My 93-year-old mom is having anxiety about legal decisions she has made and now wants to change this situation. Please advise.
My mom has lived with me since 2005. My dad is deceased since 2002.
She has my name on her checking account so I can purchase her medication and other items needed.
She has a small savings account that she has her name and younger brother‘s name on. She also has him named as executor of her will. The will needs to be updated. She has a deceased brother’s name on it and so forth.
She is 93, Parkinson’s disease and has really slowed down. I have been telling her that she may need to go into a facility, either assisted living or nursing home at some point. I have explained that if funds are needed for the assisted living facility she needs to free up funds for her care. I do not trust my brother to release funds. He has never been responsible with money.
My brothers think as long as I am doing all of the caregiving that everything is fine as is. No matter how much I have tried to explain situations, they are clueless and basically uninvolved in her care or even just visiting her.
I think the message is finally starting to sink in with mom and she recently told me she wished to remove my brother’s name off of saving account and placing in my name because I have medical power of attorney for her. She also wants him removed as executor because she has realized he isn’t responsible or capable of handling the tasks that will be involved. He will just ask my older brother to help him. He doesn’t even know how to file his taxes. My husband has done it for him for years. I am the primary, full time caregiver in my home.
She also wants to update her will and leave some to my brothers and leave the bulk to me to handle necessary expenses, her burial in family plot and so forth.
She doesn’t get much social security. I will need veteran assistance if she goes into assisted living. If not she may end up in nursing home.
Do I discuss any of this with my brothers or just keep it between mom and me? Do you feel WW111 will break out if they aren’t told? What if she suggest telling them? I fear that. She loves them. They are her sons. She is disappointed in them at times and has made excuses for them as well, nevertheless loves them.
Do I need a lawyer for these answers or can anyone here help? Would appreciate views on online site Legal Zoom. Has anyone used it? Need a living will for mom too.
Appreciate any advice. Thanks a million!
40 Answers
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If you love and respect your family, I would tell them.
Unfortunately. my brothers are not responsible individuals. Never have been. I’ve always been the kid closest to my parents. I wanted a close relationship with my brothers but it isn’t possible with selfish people. Sad.
Has nothing to do with love and respect. I want this to be as stress free as possible. I have been on overload for quite some time. Long before mom lived with me, I took care of mom and dad, while raising my own kids. Has been a long, exhausting, difficult road.
I certainly don’t want to add to my mom’s stress. She has enough on her plate as well. Parkinson’s is a tough disease. I have one brother, that happens to be the executor who lives minutes away and never, ever visits but let him spend too much money on music equipment and other unnecessary stuff and he eats at my house because he’s broke! My mom said she knew he wasn’t capable of doing things but wanted to make him feel important and not left out. Not smart but it is her way of feeling like she is showing love.
I know about love and respect but sadly my brothers don’t.
Unfortunately, I don’t see any close relationship with my brothers after my mother’s death. For years I hosted big holiday dinners for everyone but stopped and now only do my immediate family and mom. I have enough to do! They have always done their own thing unless it was a holiday meal or needed something.
When it comes to slitting moms assets, she doesn't need to leave you more to cover her funeral and bills. Its an Executors job to make sure that before inheritance are distributed that the funeral arrangements are paid and any outstanding bills. Then what is left is split between the beneficiaries. You need to see a lawyer to get this all set up legally.
That’s all I want, burial cost. I hope my brothers don’t go wracking up bills for fancy toys thinking a few dollars will be thrown their way. Mom does want to leave them some. It’s her money. She can choose that. One brother already went bankrupt twice.
I personally think it should go towards her care. Brothers will feel like I am abandoning mom. I do need a break sometimes! Once, a few years back I wanted to see a particular plantation home, just a simple day trip and my brother texted the whole time as to when I was returning. When I returned his text to say when, he left before I even got home. Suppose my mother would have fallen. I was so upset with him.
Thanks JoAnn, your responses are always helpful.
So sorry your mom was turned down. All I can do is try.
I hate to be blunt, but will there be any real assts left when she passes? A small income and ongoing expenses along with funeral expenses and final medical bills will wipe it all out. Ditto for having her live in a nursing home of A.L.
If he wants to take care of you, have a formal arrangement for her to pay rent while she lives with you. The Attorney can draw this up.
Thanks for info. I am not expecting money left. My mom has a tender heart with her sons. She would like to leave them something.
That generation was a bit sexist and thought a man should be in charge! Plus she wants him to feel she recognizes him.
She did understand however, when the doctor said it was the primary caregiver that should be her medical power of attorney. Women do ‘service’ kind of thing. Very old fashioned. She’s 93!
He’s not involved in anything. Too busy living his life.
Mom doesn’t pay rent. She pays for her meds and personal items though.
That concerns me too. He is her son. She loves him dearly even though she gets hurt from him not visiting her. I have asked both brothers who live here to please visit and call more frequently. I agree, cwille. Even if she chooses not to tell him during the process, she can tell him shortly afterwards with the explanation that she feels I am better suited. Sadly, he isn’t involved in her life. I wish my brothers were closer. But I can’t force them. They never were. She has complained to me about that for years. Long before she lived with me.
The brother in DC does call and visit some. He has money galore but does not offer financial help. So be it. His money. He’s an investment banker. I don’t ask personal questions about their money. A lot of his funds are invested in property.
It is a difficult disease. Mom is already 93. Five years is what I have heard for the look back. Has me concerned.
My husband's mother had comparable issues, wanting to leave the bulk of her funds to the three sons and not to a very difficult daughter. Her lawyer suggested that she disbursed the money as gifts to the sons, and then left the remainder in equal shares, which she did with no issues. DH and I were quite clear that if she had ran out of funds for care, we would be returning money to her. My first MIL also had comparable issues regarding a second wife and her sons, and she saw her lawyer separately.
I think it would be a good idea to make a list for the lawyer of the issues you have talked through with mother, and also ask him or her for a confirmatory letter about the process - in particular that your mother was legally competent, that she was interviewed alone and was clear about her wishes, and that the lawyer saw no signs of undue pressure on her. Don't do it by email - they get deleted. Take a photo copy of everything. You don't want to lose the records in case of future issues. This really is something to do with a lawyer, because of the possible problems down the track. The living will may be something you can do on a local form, but not the estate will. I'm a lawyer, but not in your jurisdiction, and this is the advice I would give (and also the advice we followed ourselves with DH's mother and my own MIL).
My mom won’t do anything alone anymore. She can’t hear well. Even with hearing aid. She does read my lips some. I hate having to shout all day! It wears me out. I try to write things down sometimes. I even thought of maybe making signs so I won’t have to keep writing the same thing. She gets upset sometimes if I write because she thinks it is more personal to speak and I agree but I get so very tired repeating and screaming.
At first when she asked me to go into doctor’s office I felt like I would be intruding on her privacy and said no, that I wasn’t comfortable with it. That’s when she said, “I need you to be my ears and there is nothing that you can’t hear.” So I joined her in office instead of staying in waiting room.
She has trouble if people speak fast fast or turn away. She tries to read lips.
Maybe I could request something to be typed up for her to read in large print.
She has her sound mind. So now is the time to do it.
I appreciate your advice. Very helpful.
You answered my questions perfectly. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. I appreciate it.
I think the concept of “legal” competence may vary from state to state, but I also think that if you initiate a change in her will without some proof that she is mentally competent to carry out the change, the legal POA could challenge it.
If there is evidence of altered thinking, you will have to have some determination based on objective criteria.
Hoping everything works out to your mom’s advantage.
We don’t have a POA. I only have medical power of attorney. My mom’s doctor told me that I should get POA too. I guess I should. Trying to tie up loose ends so mom can relax.
I am planning to look into getting assessment for her.
I am in a similar situation with mom of same age. Only I am the only living child. If Mom were able to do things on her own, there would be no reason for me to be involved with her legal papers including her will. But she is unable to do these things for herself, so, like you, I help her.
Now here is the kicker. No one, absolutely no one, is owed an explanation of any of your mother's legal affairs. With a will, my feeling (and this is how I was raised) is that if anything is left (money, property, etc.) to someone, that is a gift, NOT an entitlement. Anyone who is on the receiving end SHOULD be appreciative and grateful, NOT feeling as if they are owed something.
You are the responsible one, and acting as the extension of your mother carrying out her wishes. Please do not feel obligated to discuss with the others.
But DO have an attorney draw up the legal paperwork.
Hope this helped. And I’m sure , for an additional fee, the wills and other legals, can be amended. Good Luck!
I appreciate the information.
Documents are tricky to make yourself. I made one for executor from a library book. Turned out by Florida law, the signature lines were reversed and I would now need a probate litigating attorney to argue it. Money was now trapped in her checking account that I needed for her expenses So I am letting it stay there for 3 years until it is turned over to the state's unclaimed funds.
As for living wills, hospitals want you to have them if they have a DAR (Do not resuscitate). Other wise they do what they want.
Wills are useless too unless you go into probate. But you don't want to do that because they will insist the money go equally to the three of you.
Do all this before she passes as your POA will have no standing afterwards.
Also, if mom is listed as Trustee and son/daughter is beneficiary, then mom has control of her funds until her death. Then beneficiary presents to bank with certified copy of death certificate to have funds disbursed to them. Hope this helps...
I understand that your mother needs your set of ears to hear and translate what the lawyer says. So does my dad. He had me write down and then type up the additions and changes he wanted in his existing will, as well as the questions he had for the attorney. I accompanied him to his appt with the attorney to help with clarification. After all of my dad's wishes were recorded by the attorney, it took a couple weeks to get the changes typed up and another appt made. At that appt, the attorney talked my dad through the revised will, got his approval, and I was required to leave the room while my dad signed the document in the presence of the attorney and two witnesses on his legal team.
Also, one of my brothers is financially well to do and told my dad specifically that he didn't need to be left any money. The attorney stated that fact in the will and included my brother's name to discourage contesting of the will after my dad passed.
Only you know the dynamics of your relationship with your brothers. Use your best judgment where they're concerned. I don't agree that you need to inform them of ANY changes to the will or any accounts until after all has been changed and settled. But the sooner you get it all done, the better! And I'm sure it will put mom at ease as well. All the best to you!
Assisted Living Facilities (ALs) in NJ accept Medicaid but on a very limited basis;they are legally allowed to designate a small per centage of their "beds" as Medicaid beds. They usually require a period of "private pay" (maybe 2 years) before they will consider a resident for Medicaid but the question is will a Medicaid bed be available when you need it. It they have not guaranteed you a medicaid in your written contract, they can ask you to leave and at that point you would need to apply for a Nursing Home (NH ) placement. Medicaid in NJ takes a five year look back - no gifting allowed - and the spend down amount is to $2000. You are allowed to prepay funeral/burial cost but it must be irrevocable trust. If she can afford it and there is a good one in your area, you may want to visit the idea of her moving to a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community). The upfront charge is significant but for that amount you are "buying" into the entire health spectrum from independent living to NH even though you are still required to pay a monthly fee for whatever level of care you are at.
As fast as possible,
1. Get a mental health assessment done. Check the internet to see what's required in your ( 1 MD or 2, doesn't it have to be geriatric specialist?).
2. get to see a certified (look for a list on the internet to make sure they are really certified!!) eldercare attorney in your area. They can give you advice tailored to your situation and to the way Medicaid operates in your state. also ask about the situation with the banks. Banks are notoriously rigorous about PoA status; many require that you use their PoA papers in addition to any other you may have. Make sure your PoA is Durable and not just a General one. Get the Will and Advance direction done quickly.
3. Start to research facilities (AL and NH) in your area. Start your search on medicare.gov but always visit (one than once and at different times of the day).
Yes, item 1 & 2 are going to cost money but believe it is well worth it.
My own feeling having witness this more times that I care to admit is that after you speak with the lawyer and have the assessment done is that your mother, perhaps in the presence of the attorney needs to advise your siblings of the change in status. Don't expect them to be happy about it but at least they can vent before your mother passes and maybe come to grips with the reality of the situation.
Good Luck, and God Bless. Many hugs to you and yours.
I admit that I used Legal Zoom for very simple wills for my husband and me, but we don’t have any kids, or any complicated assets to speak of. All the same, I’m still thinking of going to a lawyer to replace those wills. As a former lawyer (from decades ago), I don’t feel very confident about them. They were just a stopgap since my husband has an old existing will with his late wife-before-me, leaving things to nieces he hasn’t spoken in decades. (He doesn’t like to see lawyers either. He just assumes that his heirs on that will will simply “do the right thing.” Maybe they will, but people are funny about money.)
A good lawyer should be able to shepherd your mom through the process and give her (and you) peace of mind. It’s worth every cent. Good luck. Your mom is lucky to have you.
1. No one should be joint on a bank account or any other financial account except as POA. It makes both parties responsible for the debts of the other. For example, if you are in a car accident and get sued, they can come after your mom's money. It may also affect Medicare spend down if you co-mingle funds.
2. The DPOA should be in effect NOW, not a springing POA that requires a doctor to determine incompetence. The lawyer said, "if you don't trust this person enough now to handle your finances, why would you trust them later?" Good point.
It sounds like your brother is a high-risk kinda guy, so yes, I would transfer all money to a new account(s) with beneficiary only. POA can have access to any/all accounts for the purpose of paying bills, etc., but the beneficiary cannot, unless s/he is also the POA. You do understand that once your mom passes, the POA is null and void and the EXECUTOR TAKES OVER?
Because my dad wanted to make sure I have something to help me financially after he passes, I am listed on his small investment portfolio as JT ROS (joint owner with right of survivorship). However, if his future care requires it, that could be drained.
Your eldercare attorney can do other things like do a ladybird quick deed to make sure after her death the house goes to you and avoids probate. The house is legally hers until death, so this is not considered "gifting". That's the key..nothing goes into probate. Eldercare attorneys are specialists in estate planning. They KNOW the State and Federal laws and do not attempt to do it on your own. The laws are very complex and tricky. I paid only a few hundred dollars to the lawyer and it saved me a considerable amount of money and headache.
My thoughts are with you as you attempt to take care of your Mom with brothers who think "they know best", has "mom's best interest in mind", or "it's for mom's own good". If you hear ANYTHING like this from the voices of your bothers, RUN as fast as you can! Again, please read my story if it is still on this site from 2013-2015. I wish you the best. Kate
The other benefit of pre paying for the funeral, is that it takes a load of work and stress off you when she does pass.
The first time I was involved with arranging for a funeral, it was my ex's uncle. It was a nightmare, not knowing what he wanted, I barely knew the old alcoholic, trying to support my former mil and my former bil being there, because he felt he had to but offering no support.
The second was when my step dad died last fall. He had prepaid, he had a folder with the hymns and songs he wanted, he had a verse prepared and more. I was able to be with Mum at the funeral home and church, and offer her support, but she did not have to make any decisions while coping with the death of her partner.
I have to look into that. When I checked with the cemetery there wasn’t a prepay option to open the grave. When I asked why they said that the price may be different then. Gets confusing at times.
But, yeah I agree, that would be much simpler! It would give me peace of mind. My dad is in one of the smaller old neighborhood cemeteries in New Orleans.
I have more research to do. Trying to prepare and wrap up loose ends. Mom is 93! Her brother who also had Parkinson’s lived to be 96. My cousin is 97. Mom may live to 100!
Exactly, tothill. the more prepared, the better. Sorry you had such a nightmare.
Not familiar with all of that. My mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. I don’t have any documentation. We were scrambling to leave the city for the storm, thought it would be like most other storms and was anything but. Mom had nine feet of water. She did not live in a flood zone but due to the levees breaking, the city flooded in areas that had never flooded before.
Nevertheless, we will see what can be done. Again, I appreciate your help. Thanks.
When you're making the appointment with the lawyer, inform the secretary that your mother is hard of hearing and requires large print. I agree that you should let her consult with her attorney in private. Drive her to the appointment and go shopping or wait at a nearby cafe. Tell the secretary to call you when she's ready for pickup. That way, no one can ever accuse you of undue influence.
Your mother does not need to ask her sons for permission to change her will, her POA, or withdraw her money from her savings account in order for those funds to be available for her expenses. Use some of those funds to pay for the attorney.
After my MIL died, my husband made arrangements to purchase the spot next to hers for his dad. He negotiated a 0% interest monthly payment that's affordable. Maybe you can arrange something similar for her where your dad is buried.
My inlaws changed the executor of their wills without telling the former executor. The former executor's feathers were ruffled and so what? His parents changed their wills because their circumstances changed. No explanations needed.
I in no way want to keep my brothers from my mom. I wish that they were more involved in her life. Sadly, they never were. They went about living their lives, not judging them for that, they have the right to do as they please.
However, the old saying, “Can’t have your cake and eat it too.” comes to mind. They want to be recognized by mom, without doing anything for her.
She feels hurt by being ignored by them. She used to make excuses for them to make herself feel better but no longer does. She saw it herself. Give some people enough rope and they hang themselves, right?
really need to get POA and be the executor of her will. If you brothers contest the will as is, it will be a big fight.
When my mom passed I had POA but the will was old, didn't think about it, my
brothers didn't want anything to do with our mom's death. So Sad.
It took 3+ months delay to finalize her will as my 3 brothers were listed also as
executors. They each had to go to their bank and the bank sent to my bank that they signed off. Yes my mom and dad were one of those poor seniors, There
was not much of a estate so my brothers didn't even come to the funeral.
So Sad again, later in life they will realize that they didn't say goodbye.
Do it now when your mom is still in good mind. Get a senior based lawyer,
He can advise you best.
I can see that I am not in this dilemma alone. So many of us go through confusion. Don’t we?
So sorry that your brothers were not only in your mother’s life but also made your life difficult. Neither of you deserved it.