Brother is 82 and was diagnosed with dementia in 2017. He has been a widower for over a year now. I have POA, again. Handle his finances and medication. He and his deceased wife never had children of their own.
About 7 months after his wife passed away, neighbor lady (58) took over as POA. Brother claimed he was in love with her, and they would marry. Her side of the relationship was transactional. She charged him $25-50 an hour for anything she did for him. She claimed to be a humanitarian and an ombudsman. Her moods were very up and down. I highly suspect she has mental health problems.
After about 4 months she decided she wanted nothing to do with him, took herself off as POA, and now I’m POA.
Even though she wants nothing to do with him, he continues to give her money, and she accepts it. She has told him she has an inoperable breast tumor. I don’t know if there’s truth to that or not.
There are two more people, a gal, 57, and her boyfriend, who manipulate my brother financially. Both have drug problems, neither of them have jobs, homeless, and my brother pays for food and a hotel room. They briefly lived with my brother,
Along with another adult and two children, until the police and Adult Protective Services got them out. They had been using my brother’s debit card at will. None of the adults had jobs. My brother says he was helping them. The gal is a former foster daughter that my brother and sister-in-law took in years ago when she was about 5. She wasn’t with them that long when foster care made her go live with her dad, but she eventually ended back up with her drug-addicted mother. She ended up with the same kind of lifestyle as her mom, and my brother and sister-in-law, mostly my brother, helped her and her children financially through the years. He recently let her use his debit card to take her daughter’s shopping. After that, many online purchases were made with his card. The bank blocked the debit card and told him he couldn’t have another one for 6 months. He insisted I give him some checks, so I gave him a few so he could buy groceries and pay the gardener. He immediately wrote out two checks for cash at $300 ea. For the month of February, before his debit card was blocked, he had used it to withdraw $4,900 in cash. He has a good retirement, but I’m starting to have to make withdrawals from his savings to pay his bills. It’s very stressful.
Regarding his car, he doesn’t have a current driver’s license, just an ID. He couldn’t pass the last written test, and he’s not a good driver. I kept his car key, but he managed to access the car again. I believe he paid a locksmith, and he must have gotten another key fob. He allows the former foster daughter to drive it as well.
I live 40 miles from my brother, but another brother lives in the same town, and used to help me, but doesn’t want to anymore.
I love my brother, and want to keep helping him, but I don’t know how much longer I can continue. It’s been over two years now, and I’m so overwhelmed. It’s really affecting my marriage too. My husband is so tired of all this stress. I do have a very strong faith in God, and He keeps me hanging in there; otherwise, I couldn’t do it.
I'm sorry this was so long.
He needs to be in a facility with 24/7 supervision like assisted living . If you can’t get him to agree ….
You could call his local County Area of Aging to help you with placing him or
call APS to help him , as he is vulnerable.
Take away the car by selling it. He doesn't have a license. Cancel his insurance. Him loaning it to the foster sponge is a liability. You cannot allow his money to leak away -- he needs it to pay for his care.
Eventually you may choose to transition him to a facility, for his own good, whether he agrees with it or not. You get him in by telling a therapeutic fib: "there's a gas leak and you have to temporarily stay in this apartment", etc, whatever you think he will accept. Any facility will play along to help him transition.
It will be a lot of work for a while but then it will improve. You're doing yeoman's work on his behalf. God bless you.
Your profile states that your brother has Alzheimer’s disease. My brother has also been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.
Do you want to continue being your brother’s PoA?
This situation is placing a strain on your marriage. It’s only going to become worse as time goes on. Like Geaton and Way, I highly recommend that you look into placing your brother in a facility.
You know that he is a sitting duck living alone. He is vulnerable to others who wish to take advantage of him.
I am glad that you are comforted by your faith. You have been a blessing in your brother’s life. Know that you and your husband are equally as important as your brother.
Please don’t neglect your own wellbeing. Wishing you peace.
And you are handling everything?
If so, this is an easy one.
As POA you put yourself on all accounts as POA. No one can sign checks but you, and you sign as POA. This requires a GOOD POA well written and one that the bank accepts.
You then make an allowance account for him.
He is allowed to spend from the allowance account for whatever he wishes, including his former POA, friend. But once gone, that money, an "allowance" if you will, is not replenished until it is time to do so.
That's for POA. If you are his financial POA you are responsible NOW he has dementia to protect his funds and this is how it is done.
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As you are POA for someone incompetent, with a diagnosis of dementia, and you have been doing his financial for some time, you cannot simply resign. You must do so legally or it is considered abandonment. You would have to see an elder law attorney who would go before the court and make him a ward of the court. That person would protect his money.
This is likely the best move as you are not locally present, tho I did handle all bills, accounting, and POA/Trustee for my brother from the other end of the state. He was, however in care, and with this level of dementia so should your brother be.
I would call APS or see an elder law attorney for advice and for options.
Take all particulars in this case with you.
Sounds like your brother may thrive as a ward of the state, with his funds protected and himself in care and with you free to be his sister, and not a far removed caretaker who isn't able to control what he is doing currently.