My father has neuropathy and is not mobile. He cant get out of bed or out of a chair without a strong person helping him. He had a mini stroke and ended up in rehab. We are working on arrangements to allow him to stay in the skilled nursing facility indefinitely. He is 88 my mother is 76 and cannot care for him at home anymore.
Here is the problem:
He calls and begs to go home. Last month my mother broke down and took him home and for 10 days he fell every day, and they called 911 to come and pick him up every day. I live 800 miles away but even when I come visit we cant lift him.
He calls my mother every 15 minutes and asks when she is coming back to see him. Every 15 minutes. When he cant reach her he calls me and says “where is mom?” I have blocked his number and check on the blocked calls and call him back. He knows exactly what is going on, he does not have dementia. When we tell him no one can answer his calls every 15 minutes he lashes out at us and says “how do you think I feel sitting in this chair all day long!” I fly home about every month to try to cheer everyone up and help mom manage him. I have purchased video players and movies, games, crossword puzzles, music, magazines, large print books, He wont look at anything, try anything or play any games. He just wants us there to sit with him and when someone is not there he calls and calls and calls. Is this normal? What can we do? He is exhausting us and stressing everyone out. Thank you for your help. Yes, he is on Lexapro.
Unless he's had a complete neuropsych exam ( as in 3 hours of paper and pencil testing, an MRI and a neurological exam) all the docs are telling you is that he's got some basic memory and arithmetic skills.
Look, his reasoning ability sounds shot. Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist who may be able to help with meds
(clearly, just Lexapro or the disage hes at isnt sufficient) for depression and agitation.
I know I hear a lot of eldery that even at 90 are still sharp minded etc.
but in my opinion - the older they get the more chance dementia is sneaking up
my aunt who was a real character. and very smart lady. quick wit and funny. I never thought she had any dementia. but one time I went to visit, she didn't know who I was. and then I realized I was just missing the signs.
but regarding the calls. don't know how to stop. except to remove the phone. or like you are doing -
agree with prev post. see a geriatric doc
All well and good but he is dependent on nursing staff to get up. There could be times when they would get to him when they get to him.
The thing is, this obsessional repetitive behaviour sounds a heck of a lot like dementia: certainly all is not well with his ability to process thought, planning and memory, is it? And with strokes, there is often a close link to vascular dementia: different from Alzheimer's but in some ways just as challenging.
Have you and/or your mother discussed this with the SNF staff? Keeping your father comfortable, which includes keeping him free from anxiety as far as possible, is actually their responsibility. If they don't do anything to provide residents with occupation and company, perhaps it would be better to look for a facility with more emphasis on a good activities programme.
I don't see what you can do for your father from 800 miles away! And it's arguably your mother who needs help more. Encourage her to set fixed times for seeing and speaking to your father, and to feel no guilt for turning her phone off the rest of the time.
Let's face it, rehab and nursing homes are not fun and the thought of never leaving is too much for some people - working toward a goal is good motivation - dad, you need to get some strength back to help transfer from chair to bed before you can go home
His constant calling is very much a sign of dementia but if dad is used to mom always doing for him then he might have even a more difficult adjustment and she will have to try some tough love and not take all his calls - if the calls escalate late in the afternoon then it could be a sign of sundowners
If he has a neurologist then also ask for a follow up
Loss of his home, loss of mobility, loss of independence. Many times people in this type of situation know their reality and their restrictions but do not want to accept it. What types of things and activities give your dad purpose? Did he used to do wood work? Was he a locksmith? Was he a doctor? Farmer? Has he been the primary bread winner for your family his whole life. Has he slept next to your mother every night for the past 35 years. Can you imagine what suddenly that must feel like for him not being able to do so?
Your dad right now feels as though he has no purpose and likely at least at home he will feel that he has some sense of identify. You and your mom and the medical team need to come up with ideas and activities that would make your dad feel as though he has purpose and meaning. Sure you can add the diagnosis- dementia, but that is not going to resolve the issue and stop the phone calls.
Can he come home for the day 1x or 2x a month when family is around to help? Can you and your mom sit down with him and discuss what it would entail in order for him to SAFELY be at home and what the barriers would be at home that make it unsafe?
Hopefully this helps, its a different mind set and approach that needs to happen. Validating his feelings when he is saying things like you don't know what its like- a simple response would be "no dad, I do not know, help me understand." Open questions not closed.
Good luck,
I had to talk with Mom's former GP regarding the Court papers he had to submit so that I could get Guardianship/Conservator. He asked how Mom was doing in the assisted living etc (this was only the 2nd time I had ever talked with this doctor).
At the end of our conversation I told him that I lie to both Mom/step-father about why they are staying at the facility.....I tell them that this doctor placed them there and they can't go home until he allows them to go back home.
He laughed and said whatever it takes!
I tell everyone to tell them this, of course there are those who feel that they should know the truth. NO, if they suffer from Alzheimer's/dementia....LIE, LIE, LIE. They will forget and ask again.
There is a really sweet woman in this same assisted group home whom I talk with every time I'm back home. She is waiting for her Mother to come pick her up and needs to call her to find out why she hasn't been by yet.
I will tell her that I know that her Mother has called, but right now she is very busy and will get there as soon as she can. She hasn't forgotten, she's just running very late.
My step-father asked me at least a half dozen times if I was the oldest of the Fields children. That's my Mother's side of the family. I'd tell him no that I am a Rosenberry and he would say (every single time) I've heard that name before, but I don't remember why. This man was engaged to Mom, but Mom married Dad while step-father was over seas during Korean War. Mom/Dad divorced 25 yrs ago and these 2 have been married 24 yrs. I wonder why he's heard this name before!!
If Dad is living in an assisted living facility, ask them to take his phone away after he makes the 1st call. They can tell him that his phone battery has died and they are charging it and will give it back as soon as it has re-charged.
Reason why facilities don't have land lines for residents and they really don't like them having cellphones for this reason.
Really, with everything I have to do for the Court etc, I'm glad my siblings are getting these phone calls; they text me afterward and I tell them the same thing over and over about what to do.
I gave her goals, if could meet the goals I’d figure out bringing her home or to my house. She has to be able to get out of bed, dress herself, get to the bathroom and take care of her needs there. She tried for a day but needed a 2 person assist. So we reviewed with her what her needs were and how was her 80 Year Old Sister or I going to be able to care for her. It took time but she finally agreed that we could not take her home.
I would find some way not to take his calls all the time.
BTW who said he doesn't have dementia? & how long ago because if I was you I'd have him retested because it sure sounds like he is acting like spoiled child & that can be showing dementia - especially his lack of being able to see what he is doing to others because it is all 'ME, ME, ME' - the Earth orbits the Sun not him
Talk with dad's doctor first.
Make an appointment with the doctor just like a normal exam. At the end of the "exam" have the doctor tell him that he needs to be in a "rehab" facility and that he...the doctor....is writing the script to Medicare and the nurse has already made the arrangements.
Take dad back to the rehab facility etc. When dad calls just tell him he can't come home YET because Dr______won't allow it. You've have or you will call Dr_____ in the morning to find out more.
When Dad calls again, tell him that you're still waiting for the Dr to call.
Everytime my Mom or stepfather do the same thing, I've told the family to tell them that Dr_____ won't let them go home yet. They accept it and don't even realize that they are being seen by a totally different doctor.
They are becoming more comfortable and the staff is absolutely wonderful with this transition. The manager told me that it takes about 6 months for them to forget and accept this is their home now.
I also made a family photo album with a page on the opposite side telling Mom who the people are and how she's related to them.
Aalthough I'm not having the "best" relationship with my step-siblings, they saw this little photo album story book for Mom......THEY COPIED IT.
I knew they would so I made sure it was visible. They "called" me to make to let me know my step-father had a new cellphone/number and they worked in the album.
I told them that it was suggested to me by a friend to help Mom with her memory.
Keep adding small things to help him "think" he is home.