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-I’m an only child after my sister unexpectedly passed away 5 years ago-Mother is 77 and has health issues like RA, beginning Parkinson’s, anxiety and fibromyalgia.-She has fallen in the past-The neighbors she’s close to are all passing away-Money is not an issue. My parents are well fixed and my mother has excellent health coverage. -Husband and I are childless-Husband works rotating shifts-I don’t work outside the home anymore-Mother is still relatively independent able to drive, care for self, etc.

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First, thank you to everyone who gave their heartfelt answers about their experiences as well as regards about my father.
I’ve read every one. The time you took to answer me touches my heart.
My mother and I get along relatively well. We’re both redheads so convos can get interesting to say the least. My husband loves her and probably gets along better with her than I do at times! We don’t wish for her to live with us. My dad hasn’t been in the best of health probably the past 8 years and we’ve helped in his caregiving, frequently driving the next state over to help them. I’ve stayed with my parents routinely a week every month for about 3 years to assist them, which I value that time spent with them esp daddy. My former profession was in healthcare, which I happily gave up to be with them 3 years ago. That’s extra time we’ve had together.
After reading all the responses, I told Mother that I will do right by her and not abandon her. That maybe we can move her to where we live and go look at independent living facilities or patio homes after the dust settles. She was receptive and started ticking off a list of needs for her new place.
It was a brief but necessary talk yielding a good first start.
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PeggySue2020 Mar 10, 2025
Does mom have the money to move immediately into IL or does that depend on selling her house? If the latter, mom might have to live with you until all this is situated.
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Read around this site, many people have done what you are stating, and it did not work, you will be giving up your life and quite possibly your marriage.

If she has money she can move into assisted living, be with ppl her own age, activities and not be alone.

My advice? Don't do it!
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Assisted Living will be a much better social outlet for mom, offering her meals, her own apartment, entertainment, outings, help as needed, and most of all, autonomy which is very important in life. You can visit her and remain a daughter instead of a burned out and resentful caregiver. I'd also speak to her PCP about antidepressants. Anxiety doesn't normally disappear on its own and tends to snowball and cloud thinking, making mom feel needy and helpless.

Best of luck.
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I’m sorry for the impending loss of your father. I’d agree it’s likely a good idea for mom to move at some point relatively soon after the loss. As to where to move, I’ve cited here before my dad’s oft repeated rule of his own making. He’d not let any of his adult children live with him nor would he live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. The experiences often seen here sure seem to bear that out
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Don't do it. Don't move your mother into your house. My friend, I was a homecare worker for 25 years. I've seen every famaily dynamic there is. You don't go to a job every day so here's what is going to happen. Your mother is going to expect you to become her entertainment 24/7 and she'll hijack your social life. If you and your husband like your life how it is, don't move her in. The two of you will not get a moment without her.

You say your mother is still pretty independent and has money. That's the winning combination right there. Find her a nice, upscale retirement community/AL. She'll get plenty of entertainment and socialization while also getting assistance. She'll be around other active seniors and if she's at all a social person she will be enjoying the good life.

Please look into some places.
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My husband and I took in my mom when my step-dad passed away She was 70 at the time.
Before you make this decision, ask yourself these questions: How was your relationship with your mother growing up? If it was dysfunctional, it doesnt get better. Are you prepared to share your household with another adult woman? Trying to give unsolicited advice when your cooking, cleaning, etc. How will you split the bills? Will she be cooking for herself? How does your spouse feel about her moving in? And when she no longer drives;How will she get to her appointments when she isnt mentally or physically capable of taking care of herself? Nursing care? So many questions.
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Hospice grief counselors recommend that no one make a major life change for at least a year.
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Use her money to get her moved close to you, but not in your house. Senior housing, assisted living, whatever level you believe she needs. Sometimes different generations don't mix well living together, but enjoy each other's company on a regular basis. Find a way to make sure that basis is as much up to you as it is to her. Can you foresee her wanting to control the kitchen? How the house is kept? Whether or not you have company or parties? I lived with my mom for a little over 4 years (a bit different than your mom moving in with you). My own house was in the neighborhood for the other years I was her primary caregiver. Even though she had Alzheimer's it was her way or the highway in her house. Back at my own house I could manage the other caregivers and when I was off duty I got to go home to my own colors, decor, music, and schedule. I was still teaching, so that's also different than your situation, but there is still a lot to consider for you. Meanwhile, I'm very sorry you are losing your father. Take care and give the issue with your mom some time. No rash decisions while deeply in mourning.
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What do you want to do? What does your husband want to do?

Are you considering this because you and your husband honestly want your mother to live with you, or because she asked and you feel obligated?
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Move her near you but not in with you. It will completely change your life. She will become the focus of your life, do you really want to live like that?
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