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I keep replaying in my head every time I was impatient with her, or short with her. I keep thinking of how I complained about her to anyone who would listen, and wasn't always as gracious as I could have been with her. Even though I saw her every day, I was always in a rush to get home. I'm so ashamed and feel so guilty and remorseful. I want a do over. I sob constantly. Will these feelings ever subside? I feel like a worthless piece of crap 😞

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Yes these misplaced feelings will subside over time, but for right now you must know that your mom knew that you loved her and did the very best that you could. That's all any of us can do.
We are all human and we all have our breaking points, but it's a waste of time to now beat yourself up over something that you cannot change.
You can only go forward one step at a time, and again know that your mom would NOT want you beating yourself over this misplaced "guilt" as she would want you now moving forward in a healthy manner and enjoying this one life that you've been given.
So get out there and make your mom proud!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Instead of replaying your shortcomings over and over in your mind, try replaying the nice moments and fun times you shared together with your mom over the years before she died. Remember her smiling and laughing, and recall something nice you did for her on one of the 25,000 times you went over there to help her. The human mind tends to dwell on the negative, and it's up to us to switch that thinking over to the positive when it happens. Pat yourself on the back for being there for your mom, because many, many daughters choose not to be. They move away purposely so they don't have to do a single thing for their parent(s). You've done plenty for a woman who lived an incredibly long life. Of course your patience was running short at times, seeing her daily, when that was probably the last thing you wanted to do! Join the club of imperfect humans on that.

Stop feeling ashamed, guilty and sobbing constantly over something that's now in the past. Berating yourself is useless. Try focusing on your loveable, awesome qualities instead and the fact you stood by mom for her entire life! Be proud.

My condolences on your loss.
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LisaAnn1027 Nov 26, 2024
Thank you for this...
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Sorry for your loss.

I was the only child of 3 that was there for my parents and later my Mom. I put up a wall just to be able to deal with theb hings that needed to be dealt with. Patience was not my forte. Still isn't. As a child who was easily made to feel guilty, I refuse to feel guilty concerning what I did or didn't do for Mom. I was the one who was there. The one who was called at 3am in the morning to be told she fell out of bed. The one that visited every day even if only for 15 min. My brothers once the whole year she was in care. No, not angry with my brothers and refuse to feel guilty.
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Awww. If I was your mama, I wouldn't want you to be kicking yourself. I would want you to forgive yourself, and quickly.

I would want you to take yourself out for a nice coffee, with full-fat cream and at least two sugars.

Then, I would want you to toast me and your new post-caregiving life.

Then, I would want you to sign up for a new class, or club, or fun activity. Maybe even a trip.

I would want you to have a wonderful life and move on. ◡̈
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Reply to cxmoody
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Hi Lisaann, you have nothing to feel bad about, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you have nothing to feel bad about.

I took my mom shopping today, she wanted to by her great grandson something . I just let her do it, honestly she has a toy store in her addict for him, but they never visit, and it's looking like they are not coming for Xmas this year. It kills me when she spends money on him. In hopes she will see him. Those kind of people have something to feel guilty about, but the probobly never will.

Those are the kind of people that feel no guilt. The kind like you and me carry it all.

So please try to just think of the good memories, it's what your mom would of wanted.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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You are purposely doing something harmful to your brain, and THAT is what you should feel guilty about. How does THAT honor your mother and her love? WOuld she be proud to see that? I doubt it.
The brain is malliable. It has plasticity. The words we tell it, the visions we call up to it over and over form a habitual path. You can convince your brain of anything. THIS IS PROVEN with test for pain levels. Those who concentrate on the pain? It hurts more.
Those who are diverted? It hurts less.

You are self-harming.
You need a good cognitive therapist (none of that online nonsense) to help you form healthy habits for your brain. This is a choice you are making to do some sort of penance for something that is human and normal and natural.
When did you expect yourself to be godlike? And isn't that a kind of hubris?
Are you up for Sainthood? Because if you are I can tell you it is a dreadful job description. You do only good, you get killed with arrows or some such torment, and then we pray to you for ETERNITY to fix every little woe we have.

Lisa Ann, you didn't cause this and you can fix it. Aging is what happens and when we age we become a pain in the butt. I am 82 and I guarantee you that. My daughter knows I love her and I know she loves me and if one of us passes suddenly, guess what, WE STILL KNOW IT. Even if in some frustrated moments we aren't perfect to one another.

Do you remember Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage. My third or fourth favorite movie; I swear I know the script. See Cher smacking Nick across the face and yelling "SNAP OUT OF IT".


Guilt? She was a burden and THAT is the TRUTH just as much as there are OTHER truths about her, such as you loved her and you miss her, and you feel sorry you said some cruel things. How many moms have a daughter stopping by and watching over as she did? My daughter is 3 states away and for her own good I hope she stays there? But I am just saying.....................

What you are doing is a choice. You are focusing backword and not being mindful about today, which is the only day you have and the only day you can address. Give yourself some respect here. Please! This isn't what your mom would want for you. SNAP out of it! (some people actually use a rubber band on their wrist to smack when their mind wants to go back to punish them.

Please don't do this. Please. In the name of all moms who have gone on and won't be at the Thanksgiving table I ask you not to do this to yourself. Change your focus. Get help. It's only a month, woman. Please be good to yourself like your mom would want you to. And I am so very sorry for this loss. I know it doesn't help your pain to mention what a long life your mom had. But she did. And at 82, having seen my parents go to their 90s, I can tell you there's a lot of things worse than death. We get TIRED! And when we do we can be a total PAIN about it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't "beat yourself up". You did the best you could. Know that your mom knows this. She would want you to get on and enjoy her life. She is happy and at peace and wants the same for you:}
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I still have moments when I replay my regrets and it's been 6 years, I doubt there are any of us who have been caregivers that can't think of times we said, did or failed to do something, it's part of being human. There is grief counselling for those of us whose feelings are overwhelming and who can't get beyond them so please seek it out (your hospice agency may offer it)
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Reply to cwillie
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LisaAnn, please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved mom, who I’m sure appreciated and felt incredibly lucky to have such a caring, conscientious daughter.

I hope amidst your grief you can think of the happy times too, and feel comforted. 😊💐
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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God bless you. You did good by your mom. Don’t be hard on yourself. You actually accomplished such an important thing. It’s hard being a caretaker and I am sure your mom understood. Thanks for sharing.
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LisaAnn1027 Nov 29, 2024
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Thank you all for your kind responses. I reread them daily. They help.❤️
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Anxietynacy Nov 29, 2024
Lisa, I'm glad we all helped you, things will get better!! It may not feel that way but they will.
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My condolences. It's normal grief. Have you looked for a grief support group in your area?
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Reply to Cashew
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I’ve often thought of things I wish I hadn’t said or done, other things I wish I had, times I wish I’d spent more time or effort….all with people I’ve now lost. The only use those thoughts have turned out to have is to do better with those still in my life, say the kind thing, bite my tongue when a thought doesn’t need expressing, spent more time, make an effort. Replaying the mistakes is torturous. Replaying the good memories brings comfort and peace, what I wish for you as I don’t doubt your mother knew your love
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I felt that way also after my mom passed. I have so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. I started writing down the things I felt I did right. I am not sure why but we always seem to focus on the perceived failures and not on the many, many things we do that make a positive impact. I listed them. I found that while I did regret many things, my list of positive items were much longer. It has been 2 years. If I allow myself to dwell on it, it is overwhelming. I pull out my positive list and it helps me gain a new perspective.

We are human. We will never get everything in our life perfectly right. We have to learn to live with the perceived failures and celebrate when we get it right. Don’t reach for perfection. It is impossible.

My heart goes out to you. Time will help.
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