-I’m an only child after my sister unexpectedly passed away 5 years ago-Mother is 77 and has health issues like RA, beginning Parkinson’s, anxiety and fibromyalgia.-She has fallen in the past-The neighbors she’s close to are all passing away-Money is not an issue. My parents are well fixed and my mother has excellent health coverage. -Husband and I are childless-Husband works rotating shifts-I don’t work outside the home anymore-Mother is still relatively independent able to drive, care for self, etc.
I believe in tough love. When she tries the manipulation tell her this is exactly why you don't want to live together. Right now you are the Queen of your home, she moves in and you will be demoted to serf.
Thank you for updating us. I have thought of you and you dilemma.
But I see you sliding in sympathy, and the sympathy slide is a long one, slow and has an inexorably certain DOWNWARD TRAJECTORY.
You need to stop telling mom that "she wouldn't like " this or that.
As I told you before, she is very frightened now, and she thinks she could/would put up with anything.
You need to have the courage NOW to be honest that you and hubby have talked and her moving in with you is not now, and won't be an option.
PLEASE BE BRUTALLY honest. That honesty will be little pain compared to what pain she is already feeling and what fear.
Tell her you will be there for her. Help her with moves to downsize, and for care when needed. And will spend time. Will never abandon her. BUT LIVING WITH YOU IS NOT AN OPTION for discussion or argument.
If you cannot be strong right now in this decision, and honest? You will be doomed and you will regret it every second of every day, imho.
Do not change your life for Mom. You will become her fulltime caregiver with the health problems she has. She needs to sell her home and go to an Assisted Living. She will have a room of her own and staff to help her when needed. Socialization and activities.
Right now, your job is to take care of you. Call mom's doctor and let her/him know what's going on with mom. It sounds like a check up is in order.
Neither one of you should make any big decisions right now, especially since money isn't the issue. (((Hugs))).
It isn't the right time take such important and drastic change. To many emotions to make a rational decision that is best for you.
How far of a distance do you live from your mother? Is it possible for her to live their for a bit? I would validate her grief and also stress that because you are also grieving that you can't make the decision. You need to work through the grief process.
If your mother is determined to leave her current house then you can take such and such a day to help her view potential living facilities for seniors.
If she exhibits qualities of giving up if she doesn't get her way or geief is taking a toll on her mental wellbeing contact her primary care doctor or call APS to help find services for her.
Wishing you strength and peace during this difficult and emotional time.
Saying she wants to sit and give up her life and join your deceased father is a common reaction after the death of a beloved spouse. Let her have her feelings of mourning and grief. It will take time. But don't let her feelings manipulate you into something that you will all regret in the end.
Does your mother know how to handle the finances, or did your father always take care of those? If she is in the dark about them, the thought of spending the money on a new place might be intimidating to her. In any case, any major decision about moving (or not moving) should wait for a while until she adjusts to her new reality.
My condolences to you on the loss of your father. I'm glad you were able to honor him with the beautiful and regal military funeral.
Mother has once again mentioned moving in with us. I told her she wouldn’t like where we live out in the woods with animals, losing power every now and then, my husband wouldn’t be able to run around in the buff and my music that I play (piano, violin) is already getting on her nerves.
She will need to sell her house to initially help fund a new home or transition care facility. But she said today she doesn’t want to spend the money.
i mentioned to my husband secretly we could find a home with a MIL suite separate from us but my heart isn’t into it. The last 2 weeks she was on mine and my aunts case. We couldn’t do anything right. We tried to just shut up. It wasn’t until I have tracheobronchitis that she realized that I had been running myself ragged related to daddy the past 6-7 weeks. So mother finally softened.
This evening she said she everyone is leaving her and she thinks she’ll just sit in her chair, not eat, starve herself to death and join daddy. I’m just too sick with the bronchitis right now and grieving myself to show too much empathy. I don’t know if she’s ventilating (which I understand this) or is serious.
I have heard story after story of elderly people married for many many years dying within a relatively short period of time from one another.
i just don’t know what to do.
May The Lord lead, guide and direct you during this difficult time, may HE give all of you grieving mercies, strength, wisdom and comfort.
Please do not let moms reaction and grief cause you to do anything you will regret.
Time does help and she should not do anything for at least 6 months, a year would be better. This will give everyone time to lead with their heads and not their hearts.
I think that your mom is going to need lots of care with the medical issues she has, so she should be where she can get good medical care, this is something that should be considered in whatever plan .
I pray you feel better and that you don't cave to her manipulation.
This is not an employment site for caregivers. I own a homecare business and I don't solicit among this group for new clients.
If you & mom are in the same city, then no change for her doctors & clinics. Whew! But if this move means a new city, start to figure out now who her new docs are to hopefully be and ASAP. If where she is considering to move into into has an affiliation with a specific health system or HMO or MCO, if it’s done on a system of its a NP who sees residents once a month that may not at all work for her. So see if mom can get the same type of docs, clinics and services she’s currently receiving. Clearly look into if her current health insurance will work as it has in the past once she is in a new zip code. Like call around before moving her into her new place. Finding a board certified MD rheumatologist can be difficult in a lot of areas of the US with months of waiting times for new patients. Ditto for neurologists for her Parkinson’s. Your mom’s care plan is complex, it may be that you just end up driving her to see her old docs for a bit till she can get in with new specialists.
I’ve read every one. The time you took to answer me touches my heart.
My mother and I get along relatively well. We’re both redheads so convos can get interesting to say the least. My husband loves her and probably gets along better with her than I do at times! We don’t wish for her to live with us. My dad hasn’t been in the best of health probably the past 8 years and we’ve helped in his caregiving, frequently driving the next state over to help them. I’ve stayed with my parents routinely a week every month for about 3 years to assist them, which I value that time spent with them esp daddy. My former profession was in healthcare, which I happily gave up to be with them 3 years ago. That’s extra time we’ve had together.
After reading all the responses, I told Mother that I will do right by her and not abandon her. That maybe we can move her to where we live and go look at independent living facilities or patio homes after the dust settles. She was receptive and started ticking off a list of needs for her new place.
It was a brief but necessary talk yielding a good first start.
Before you make this decision, ask yourself these questions: How was your relationship with your mother growing up? If it was dysfunctional, it doesnt get better. Are you prepared to share your household with another adult woman? Trying to give unsolicited advice when your cooking, cleaning, etc. How will you split the bills? Will she be cooking for herself? How does your spouse feel about her moving in? And when she no longer drives;How will she get to her appointments when she isnt mentally or physically capable of taking care of herself? Nursing care? So many questions.
You and your husband will live to regret it if you chose to allow her to move in with you. I don't know how long you've been on this forum, but if you read a lot of the posts here, you will read about a lot of good folks like you who had good intentions that then turned into a pure nightmare after allowing a parent to move in with them.
Instead, help your mother look for a nice assisted living facility near you where she will be around folks her own age and have opportunities for lots of activities and where you can remain just being her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed and stressed out caregiver.
I wish you well in finding your mother the right facility, and I'm sorry that you will soon be losing your dad.
You say your mother is still pretty independent and has money. That's the winning combination right there. Find her a nice, upscale retirement community/AL. She'll get plenty of entertainment and socialization while also getting assistance. She'll be around other active seniors and if she's at all a social person she will be enjoying the good life.
Please look into some places.
If mom is a calm, quiet, sweet natured person that your DH loves and cares for, it could work.
However, this scenario is fraught with difficulties.
You don't have children, so you're used to life being you and DH and that's it. Suddenly having someone who needs you 24/7 will alter that dynamic. Far more than you'd think.
If money is not an issue--I would check into ALF's--the one they put my MIL in was lovely and I know had she checked into is 5 years before she did, we all would have felt better and she would have adapted.
As it turns out, when the kids moved her, she thought they had moved her to a NICER Alf. She has been living at home and on Hospice. She THOUGHT she was in a facility all that time and commented that the 'new one' was so much nicer than the "OLD one" which was her actual home.
I think her last years would have been so much easier on everyone if she had been placed much, much earlier.
If she is physically in your home, you will slowly, but surely slide into the role of FT CG. If that's what you want, then go ahead.
Now that everyone’s had a year to think about it as hospice recommends, everyone is happier with how it turned out.
Contrast that to what you and your husband will have to endure if you move her in with you. If you've never been a caregiver before, you have NO IDEA what you're in for. It's a steep learning curve. Your privacy will be GONE, vacations won't happen, and your friends will drop you because they aren't interested in mom's problems and aches and pains, which will be all you have to talk about anymore. You'll be doling out meds several times a day, she won't understand a lot of things that you insist on (like using a walker), that ramps up her anxiety, you'll keep trying, she'll be unhappy, your husband will resent that you're not available to him and on and on.
If she's in a continuum of care facility, you'll be spared the miseries of being a caregiver who eventually realizes that you hate your life because the problems never quit, mom is now so very sick and you can't give up on her, and you haven't been out to dinner with your husband for a year because MOM WON'T LET ANYONE ELSE STAY WITH HER. Read posts on this site. May they dissuade you from making a huge mistake.
Best of luck.
Best of luck.
I think it is selfish, though I fully understand her terror now she is facing the loss of the one she loves. I am 82, my partner is 84 and yes, I am terrified at the thought of the loss of him that I hope against hope I can go first. That's something we cannot predict.
I would say this all depends upon what YOU want for your life. Do you want for the next 1-2 decades to spend it giving care to someone quite ill and on a downward trajectory? Does your husband? So #1. is the discussion together of what you want for your life, and to get it set in your own mind what you are willing to do or to try.
I would myself be honest with my mother. I would say the following:
"Mom, I understand there are so many things involved in the terror you must feel with the thoughts of loss of Dad. I want you to know that we will BE HERE to help you through. But John and I have our own lives. This is the some of the best, most free years of our life. Retirement and travel and doing things together. You and Dad have lived your lives, and we want now to love our own lives, alone together. I know what a comfort it would be for you to be with us, or that's your thought now, but it would move us from being your loving children to your bossy caregivers, people frustrated that they cannot live their lives. You don't want that though it feels a comfort to you now. So we will certainly have you to the house for a bit, and see you very often when Dad dies, but we will then help you to find a place in ALF that you can enjoy, hopefully, on your own, with your own room, with others, with activities. We will be there when you need us. But living in with us isn't an option".
That would be me. She is afraid, as I say. She may be angry. She may be heartbroken. Those are option. But it would be selfish to wish for you that you jump on your Dad's burning funeral pyre, or on hers. Allow her to voice her fears. Let her know you will help her would be my advice.
You are grownups, you and hubby. Free to make your own decisions. But you will bear responsibility of those decisions. IF you do take her in, get a good care contract for shared living expenses so you can hire in folks for respite, and be certain that you have re-evaluation (every six months to a year) written into that contract. At that time the three of you sit together and decide if it is working for ALL. If not, if it isn't working for ONE, then there is the ALF explorations.
Good luck.
Your Mom has a number of health problems that will only worsen as she ages. With Parkinson's comes Dementia. I can see right now, she is going to need help bathing, dressing, toileting, etc. She may become wheelchair bound. Can u do that kind of caring. Do you want Mom with you 24/7. Will you be able to tell her you and DH that need a date night or time for her to go to her room so you have some time alone. Is Mom easy to get along with or does she like things her way. Is she demanding and intimadating?
One poster did bring Mom home after the death of her Dad, it was to be temporarily only a couple of months. Dragged on longer because Mom always had an excuse why she could not go home yet.
I am 75 in good health. If I became a widow, I would not think about asking my girls if I could move in. We have not lived together in years. Last time we lived together I was the mother making the rules, they were minors. Now we are all adults with our own lives and experiences making our own rules. Do not promise Mom anything. Think this thru. If she has the money, maybe as said, She can live in a Community where there is Independent living, Assisted Living than Longterm care. IMO, with her health problems, this would be a good place for her.
Do you want to be a caregiver for the next 5, 10, 15 or more years?
Can you manage caring for her?
Would your mom accept "outside help"?
Bigger question would YOU accept "outside help"?
If need be are you open to renovating your house to make it handicap accessible? (bonus is this will make it easier for you and your husband later on)
Truthfully I think the way to go on this is find mom a nice Continuing Care Community.
She can live independently now and take advantage of all the social activities, trips, available. As she needs more help she can easily transition to an Assisted Living apartment. And if necessary Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if and when she needs it would be available.
You would have the comfort knowing that she will be taken care of as her needs increase. You can be a daughter not a caregiver. This is not to say you will not be needed in managing her care sometimes being a care manager is just as difficult as being the caregiver.
If you do have her move in please set up aides that are paid for by her, a contract for living rents and expenses. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: keep meticulous financial records just incase she were to need higher level of care at a nursing home and keep all financial accounts separate from you and your husbands.
Go in with eyes wide open that it will not be rainbows and unicorns but hell fire and brimstone. Planning is very essential and you need to take out emotions when dealing with eldercare because the heart will not be rational.
If she has money she can move into assisted living, be with ppl her own age, activities and not be alone.
My advice? Don't do it!