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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My dad struggles with anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma and is not patient or compassionate to my mother when she is forgetful. He is her primary caretaker. I'm looking for something to teach him some communication skills.
Is your Dad receptive to being told he needs to learn how to deal with her? Maybe he's burnt out and he needs to hire aids to come in and give him a break. He can start small, just a few hours, and when he feels comfortable he can add more. It's not a failure to go this route. I've done it with a family member with no regrets.
Or, maybe he's not actually the best solution for her.
Someone with his issues may struggle to learn communication skills such as he needs to help your mother. Not everyone is suited to be a caregiver.
If you insist that this dog learn new tricks, you’re setting yourself up for a long bout of frustration. If she goes to memory care sooner rather than later, you’ll all be much better off.
Not what you asked for and maybe not what you want to read but... With your dad's problems mom may be better off if one of these 2 options are put in place. 1. Get mom into an Adult Day Program so it gives bot of them a break from each other. OR Get a caregiver in to help him if a Day Program is not available.
2. Begin to look for a facility for mom that will be able to manage her care. OR If possible Assisted Living for both of them. Dad would be able to get help with mom when he needs it and he would have activities where he could get away when he needs to. The facility should have Memory Care so when it becomes unsafe for mom to be in AL she will not have to make a major move.
If dad is not patient or compassionate no amount of reading or videos will help him.
Good suggestions below. My mom also struggles with anxiety and had a lot of childhood trauma.
When my dad got frontotemporal dementia in his 70s, my mom was in denial and at first, refused to even get him diagnosed or on calming meds. Instead she was mostly furious and would yell at him a lot and would not let him use most of the house. She also threw up her hands and refused to intervene in matters of safety like stopping him from driving until I insisted. It was a nightmare.
She refused to read any books or go to caregiver support groups in person or online. Once in a while, she would read a short article online that I sent her or I think twice in two years, she watched a short Teepa Snow or other YouTube that I sent her.
She did get a little more patient and a little better at dealing with him over the course of a few years, but of course he continued to decline. They were both very resistant to almost all of my suggestions (aides, adult daycare, facilities, cameras, Depends, Ensure, etc). It was really hard for all of us.
If I had to relive those years, I would be more decisive and insist on several things earlier than I did.
I learned pretty early on in my caregiving days that you absolutely cannot try to correct someone with dementia... You have to meet them where they are And really understand what it's like to live in their world. It's going to be difficult for your dad if he's not a patient person because caregiving for a person with dementia takes a great great deal of patience, empathy, kindness, and understanding. Not to mention fortitude. You can do your best to help your dad get educated about dementia... But honestly I don't think it's a good idea to have him be her only caregiver. If your situation warrants it, hire some additional CNAs or caregivers to help. They can take some of the burden off him and they can also help him learn from them
Assuming Mom and Dad had traditional roles he has lost his caregiver, the person who managed his home. Reversing roles at this stage is expecting too much. Try to arrange for support for both of them. Do whatever you can to relieve stress on Dad or his inability to cope may become painful for all of you.
I agree with the three comments above. My former father-in-law took care of my former mother-in-law for several years while she had Alzheimer's disease. My then husband eventually moved in with them to be their caregiver. FIL was very devoted to MIL. He also was like your father: "anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma and is not patient or compassionate to my mother when she is forgetful." Nothing would have helped him become a more patient or compassionate person. FIL accepted my ex's help and the visits of professional caregivers when MIL was receiving hospice services. FIL passed away in a hospital but he had lived at home until his final acute illness. MIL passed away at home 7 weeks later. They were both 93 years old.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Or, maybe he's not actually the best solution for her.
If you insist that this dog learn new tricks, you’re setting yourself up for a long bout of frustration. If she goes to memory care sooner rather than later, you’ll all be much better off.
I wish the best for all of you.
With your dad's problems mom may be better off if one of these 2 options are put in place.
1. Get mom into an Adult Day Program so it gives bot of them a break from each other.
OR
Get a caregiver in to help him if a Day Program is not available.
2. Begin to look for a facility for mom that will be able to manage her care.
OR
If possible Assisted Living for both of them. Dad would be able to get help with mom when he needs it and he would have activities where he could get away when he needs to. The facility should have Memory Care so when it becomes unsafe for mom to be in AL she will not have to make a major move.
If dad is not patient or compassionate no amount of reading or videos will help him.
Get mom hired help or place her in Memory Care Assisted Living.
Best of luck to you.
When my dad got frontotemporal dementia in his 70s, my mom was in denial and at first, refused to even get him diagnosed or on calming meds. Instead she was mostly furious and would yell at him a lot and would not let him use most of the house. She also threw up her hands and refused to intervene in matters of safety like stopping him from driving until I insisted. It was a nightmare.
She refused to read any books or go to caregiver support groups in person or online. Once in a while, she would read a short article online that I sent her or I think twice in two years, she watched a short Teepa Snow or other YouTube that I sent her.
She did get a little more patient and a little better at dealing with him over the course of a few years, but of course he continued to decline. They were both very resistant to almost all of my suggestions (aides, adult daycare, facilities, cameras, Depends, Ensure, etc). It was really hard for all of us.
If I had to relive those years, I would be more decisive and insist on several things earlier than I did.
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