I have had my dad living with me for about 6 months. I work full-time and am a single mom of 2 boys, ages 11 and 13. My dad has become verbally abusive to my boys and me. I can handle it, but as a mom, I am pushed to my limit. My boys are not perfect; they are 11 and 13, but they are good boys. I have spoken to my dad about this issue multiple times, and he doesn't change. I must protect my boys, and I have come to the conclusion that he needs to live elsewhere. I told him this week that it wasn't working out and why. He refuses to leave or even try to look for another place to live. It isn't about money; he can afford to live in an assisted living facility. I don't know what to do. My siblings have all washed their hands of him and any responsibility. I am totally alone in this. I am the youngest and have been doing everything for him for the last couple of years. Now I am at a loss and don't know what to do.
You know what to do… evict him. It’s just hard to do.
Does he have any medical diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment?
If he's on his own do you honestly think he can manage his affairs without you help?
Most importantly, is anyone his PoA?
A PoA whose authority is active would be able to get him into AL or out of the house. He doesn't need to agree to it.
One strategy is the next time he is verbally abusive to you, you call 911 and tell them he is being threatening and acting out of character. Try to get them to take him to ther ER to test for a UTI or some other cause of his agitation. If he has an active PoA then he can be transitioned directly into a facility.
If he doesn't have a PoA or diagnosis of impairment...
You will need to go through the eviction process, which varies by state but is basically you go down to your county govt center and ask for the form. There is a fee, in my state it is $350-ish. You post the eviction notice on the door of his room (or wherever the form specifies) for a time (usually 30 days). At the end of those 30 days if he doesn't leave voluntarily or becomes verbally abuse again, call 911 or the non-emergency number, and ask to have him escorted off your property. You will need to find alternate housing for him in advance.
More information would be helpful.
Is he getting mail at your place, or does he have a PO box or something? You may need to give him a written eviction notice so he can't claim that you're just freaking out and barring him from his legal residence.
If you're living at his place, which unfortunately it sounds like isn't the case, you have to move out.
I wanted to point out that of course verbal abuse of your boys is abuse, but so is having to put up with watching someone abuse their mom. When your kids grow up they won't treat themselves with the kindness and respect the way you treat them, they'll put up with whatever they saw you put up with. That's how so many daughters of abusive dads end up dating and marrying abusive men. Show them the way to respect themselves and they will follow.
Once in my house, he would have a tantrum whenever I'd mention his laziness, leaving his mess, not doing his laundry, or anything he needed to be doing besides expecting to be waited on constantly and watching TV.
I know that feeling of being at a loss and no idea what to do. Once you let them in, they change overnight. If I dared to complain, he would call me a "Fat Bi**h" and scream at me "I own half this house!" when we were divorced in 1995 and I got the house. I called the police several times when he'd ramp his bully behavior up to have them remove him to a nearby motel. Being single 20 years I was stronger and refuse to tolerate his crap. It was still extremely stressful and I had high blood pressure already.
Meanwhile I searched for places he could afford, and found none. I found a great Senior apt. building 3 miles away, I called and one had opened, so I flew down there with a deposit!
Within 2 weeks, he was finally out. He had me so stressed out I was on the verge of a heart attack. I totally get how stressful it is having a combative Senior Brat under your roof. My blood pressure dropped from 160 to 125.
You have to start the eviction process. You can go on line and find instructions. You get a form to fill out, turn it in, get a hearing date set and tape a copy on his door. On the form, be sure to say 3 key issues:
1. You have 2 boys to raise and Dad is verbally abusive to all 3 of you.
2. He refuses to leave your home after being asked nicely to move.
3. Dad has enough money to afford a place.
Complete the form and file it at the Courthouse. You'll get a hearing date, and go to the hearing to get signed by the Judge. If Dad refuses to attend, you automatically win. Dad will have 30 days to leave. The police will escort him out if he's not moved in 30 days. Do it now, before months turn into YEARS. You don't want your boys having abusive Dad as a role model.
My Ex totally changed once he had his own place! He turned respectful overnight. It was a miracle. Don't feel guilty, your responsibility is to your boys. You don't need to help your Dad, especially if he is abusive, combative and ungrateful for your help. Do not tolerate his behavior, period.
You can do this!
I don't know how you force him to leave. You may need to get the help of an attorney and have him legally evicted. I really don't know much about the laws of removing a family member from your home after you have invited them in. Other than what I've seen on Judge Judy. And, on a new TV show called "Squatters".
It seems once someone has invaded your home, they have more rights than you, and it takes some persistence to get them out.
Continue to sternly tell your dad he is NOT WELCOME any longer and convince him he must move before you take legal action. Make sure you make it uncomfortable for him to stay. Don't make it easy for him.
You say he refuses to look for another place to live. That may be a daunting task for him, but you could take charge of finding a suitable assisted living facility for him, and facilitate the move. He might be someone who just needs you to hold his hand and make all the arrangements. Believe me, I have been in relationships with men who simply take no action. They wait for someone else to do it for them. If he's that kind of guy, just take charge of his move and make it happen.
I would call APS. Ask if they can help you in any way. This is not fair to your children to live like this.
You need to do everything you can to get your father to go to assisted living. I say this because my father was verbally abusive ( still is sometimes) to me during my childhood and also to my mom who passed away in 2002. When my daughter was born and as she got older, he treated her the same way. His verbal abuse affected my mental health and hers. Please get your children away from him before he damages their mental health and you need to protect your mental health as well. Maybe when he sees that he no longer has access to you or your sons, he might change. My dad is in a care facility now and often reflects on his wrong doings. I wish you the best and lots of prayers.