I keep replaying in my head every time I was impatient with her, or short with her. I keep thinking of how I complained about her to anyone who would listen, and wasn't always as gracious as I could have been with her. Even though I saw her every day, I was always in a rush to get home. I'm so ashamed and feel so guilty and remorseful. I want a do over. I sob constantly. Will these feelings ever subside? I feel like a worthless piece of crap 😞
We are all human and we all have our breaking points, but it's a waste of time to now beat yourself up over something that you cannot change.
You can only go forward one step at a time, and again know that your mom would NOT want you beating yourself over this misplaced "guilt" as she would want you now moving forward in a healthy manner and enjoying this one life that you've been given.
So get out there and make your mom proud!
Stop feeling ashamed, guilty and sobbing constantly over something that's now in the past. Berating yourself is useless. Try focusing on your loveable, awesome qualities instead and the fact you stood by mom for her entire life! Be proud.
My condolences on your loss.
I was the only child of 3 that was there for my parents and later my Mom. I put up a wall just to be able to deal with theb hings that needed to be dealt with. Patience was not my forte. Still isn't. As a child who was easily made to feel guilty, I refuse to feel guilty concerning what I did or didn't do for Mom. I was the one who was there. The one who was called at 3am in the morning to be told she fell out of bed. The one that visited every day even if only for 15 min. My brothers once the whole year she was in care. No, not angry with my brothers and refuse to feel guilty.
I would want you to take yourself out for a nice coffee, with full-fat cream and at least two sugars.
Then, I would want you to toast me and your new post-caregiving life.
Then, I would want you to sign up for a new class, or club, or fun activity. Maybe even a trip.
I would want you to have a wonderful life and move on. ◡̈
I took my mom shopping today, she wanted to by her great grandson something . I just let her do it, honestly she has a toy store in her addict for him, but they never visit, and it's looking like they are not coming for Xmas this year. It kills me when she spends money on him. In hopes she will see him. Those kind of people have something to feel guilty about, but the probobly never will.
Those are the kind of people that feel no guilt. The kind like you and me carry it all.
So please try to just think of the good memories, it's what your mom would of wanted.
The brain is malliable. It has plasticity. The words we tell it, the visions we call up to it over and over form a habitual path. You can convince your brain of anything. THIS IS PROVEN with test for pain levels. Those who concentrate on the pain? It hurts more.
Those who are diverted? It hurts less.
You are self-harming.
You need a good cognitive therapist (none of that online nonsense) to help you form healthy habits for your brain. This is a choice you are making to do some sort of penance for something that is human and normal and natural.
When did you expect yourself to be godlike? And isn't that a kind of hubris?
Are you up for Sainthood? Because if you are I can tell you it is a dreadful job description. You do only good, you get killed with arrows or some such torment, and then we pray to you for ETERNITY to fix every little woe we have.
Lisa Ann, you didn't cause this and you can fix it. Aging is what happens and when we age we become a pain in the butt. I am 82 and I guarantee you that. My daughter knows I love her and I know she loves me and if one of us passes suddenly, guess what, WE STILL KNOW IT. Even if in some frustrated moments we aren't perfect to one another.
Do you remember Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage. My third or fourth favorite movie; I swear I know the script. See Cher smacking Nick across the face and yelling "SNAP OUT OF IT".
Guilt? She was a burden and THAT is the TRUTH just as much as there are OTHER truths about her, such as you loved her and you miss her, and you feel sorry you said some cruel things. How many moms have a daughter stopping by and watching over as she did? My daughter is 3 states away and for her own good I hope she stays there? But I am just saying.....................
What you are doing is a choice. You are focusing backword and not being mindful about today, which is the only day you have and the only day you can address. Give yourself some respect here. Please! This isn't what your mom would want for you. SNAP out of it! (some people actually use a rubber band on their wrist to smack when their mind wants to go back to punish them.
Please don't do this. Please. In the name of all moms who have gone on and won't be at the Thanksgiving table I ask you not to do this to yourself. Change your focus. Get help. It's only a month, woman. Please be good to yourself like your mom would want you to. And I am so very sorry for this loss. I know it doesn't help your pain to mention what a long life your mom had. But she did. And at 82, having seen my parents go to their 90s, I can tell you there's a lot of things worse than death. We get TIRED! And when we do we can be a total PAIN about it.
Don't "beat yourself up". You did the best you could. Know that your mom knows this. She would want you to get on and enjoy her life. She is happy and at peace and wants the same for you:}
I hope amidst your grief you can think of the happy times too, and feel comforted. 😊💐
We are human. We will never get everything in our life perfectly right. We have to learn to live with the perceived failures and celebrate when we get it right. Don’t reach for perfection. It is impossible.
My heart goes out to you. Time will help.