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I was reading a form that discussed this, but when I tried to print it, it had changed to something else. Does anyone know the name of that discussion, which seemed to have many good ideas, or thoughts, that I could pass on to his wife. Thank you.
In some cases, not blaming the victim here, the relationship wasn’t good before Alzheimer’s or the caregiver is overwhelmed and prone to treating the patient as a child. Some patients are compliant, others not so much when they are “bossed” around. There are many types of dementia and even the same type can manifest differently when combined with other health issues, medications, and personality traits. Or with different caregivers. So each case is different.
My late MIL would throw her support “boot” at the daughter who would come over and screech about what MIL wasn’t doing, like not wearing the boot. With others she was fine, would never have dreamed of throwing anything. throwing the boot might seem violet but the remedy was to shut up about the boot and recognize that the woman had dementia. Just remove the boot … metaphorically speaking.
Regardless SIL can’t manage any longer. They live together. A trip to a certified elder attorney is in order if it hasn’t been done. This to understand that she can be financially protected, not loose everything if he is to go to memory care. She may fear the significant expense will wipe out their savings. Just knowing she has options might lighten her load.
We have just a glimpse of the situation but we know that violence is a deal breaker, caregivers are almost always stressed. The patient should be checked for medical issues. Taking action is necessary. I’m sure you didn’t want to hear what your SIL had to say but I’m glad she had you to confide in.
It may not be safe for your SIL to care for her hubby in home any more. There are certain dementias that have a whole lot of acting out. There are levels of acting out and only your SIL knows what is going on in their home. I think if this is new behavior there should first be a visit to MD for discussion. A UTI could be involved. There might be a need for mild anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressant meds.
HOWEVER in any situation that implies bodily harm sister needs to call 911 at once. When the EMTs arrive she should say she was attacked and is in fear for her life or for injury to self; that she needs him taken to ER for evaluation. I think she should NOT accompany the ambulance. That will see them piling him back into a cab with her and sending both home. She should stay by her phone and demand he be admitted to neuro-psyc for evaluation, and communicate with social services.
You may be looking at a situation where it isn't safe for bro to remain home; he may need memory care of other placement. I am so sorry. This has to be terribly distressing for all involved. I hope you'll update us.
She can’t be coping if accepting any u abusing behaviour she needs to contact his doctor and explain if it’s a medical issue then get it treated if not I’m sure the doctor has come across this before and should gave where to refer her to The lines been drawn
That’s a very difficult situation… unfortunately not much can be done other than medication. (I speak from experience). Please know that if the police are called and he gets violent with them the consequences could be dire. As others suggested his doctor must be contacted asap so he can prescribe the appropriate medication. Best of luck to you
She cannot stop his dangerous behaviors. And she can't predict what he will do next. The best thing for them both now would be placement in a memory care facility.
Violence cannot be tolerated no matter how sick they are or how much she loves him. It's very sad, but violence must be taken seriously EVERY TIME. That's Rule #1 in the Caregiver's Book of 697 Commandments (which does not actually exist but should). There are many good suggestions on this site; read and heed.
The main problem when violence starts is denial. We don't want to believe it is happening because then we should do something about it. We cannot understand how a mild-mannered loved one could turn on us and try to cause us harm. We think it's only temporary, as in "He only has a little bit of dementia, he'll be okay tomorrow." We think we can cope because we can't admit that we've failed at the Happy Happy Home Caregiving that we've been promised in countless articles and books that encouraged us to care for our Lovey Lovey Loved Ones in their home until they day they die (or we do, which might be before them due to the strain of it all).
It's a huge mind switch that SIL and everyone in this situation must make in order to provide the best care for the violent loved one and to save ourselves. Some caregivers aren't that flexible. They've promised Mumsy they'll never place her in One Of Those Horrible Places. Or Hubby that she'll change his diapers until the day he dies, even though eventually he's slinging those poopy diapers at HER.
Those who become violent can't help it. It is part of the disease. But no caregiver is required to endure abusive behavior. We ARE required to find a place where professionals trained in the proper techniques can provide the care our loved ones need. No home caregiver - unless professionally trained and experienced - can come near providing the care that an institution provides. And that is the difficult but honest truth.
She should talk to his doctor about increased violence. If at ANY time she is afraid for her safety she HAS to call 911. If you are there and you experience his rage YOU need to call 911. The big problem is if his anger can not be controlled she may find it difficult to place him. Most facilities have a policy of no violent episodes for sometimes as long as 90 days.
If you type ‘violence’ after clicking the magnifying glass symbol at the top right of the screen, you will find a large number of old discussions about this. At the very least, it will stop her from feeling alone!
As others have suggested, she needs to call 911 the very next time he gets aggressive (whether or not he hits her). At the ER they will hopefully 5150 admit him. She needs to make it clear he is an unsafe discharge and refuse to take him home. Ask to talk to the hospital social worker regarding direct transition into a facility.
Advice? Your sil needs to protect herself as your brother has become violent. Next time he does she can call 911 to have him removed and assessed. His dr should be informed and may have some meds that will help. it sounds like it is time for him to be placed in a facility where he has 24/7 professional care.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My late MIL would throw her support “boot” at the daughter who would come over and screech about what MIL wasn’t doing, like not wearing the boot. With others she was fine, would never have dreamed of throwing anything. throwing the boot might seem violet but the remedy was to shut up about the boot and recognize that the woman had dementia. Just remove the boot … metaphorically speaking.
Regardless SIL can’t manage any longer. They live together. A trip to a certified elder attorney is in order if it hasn’t been done. This to understand that she can be financially protected, not loose everything if he is to go to memory care. She may fear the significant expense will wipe out their savings.
Just knowing she has options might lighten her load.
We have just a glimpse of the situation but we know that violence is a deal breaker, caregivers are almost always stressed. The patient should be checked for medical issues.
Taking action is necessary. I’m sure you didn’t want to hear what your SIL had to say but I’m glad she had you to confide in.
HOWEVER in any situation that implies bodily harm sister needs to call 911 at once. When the EMTs arrive she should say she was attacked and is in fear for her life or for injury to self; that she needs him taken to ER for evaluation. I think she should NOT accompany the ambulance. That will see them piling him back into a cab with her and sending both home. She should stay by her phone and demand he be admitted to neuro-psyc for evaluation, and communicate with social services.
You may be looking at a situation where it isn't safe for bro to remain home; he may need memory care of other placement. I am so sorry. This has to be terribly distressing for all involved. I hope you'll update us.
she needs to contact his doctor and explain
if it’s a medical issue then get it treated if not I’m sure the doctor has come across this before and should gave where to refer her to
The lines been drawn
The best thing for them both now would be placement in a memory care facility.
The main problem when violence starts is denial. We don't want to believe it is happening because then we should do something about it. We cannot understand how a mild-mannered loved one could turn on us and try to cause us harm. We think it's only temporary, as in "He only has a little bit of dementia, he'll be okay tomorrow." We think we can cope because we can't admit that we've failed at the Happy Happy Home Caregiving that we've been promised in countless articles and books that encouraged us to care for our Lovey Lovey Loved Ones in their home until they day they die (or we do, which might be before them due to the strain of it all).
It's a huge mind switch that SIL and everyone in this situation must make in order to provide the best care for the violent loved one and to save ourselves. Some caregivers aren't that flexible. They've promised Mumsy they'll never place her in One Of Those Horrible Places. Or Hubby that she'll change his diapers until the day he dies, even though eventually he's slinging those poopy diapers at HER.
Those who become violent can't help it. It is part of the disease. But no caregiver is required to endure abusive behavior. We ARE required to find a place where professionals trained in the proper techniques can provide the care our loved ones need. No home caregiver - unless professionally trained and experienced - can come near providing the care that an institution provides. And that is the difficult but honest truth.
If at ANY time she is afraid for her safety she HAS to call 911.
If you are there and you experience his rage YOU need to call 911.
The big problem is if his anger can not be controlled she may find it difficult to place him. Most facilities have a policy of no violent episodes for sometimes as long as 90 days.
As others have suggested, she needs to call 911 the very next time he gets aggressive (whether or not he hits her). At the ER they will hopefully 5150 admit him. She needs to make it clear he is an unsafe discharge and refuse to take him home. Ask to talk to the hospital social worker regarding direct transition into a facility.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-do-i-do-when-i-am-living-with-someone-with-dementia-and-have-to-lock-my-bedroom-door-at-night-f-497201.htm