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Hiya - I’m going through the same thing. Mom is 79 and although we are waiting for the official diagnosis of dementia, she does have cognitive impairment.
She recently moved in with me and I told her no driving (she also has severe mobility issues) as she is now an hour from her old life and I will take her anywhere she wants to go (so far it’s been shopping, bingo, out for lunch, etc). Yup, she hates me. My brother even took her keys so she can’t drive - still hates me.
The neurologist told her no driving until the next pet-scan, she agreed… and then called her pcp to drive again. At this point, the neurologist is informing the DMV and it’s out of my hands. Guess what… still hates ME.
I don’t have answers for you, but know you aren’t alone.
Yes, you did the right thing and he WILL get over it. Even if he doesn't, you still did the right thing. If he's hating you over this, then this speaks to his cognitive condition, which is impaired.
If you allowed him to keep the car and he hurt himself or someone else, then you would hate yourself and never get over it. You are now the adult in this relationship, and that means making hard and unpopular decisions.
Yes, it's hurtful that he is angry at you, but he is old, and old age includes so many losses and many things to be angry about.
Often that anger is directed to whoever is closest, because he is no longer capable of understanding logic and reason. It's not that different than a parent taking a favorite toy away from a child, and having that child cry "I hate you!" They don't really hate you, they just hate the strong emotions they are feeling.
Commiserate with him and blame it on a 3rd party like the DMV, the law, or the government, so he feels like you're on his side.
Tell him the doctor said he can’t drive because he’s blind .Rinse and repeat as necessary . Let him be angry. It is not your job to please him. I for one am totally over the madness when a very elderly person keeps trying to drive when they shouldn’t. My grandfather took my great grandfather’s car away the first time he got lost. There was no drama or feeling bad about it . It was just taken away as a matter of fact . I would not put up with any drama over this . He’s blind so no driving , it’s that simple .
Your father doesn't hate you, he's just mad that one more thing has been taken away regarding his independence, and that can be a hard pill for some of us to swallow. You did the right thing, and are keeping innocent people safe on the roadways by taking his car and not taking the chance of him killing someone with it. So rest in the knowledge of that. And just give your father time, with having dementia, eventually he'll forget all about it.
Kikuyu, welcome to the forum. I can understand your Dad being upset that his car was taken away, it would be no different that if that happened to a teenager with his/her car. Car is freedom.
We must remember, that if we take something away from an elder, such as a car, we need to put into place an easy way for that elder to get to the store, etc. Is there a senior bus service or local taxi cab company that caters to seniors?
I see you had clicked on Alzheminer's/Dementia. Eventually your Dad will forget about the car and why he is angry with you.
Maybe the elderly person should have thought about that and planned ahead? To spare their adult child. Perhaps they are emotionally immature parents of adult children? Much to be learned if this hits home. You did the right thing taking the keys. Don’t let him guilt you. Read and learn.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She recently moved in with me and I told her no driving (she also has severe mobility issues) as she is now an hour from her old life and I will take her anywhere she wants to go (so far it’s been shopping, bingo, out for lunch, etc). Yup, she hates me. My brother even took her keys so she can’t drive - still hates me.
The neurologist told her no driving until the next pet-scan, she agreed… and then called her pcp to drive again. At this point, the neurologist is informing the DMV and it’s out of my hands. Guess what… still hates ME.
I don’t have answers for you, but know you aren’t alone.
If you allowed him to keep the car and he hurt himself or someone else, then you would hate yourself and never get over it. You are now the adult in this relationship, and that means making hard and unpopular decisions.
Yes, it's hurtful that he is angry at you, but he is old, and old age includes so many losses and many things to be angry about.
Often that anger is directed to whoever is closest, because he is no longer capable of understanding logic and reason. It's not that different than a parent taking a favorite toy away from a child, and having that child cry "I hate you!"
They don't really hate you, they just hate the strong emotions they are feeling.
Commiserate with him and blame it on a 3rd party like the DMV, the law, or the government, so he feels like you're on his side.
Let him be angry. It is not your job to please him.
I for one am totally over the madness when a very elderly person keeps trying to drive when they shouldn’t.
My grandfather took my great grandfather’s car away the first time he got lost. There was no drama or feeling bad about it . It was just taken away as a matter of fact .
I would not put up with any drama over this . He’s blind so no driving , it’s that simple .
Is he frequently angry? If so, talk to his doctor(s) about medications to calm him. If it's just over this thing, he'll get over it eventually.
Too bad, so sad.
He will get over it eventually. You very obviously did the right thing.
You did the right thing, and are keeping innocent people safe on the roadways by taking his car and not taking the chance of him killing someone with it. So rest in the knowledge of that.
And just give your father time, with having dementia, eventually he'll forget all about it.
We must remember, that if we take something away from an elder, such as a car, we need to put into place an easy way for that elder to get to the store, etc. Is there a senior bus service or local taxi cab company that caters to seniors?
I see you had clicked on Alzheminer's/Dementia. Eventually your Dad will forget about the car and why he is angry with you.