let her see what it looks like when you don't help her.
Don't get into argument. You have a right to your own life, but your mother has apparently invested some time and trouble in making you believe that you don't have such a right. You will have to stand strong for yourself now; no one else will do it for you. Wishing you good luck.
Narcissists require the presence of someone else to feel alive. Being alone means they must face silence and introspective thoughts. It is easier for them to be in someone else's space and take energy and reactions from loved ones. They abuse the fact that adult children would rather have a mother who is dysfunctional than no mother at all.
I agree that living permanently with you is not an option. You must protect your mental health at all costs. You should be helpful when you refuse them and gentle in turning them down. If need be, cut conversation short and pick up at a later time. It is hard to do, they often stir the pot trying to get a rise out of you and intimidate you into giving in or guilting you. They are partly ashamed you don't want them, and offended of your rejection of them. They say "it can't be ME thats the problem" because they cannot accept they are difficult.
But, I think you would be dealing with lesser of two evils in this situation. You are either guilty for turning them down or pay a terrible cost to your mental health: your choice. The sad thing is it is not a thrilling outcome because they force your hand. I feel for you. I am in your position and see the desperate and tone deaf behavior they display. They see your discomfort but aren't willing to make it easy for you.
Mental illness is a killer in American society. Sending you support to face this ugly reality. Do what you have to do!
I think your mother will predictably suffer some breakdown just before, during, or right after the funeral and it will appear that you need to " take her in".
Do not fall for this. Get her to the hospital for treatment, have a "visiting angels" agency number in your back pocket that you and doc brother can engage (using her funds). Be prepared.
It makes such a difference to hear from others who have similar experiences.
I know I have to say NO to her and I know she will hit the roof and probably go ‘ hysterical’ but she can’t blackmail me into doing something which I know will eventually be the ‘death’ of my sanity and my own health.
I need to wait until after the funeral of course. Then I’ll try to deal with this subject.
Wish me luck 😳
You don't owe her a place in your home.
You don't owe her caregiving.
You don't owe her for raising you.
You certainly don't owe her any explanation on why you don't owe her anything.
You owe YOURSELF a life.
You owe yourself a peaceful place to call home.
You owe it to YOUR immediate family (husband/kids if any) to keep your home a sanctuary from the outside world. Since from what you describe, there seems to be no doubt that her living with you would shatter that peace, say no and don't feel guilty.
(((Hugs)))
You need to set boundries now what you are willing to do for her and what your not. First thing is, you need to say "NO Mom, living with me is not an option, period." It will never work. Your days will be nothing but confrontations. Like suggested, you are willing to help her look for IL or an AL. This way she will have other people to talk to and activities. "Gently" will not work with someone like your Mom. You have to look her in the eye and firmly say "NO!" If you pussy foot around, you will give the impression she can manipulate you. If she keeps on say NO is NO. When that doesn't work you say you will not discuss this any further.
If she won't except outside help or move to a facility, then you will just have to wait for something to happen that lands her in the hospital and then rehab. If its determined she needs 24/7 and no one can care for her, she will find herself in LTC. Against her will because she is an unsafe discharge. Just happened to a friend. If you go to Discussions, you will find my story about her. Maybe you should show it to Mom. My friend is where she is because she refused to use resources available to her.
If she blows up, repeat that she will not be living with you and hang up. Do not stick around to get chewed on.
She doesn't have to go to a facility, but that doesn't mean that she gets to come to your house. Who hits a grown woman that her son chose as his life partner? I promise you telling her no will be difficult but soooooooo much easier then living with her.
She can not force you to give her a room in your home. Do not buy into her beliefs that you owe her this and beware of "medical" conditions that only need care for a week or two. She chooses not to go to a facility, meaning she chooses in home care at her expense in her home or doing it alone. Stay strong and don't let her guilt you into sacrificing your life to prop her up.
Has your mother been diagnosed with mental illness? I would suggest getting a mental health evaluation, if she has not had one. She might need to be on medication.
I would not take your mother in to your home to care for her. You will regret it if you do. Have a talk with her and tell her no, it is not in her best interest. Assist her in finding live in help, if she can afford it. There are lots of ways to assist your mother, but not hands on. Wishing you the best for you and your mother.
My Mother presents well and has no signs of Dementia. Her brain works overtime if anything!
As regards having some sort of Mental illness, she wouldn’t even consider the thought of getting ‘checked’ but she definitely displays the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My brother is a doctor and he believes the same.
Despite her age and now progressive frail health she has all the energy in the world. She tires me out!
Yet she has always expected to be waited on due to her many ‘illnesses’.
In my whole life I have never known her to say she feels well !This obsession with her own ill health is definitely a mental thing with her. Hence her living to the ripe old age of 90!
Like you I love my Mum but because of her NPD she is not easy to
like or live with.
Thanks for your support.
"Why? Because this is MY home and I get to say who lives here. It doesn't suit me to have someone else live here."
"I don't need to give you any more reason than what I've just told you mom; you raised me to be an independent adult and thus, I am not subject to manipulation by crying or tantrums."
"I really don't care what you tell the neighbors/relatives/others, mom. This is my decision".
"If you say you are going to commit suicide, I'll need to call 911 to get you help for that".
Practice these sentences. Find yourself a therapist who can help. Stop walking on eggshells.
Maybe something like this in a public environment or somewhere you can escape from - it's harder now with covid restrictions.
"Mother, I understand that this is a hard time for you, and I will do what I can to support you, but I can not care for you in my home. "
You don't need to justify your decision. If she asks why just repeat that you cannot/you have made your decision. If she gets difficult leave saying that you will talk with her later when she feels better.
Let her know you understand she is upset as her husband just has passed and that you will support her as you are able. And I would say expect that this will not go down well and be prepared to deal with that Good luck Let us know how things pan out and don't feel guilty!!!! You have no obligation to take her into your home in her old age. It is her responsibility to make plans for herself.
I am willing to support any kind of outside help for her, willing to clean or run errands for her, but she wants 'all or nothing' meaning, she'd rather complain about the poor care she feels she receives at YB's house than accept a solution to the situation--hiring aides & a house cleaner which would 'solve' all her problems.
The HARD NO applies to both my mother and my MIL.
People with poor relationships with their folks are deluded to think that a bad relationship will improve if they move them in. My YB thought he was just making it easier to deal with mother by moving her in with them. 22 years later--huge mistake. She just turned 90 and probably has 5+ more years in her. The women in her family lived well into their 90's. All of them.
"NO" one more time "NO" and again with feeling and conviction this time.
Tell mom that you can not safely manage caring for her.
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney. Sell her house to help pay for her care.
Apply for Medicaid if necessary.
If she flat out refuses to move to AL (Assisted Living) then sit with her while you and she interview agencies that will provide caregivers for her for the length of time each day that she needs help. You do not indicate if she has any true health problems so a "companion, or sitter" might be all she needs. Someone to be there for her, do some light housekeeping.
If she is a candidate she might do well in Adult Day Care or even several times a week at the local Senior Center where she could have companionship and be a bit active.
You have a right to live your own life. And remember you have the power here. She can't make you do anything. Tell her moving in with you is not an option. Do not wait around for her response. Walk away. Would your husband be willing to be the bad guy in this situation? Quite frankly you don't have to gently let her down. Just a simple NO. Do not allow her to try and argue with you. Hang up the phone. Walk away.
Mot seniors bad mouth the ones that do the most for them. My grandmother talked terrible about my parents but they did try and help her...just not enough for her in her mind. My uncle did very little but he would buy her something every once in awhile and he was golden. Stop worrying about what others think. Keep yourself safe and sane.