My father has dementia and has lived in MC for 1.5 years. He's been stealing LOTS of things at MC. Help!!

Your father has many typical dementia related behaviors, and there is NOTHING that he’s doing that should cause you any embarrassment.

Diagnosis of dementia means that his brain has begun to physically change in ways that disrupt his ability to think clearly and rationally, remember, and use mental tools to manage his behavior.

YOU feel that it is “wrong” to “steal” because the parts of your brain that make decisions about right and wrong are working. HIS brain no longer works in those areas.

It is VERY TYPICAL for patients in MC units to say they want to “go home”, but if taken to another place they used to live in, will not recognize it or be content with being there.

This is normal behavior, and it is NOT your job to counsel or criticize him or “get him to stop”, especially since nothing you say will be likely to have any impact on his actions.

The MC STAFF KNOWS what he is doing, and are trained to deal with it. Enjoy the time you spend with him, and stop concerning yourself about something that he is. OT responsible for and can’t change.

Remember too, whether you “gently explain” or scream or write him a letter he WILL NOT understand or respond to your communications as you want him to, because the “tools” in his brain are no longer working.

Continue to be his attentive and loving child. It is the very best thing you can do for him.

Remember, he is in MC. His mixed dementia cannot differentiate right from wrong. The right/wrong filter in his brain has been compromised by the disease. What he thinks are his are truly his in his mind. No amount of logic or persuasion will change his mind.

Cordially accept what he gives you, express your appreciation, and return it to the staff. If you can be in his room when he is napping, go thru his “possessions” and return them to the staff. It's difficult for the staff to determine who actually belongs to what. Eventually, he will grow out of this behavior.

This is VERY common. I would be surprised if some of his things are missing and could be found in another residents room waiting for their son or daughter to come visit.
When you visit thank dad very much and when you leave drop the items off at the desk.
I have a very funny story about this type of thing, I love cooking and baking. I suppose deep down in his brain my Husband remembered that. I went to pick him up where I had him for Day Care. My Husband ALWAYS wore a hat. I noticed as we were going to the car it was sitting slightly askew on his head. But I straightened it out and we got to the car, I got him in and he buckled in, I pulled onto the street he took off his hat and under the hat was the Food Section from that days paper. My Husband would shoplift at stores. It got to the point that when we got to the exit I would stop him by the security stationed at the door and I would frisk him. I would then hand over all the items I found in his pocket.
MC staff is well aware of the "shopping" that goes on. The important thing is they track down expensive and difficult to replace items like hearing aids, dentures, glasses and the like.
There are far more important things to stress about let this one go.

He is quite the Magpie who sees purpose in his surreptitious acquisitions - it sounds like an obsession that is driven by reward in his mind; no different to many game apps that keep us coming back for more - we can all be subject to similar influence.

Although I doubt you can stop it, you might try modifying the behaviour by requesting certain items and rejecting others in order to maintain the interest without the impact on hapless residents...

By all means show your displeasure with his flotsam, and then say what you really want him to get: tea towels, pens, business cards, or whatever expendable items you can substitute to make you 'truly happy'.

Reward compliance as if you won Lotto and sneer at any 'worthless' diamond rings!

In his way, your father is expressing appreciation for your support - perhaps you will come to see the real value in the gesture and not the social norms.

Bless you and your father. Please know that he can no longer recognize what he is doing is wrong - it is why he is where he is - the staff has seen it all so please don't be embarrassed by his behavior. Don't lecture him about his behavior - as he told you he "bought them" for you and your family which is what he most likely believes. VISIT his world and thank him for being so generous and thoughtful and take the items and deliver to the staff for redistribution.

Like a previous poster wrote he is kind of a magpie finding and collecting treasures that interest him - try and find the humor to the situation. And as another poster wrote what is missing from dad's room that some other magpie spied.

Just love him and accept his behavior for what it is - a part of the disease.

First and foremost, NEVER be embarrassed by a dementia patient's behavior, especially in a caregiving facility.

Sounds like you're handling it perfectly. It's super common for dementia patients to do this, and it sounds like you and his caregiving team have found a perfect solution.

Don't stress about it, the workers there have doubtlessly seen this many, many times. The fact that he's willing to gather up his "treasures" for you to return is encouraging.

Keep up the good work.

The only thing I would add to the other comments is about other visitors. Can you let them know how to deal with the bag of stuff that your father will probably give to them too? It would be genuinely embarrassing if they take it away with them!

You’ve had many wonderful responses here. The only thing I would add is to check out Teepa Snow online. She has options to meet with her and zoom sessions you can join online that will help you understand dad’s dementia even better. I did a private zoom with a Teepa Snow rep, and also participated in “Ask Teepa Anything.” Both we’re tremendously helpful. Lead caregivers at your dad’s place can also participate if you want that. How sweet that dad is comfortable giving his “stash” to you! Some dementia patients would NOT want to part with it. It may be his way to try to “thank” you for all you are doing for him.

If you have a social coordinator at dad’s memory care, chat with them about creating a “store” that could be set up with donated or charity items that dad tends to be drawn to for the dementia residents to visit and chose items from. This might help reduce his tendency to take from rooms. The items could be retuned to the “store” weekly after you see dad, and with repetition, dad may understand where the store is and return there instead of going to rooms.

I have a device that permits me to see and speak with my wife in her room. One day I called in to her in the hope that she was in her room so we could talk. One of the residents on seeing the door open walked right in and started rifling through my wife's nightstand. Lesson learned. Nothing of value is kept in her room now. No cell phone, no iPad, absolutely no jewelry, and I've taken her wedding bands also. What does end up floating from room to room are cards, newspapers and magazines. My wife's room is just off of the main activity room, and residents have even gone into her room and sat in her chair to read her newspaper - oh, and yes, they use her toilet as well. They simply think they are in their own room and have no mental filters to know the difference.

It sounds like he’s having fun getting exercise, mental challenges, and excitement. He has found joy and purpose for himself in his community.

The reason this upsets you is he is not acting like himself. We are all going through this, as our loved ones change.

Others visit their loved ones (with similar challenges) to find them slumped and listless in a chair (likely drugged?) or even tethered to a bed with restraints, in physical discomfort and unable to move. It sounds like your dad’s home and nurses are wonderful!

Try your hardest to accept him as he is. No one is judging him. Dont let his behavior frustrate you. Don’t let this cloud your love for him or embarrass you. As long as this doesn’t pose a problem to the staff or other residents, don’t let it pose a problem for you.

It’s a good thing he is in memory care, no one could care for him at home.

I know someone in memory care who hides her things (even her glasses) in other people’s rooms and closets. She would gladly hide her things among your dad’s looted treasures and she would think that was great fun.

It is common place for them to pick up things that are not theirs.  No point in reprimanding him or trying to reason with him.  I promise you he is not the only one doing it at his facility.  It is part of the disease.  I found some family photos that mom has taken from someone's room and hidden in between the cushions of her chair.  I just slid them into my purse and gave them to the nurse on my way out.  Your dads newly found "clepto" ways are no reflection of his character or yours.  Accept his gifts graciously and hand them back to the staff after your visit.

When I visit mom, I can't lay anything down or she is picking it up....my keys, cell phone. sunglasses, purse, etc...  You just have to laugh it off....and keep an eye on your things! LOL

My mom does the same thing in MC and so do many of the other residents. They have a lock on the closet door and the bathroom cabinets to minimize the loss. The room doors lock too, but most residents, including Mom are not able to complete the task of locking and unlocking their door. I have walked into Mom's room to see other residents using her toilet and sitting in her room. It is common and an understood part of MC. I have found it better to collect the "stolen" items while Mom is distracted. I often go in her room and assess before I see her. She is almost always in the common area. I then return the items to the staff. I usually carry a bag with me. When she tries to give me items, I take them and thank her for them. No one is looking at your father as a thief. So, do not feel embarrassed for him. I did initially, but soon saw it was not just my mom. Also, I often notice items that are missing from HER room. Most of the time, these items reappear on a later visit.

Dementia behavior is unpredictable. However one day an old behavior will stop and new one will replace it. I think you are and have the best you can with his stealing. The bottom line is that you just have to wait it out.

My mother did the same thing. She was like a very young child who has no sense of "ownership." It's a symptom of the dementia, and I think there is nothing else you can do, other than return things to their owners. The staff is probably very used to this. You have to accept people with dementia as they are. Try not to be embarrassed about your father, be forgiving. Try to do fun things and enjoy your visits with him. As he passes to another stage of this sad disease, his behavior might change.

Don't think of it as stealing. It is not. It is a symptom of his disease and his reality is that these are his things. Many elderly with dementia exhibit this behavior.

Staff knows where to go hunting if something important is missing.

The staff at the facility your father is in see this behavior every day. In fact they don't see a day where residents aren't stealing things or claiming to have been robbed. This is normal in a memory care facility.
Families make sure there isn't anything valuable which isn't easily replaced in their family member's room because the stealing among residents is so common.
I am however surprised that your father is able to fill up bags full of stolen items. That's excessive and the staff should be keeping a better eye on him during the day.
Elderly people stealing or claiming to have been stolen from is common with every kind of dementia and even when they don't have it. I can't tell you how many elderly clients I've worked for and even my own mother who didn't have dementia, but if they misplaced something would proclaim that someone took it. Your father's stealing is nothing that the staff at his memory care facility and every other facility around the world doesn't see every single day. So don't be embarrassed by it and don't be worried.
Some people believe the best approach is to just accept the stolen items and return them to whoever they belong to or to the staff.
I never took that approach. Whenever a resident at the facility I worked for would try to give me something I knew was stolen from another resident, I would not accept it. Not unkindly I would tell them that the item is not theirs to give and to stay out of other people's rooms. When residents would flood my office during the day claiming to have been robbed by other residents, I'd tell them someone will look into it.
Facility staff gets to know their residents and who does what. We had a woman in the facility whose family used to make sure she always had a supply of those soft butterscotch candies because she loved them. She'd try to give them out to all the aides and residents and staff members. Then she'd claim that some resident stole her candy. We never fussed about it. The staff at your father's facility doesn't either.

the answer is yes. even though my dad (who had dementia and in NH for 6 years) never took anything, his roommate did. i took in a type of board that I put pictures on and set it up on his dresser so he could see it. one day i visited and it was sitting behind the dresser with all pictures gone. i said something to one of the nurses and low/behold.....the room mate had them in his photo album (he was not in the room at the time), i identified each one and then I took them home and just didn't bother cause I don't think my dad at that time even looked at them very much. i put up a red/white/blue star on their door since they were both veterans. Don't feel embarrassed as the staff knows this is normal behavior. and don't bother saying anything to your father because he will NOT understand. just take what he gives you and drop off at nurses station like you have been doing. And you might even ask your dad "do you have anything else that I might like" and then do the same thing. eventually he will stop doing it. it will stop on its own. wishing you luck.

My mom liked to sort through her closet and desk and get rid of anything that didn't seem familiar. Her caregivers and I basically trained her to "see if Patti wants it" before she threw things out or gave them to someone else. I would sneak in and resupply them so she would have something to do.
Your dad is already giving the items to you, so that's a win. The staff seems fine with the weekly emptying of his closet, but if they wanted to retrieve things more often, could they suggest they were getting a package together for you and ask if he had anything to give you?
I think you probably ought to thank him for the things, and encourage him to give them to you. If he found someone else to give them to, (like a possessive resident), that might be worse.
It is a phase, and will go away eventually.

Don't be disturbed and embarrassed by his behaviour. Just be resigned to it, and continue to return the "wandered" items. Also, the reason you do not find *everybody's* lost property in your father's room is that he will be by no means the only resident who goes out collecting.

This is a feature of dementia. We can speculate about why, about what's going through people's minds - feeling lost and disoriented, seeing something that looks familiar in some way, wanting to hang on to it, believing that it fits into your possessions - but you can be quite sure it is nothing to do with moral failings.

Continue to explain to your father that stealing is wrong if you enjoy wasting your breath and straining your temper. He knows that stealing is wrong. He has no intention of stealing anything. At the point where he takes a thing, he believes that he needs it and has a right to it.

I'm also thinking about those place settings he acquires - 15-20 services = 45-80 items of cutlery. Which means either several trips over some time, or a heck of a weight he's hefting around. In either case, where's the supervision?

Your dad's behavior isn't normal but is is not unusual for somebody with poor impulse control - a consequence of vascular dementia for some people. I would suggest making sure his items are labelled and that others items are labelled with their names. Redistribution - and repatriation - of his "gifts" and "possessions" are probably the only way to handle this. I am glad you gave staff permission to "clean" his room when he is out of it. He probably won't remember the items being gone when he returns to his room.

I feel for you. There's not much you can do other than what you have been doing by returning the items to the staff to redistribute to their proper owners. At this point, his behavior has become a routine game with him and that seems to keep him enthused. Why don't you hide "items" that your father likes (candy, socks, hats, games, toys, pictures and maybe even something you like that he can gift you with?) Restrict him to finding them only in his room. Provide him pictures of these items, in advance and maybe even write clues down so that when he does find them, he knows that they are his. The treasure hunt might even be fun and challenging for him and distract him from going into other people's belongings.

After my mom had her stroke, she was in SNF with a roommate with ALZ. Because of the roommate the facility had to remove the baskets of condiments, sugar and sweetener packets, butter and jellies etc. They also had to take the straws and dose cups off the med carts because this lady was a real pack-rat. The staff would find butter pats and slices of bread in her dresser drawers, the pockets of her clothes full of napkins, straws, dose cups, etc.

In my Mom's MC unit, they refer to it as "shopping". Please let your self get over it ( said with a warm smile and a hug). It is part of the disease. That is why you never leave anything of value or sentiment there. When I visit, I sweep the room removing things, check with the staff for items I don't see, checked the clothes lost and found etc. Reminding him is futile, he can not remember/ does not understand. Forgive him and move on, it is not a battle you can win.

This is dementia.
There is "no gently explained to him that these items don't belong to him and I can give them back to the correct owners." His brain is unable to process this information.
* Have a caregiver w him 24/7 (or waking hours)
* Clear out his room and as you visit, return the items to the administrator.
It sounds to me that he needs more supervision, ASAP.
"Try" to not get upset or get emotionally triggered with this; understand it and brainstorm w/staff how to handle it.
Gena / Touch Matters

Im sure this happens to others.
You should not worry about it and you should not get upset with him for doing it.
Maybe it's done out of boredom or maybe he just wants to give you presents.
Whate error the reason, it's not his fault or yours.

Let him take the stuff and when he gives you something, act appreciative and Thank him then when you leave turn it all back in at the front desk when you leave.

If he thinks he bought it or someone gave it to him or whatever, then that is what he thinks, you ate not going to change his mind.

Pretty easy solution to let him be and thank him if he gives you something and return everything.

You are the only one making a big deal out of it.

The staff knows where to look if something is missing.

Dementia can cause a variety of behavior problems. While it is easier said than done, don't let it upset you, continue to do constructive redirect to the staff in getting items back to rightful owners. They don't understand what they are doing. I would discuss the problem with the medical doctor to see if there is a treatment option or if he/she has an explanation. Where my dad lived many of the residents were taking items from other residents, and most items were returned to proper people and the resident(s)who were taking had special medication to reduce the instances.
People with dementia have no ability to comprehend what they have done, so arguing is normal response and it is best to refrain from that situation.
My dad thought he drove a semi-truck from Edinburgh Scotland across the Atlantic via a bridge or tunnel to the USA. He didn't know how to drive a rig, but his brain said it was real.

Hi
Loralovesbread1,

From your progression of answers; it looks like you are evolving into accepting of your dad's "quirks". - Good for you!
Dare I ask you to step a little further into the unknown where we all seem to be living. Why not embrace your 'new' dad. After he is gone, this will be definitely, one of the funniest remembrances of him; that you will, hopefully, laugh about; when you tell it to others.
All the best to you

"He has been stealing things..."

Please try not to think of it as "stealing." It IS common for some with dementia to "shop" for items and take them. More often they will hide the items, so as to keep them safe. Clearly he is thinking of you and considers them lovely gifts to you. Try to see this as a sign of his love for you. Like a little child, he wants to shower you with "lovely gifts" and please you because he cares!

If you can accept that this happens and see it this way, then it may help alleviate your anxiety. He "gifts" a lot to you and you can then give it all to the staff who will try to return it to the rightful owner. This is a prime reason why staff will recommend not to have items of any value in a MC place.

"He will show me these items, proud to have given them to me. This really upsets, frustrates and confuses me."

His pride in gifting is because he cares about you and wants to shower you with things. Don't let it upset or frustrate you. He certainly isn't the only one who does this! Be so thankful he gives these to you (so you can return them through staff) and thank him for being so thoughtful and kind. While some say try to direct him to stop, which you've been attempting, it likely won't stop him and could be more negative feedback to him, making him think you don't like his gifts or him. It has nothing, really, to do with how he was before dementia (except if he previously liked to give you gifts - since he can't really go shopping, this is the alternative.) Hopefully our reassurances that this is "normal" for some who have dementia will lessen your confusion.

"I am disturbed and embarrassed by his behavior. I feel taking things from others is wrong. He sees nothing wrong with his stealing, isn't sorry about it, and thinks having these items is just fine."

No need to be disturbed or embarrassed - it happens and anyone who works in MC knows this. Of course he doesn't think it's wrong, he is just "shopping" for gifts to give to you, a sign of his love for you! Relish that (not the taking of items, but the thoughts behind it)! At some point it should stop and other behaviors may appear or he will drift back in time and forget who you are. Appreciate the thoughts behinds his "gifts" and overlook the taking of items. No amount of correction is going to change it. Take these signs of his love for you now, while you still can.

There were some in mom's MC that would go "shopping" and a few things would go missing. Eventually they might be found and returned - it depends on whether those taking the items display them or hide them. I don't think my mother ever did this, but there were items of clothing that would appear in her room. The staff assured me their laundry was done separately, but I find that hard to believe. I'd see mom wearing an outfit I'd never seen before and before we switched to disposable briefs, there were many "stretchy" type underwear in her drawer. She NEVER wore those and they didn't even fit. Also, after she passed in December, staff packed up her things as we were not allowed into MC because of the virus. I found a number of items that were NOT hers. She was in a wheelchair for about a year, so there's no way she "lifted" these items. Towels in various colors (most of hers were some shade of pink), clothing items she would never wear and wouldn't even fit her! The nurse even asked if I was coming back to pick up the lift chair in her room. We never got one for her! Those aren't cheap - why they had no idea that wasn't hers is beyond me! It's not like she put it there!

So please try not to be upset about his "shopping" and rather than trying to "correct" him, thank him profusely, give him a big hug and a kiss! He "worked hard" to get these lovely gifts for you!! Then just bring the items to staff when you are leaving. No harm, no foul.

He's bored, and stealing gives him a "adrenaline rush" and something to do

Loralovesbread1: This is quite typical behavior for someone with a disease of the brain. There is no need for you to be embarrassed as to him, it's just "shopping." You are returning the items to the staff.