Warning triggering: He is 78 used to to be a supervisor. He has dementia. He says I am dumb and can't do anything alone. I must be supervised . He needs to make sure I am bathing correctly. The whole neighborhood heard him yelling about it and looks at me sideways. He literally stands on top of me and won't move. He refuses to move. He almost runs me down when he is walking. He runs into people at the store and has even banned banned. I lock the bathroom door he breaks in because I need supervised. It makes me feel violated. He literally would not leave. He says he has to supervise the entire bath. I am middle aged. I shut the shower door and he put his foot there and said I hurt him. I told him I don't care if he pees but stop watching me shower and bathe because it's weird and scares me. I am thinking of getting a gym membership to take a shower and relax. He threw a fit saying I am not allowed. Has anyone else had this happen? I am middle aged I need to bathe alone!
Never allow a 'shadowing' habit to form, but if one does you have to break the person out of it. If you need to put a damn deadbolt lock on the bathroon door that only you have a key for to keep him out of there when you're using it, do that. If you have to do the same for your bedroom door (or his) do that too. From what you say here, your father is still strong and mobile. Carry pepper spray on your person. Your safety must be your top priority. Tell the neighbors to call the police when he's yelling and screaming. When he's ranting and raving, you call the police. Tell them you are in genuine fear for your life (which seems true here) and that he's threatening to hurt you and himself. They will take him for up to a 72-hour psych/hold evaluation. When he is at the hospital ask to speak to a social worker and tell them what's going on and that he's an unsafe discharge. That if they release him back to the home you will leave and he will be dangerously on his own. This will get the ball rolling for placement to happen.
It's time for your father to go into a memory care facility, or to start being strongly medicated. Also, it is not for him to "allow" anything. He has dementia and is not in his right mind. You don't tell him ANYTHING you're doing or planning to do. He doesn't call the shots and isn't making the decisions anymore because he's out-of-it. If you can stay with friends or family go today. Even if you have to go to a shelter temporarily, go if you have to. You're in danger and YOUR safety needs to be your first priority, not his. Make a call to APS and tell them you're leaving and there's no one to care for him.
No one has to live like this and you certainly shouldn't have to. Enough is enough.
Yes. I would get a gym membership for you to have an outlet and to shower.
Please tell me you dad is no longer driving.
Do you really think the person who must allow their demented father to 'supervise' them showering is really going to stand up to their parent and prevent him from driving?
Other people are likely in danger from him as well. Since he's been banned from the store for running into people, it's recognized that he is a danger to others. What if he mows somebody down? And they have injuries? Or knocks over a child? Are you prepared to deal with charges of assault on his behalf? No judge is going to say, "Oh, he's a nice old guy with dementia, he didn't mean any harm. He can go home now."
Today get a lock on your bedroom door and the bathroom door. Don't underestimate his ability to figure out how to open it. Make sure it's secure.
This is serious business. Please don't think otherwise. Good luck with doing what you have to do.
He's beyond behavioral techniques. I find that if a person has an aggressive personality type the behavioral techniques do not work even when they don't have dementia. For example, when my mother wants to engage in some abusive behavior (always targeted at me since I was a child) there is nothing that would stop her or divert her attention elsewhere. She is a person who cannot be satisfied unless she knows you're completely broken down and she sees the tears. This makes her feel powerful. Then she'll try to make the peace. Once when I was a teenager she didn't see the tears and didn't get the chance to make the peace. She saw the fist instead and I walked away. I stayed away until coming back a few years ago for a bit. That was a disaster and lesson learned.
Alex's father is not going to be dissuaded by any behavior techniques. He's a sexual predator. Whether or not it's dementia-related really doesn't matter at this point. He has to see the nudity and enjoys the humiliation of Alex being 'supervised' in the shower because it makes him feel powerful. There's only one way to stop that.
Medicate him to the point where he can't be a menace in any way. (I would suggest Alex get medications from his doctor in liquid form that can be put into his food and drink without his knowledge). This is what they will do with him in a memory care facility. They certainly aren't going to allow him to supervise people showering. Not happening. They will drug him. Alex should be drugging him too.
You either need a caregiver to help you as well as give you a break so you can have some of your privacy.
You also should put a deadbolt on your bedroom door. another lock on the bathroom door will not do much since most of them can be ripped off if he forces the door open. You could try a keyed lock on the bathroom door that is a bit more sturdy than a typical bathroom or bedroom door lock.
You also need to start looking into facilities for your dad. This type of behavior begins to escalate and can become difficult to manage.
I am curious if your dad did this type of thing before the dementia, maybe not at home but what did he do at work (that maybe the family was unaware of)
Also where is mom? Is she at home? or has she died?
And the other big questions...
Are you POA? or Guardian? Who makes the medical and financial decisions? Are you working? have a family of your own?
If you can't move out contact Adult Protective Services.
It's time for a memory care facility. Whether or not the 'changes' in sexual behavior are due to dementia or not, the OP (Alex) is still living with being violated and sexually abused (forced to have father 'supervising' showers and bathroom time). It is for a memory care facility to figure out how to drug and control him in the long term. In the short term, he should be brought to a hospital ER and a 'Social Admit' asked for. Then Alex should just walk away. Their social work department will admit him and find facility placement.
"He threw a fit and said I am not allowed" - Dad does not have a say in what you are allowed to do. In fact, it is probably not wise to share personal stuff with him.
You need to take charge and manage the situation so that his needs and your needs are met. Obviously you living with him and looking after him is not working. Personally i think that it is past the point where you two can share a home. I think he needs to be in a facility.
Tell his doctor what is happening and get an evaluation for his placement. Meanwhile look after yourself. That's your primary job. His behaviours will only get worse and you need protection. You are the one who has to provide that for yourself.
This is not a healthy or safe living situation for you.