Now my 58 year old brother in law wants to live with us. He hasn't worked for 5 years and definitely has cognitive decline. If we help him now he still has savings and hope he gets disability. Alone he isnt capable of applying for anything. If not he'll run out of $ and his social security won't be enough to live on and we would be faced with taking him in or letting him go homeless. I feel forced to accept the plan but hate the whole idea of sharing my home, husband and life. But a no from me feels like a death sentence to bil.
There are services that your BIL can apply for if he has a medical disability. I can assure you if you say no It will not be a death sentence to you BIL.
Are you being forced into saying yes by being guilted by BIL and Husband? Shame on them if they are. I would sharply reply to my husband it is time to divide assest and you live your best life with the BIL/brother.
Then you come to peace with the fact that facilities are not all horrible torture chambers people make them out to be. My MIL was in a faith-based affordable facility for 7 years, passing through AL to LTC to hospice (even during covid, which the facility handled amazingly). We don't regret one minute of her being in it.
Please do not take your BIL into your home. You, your husband and your marriage needs to be protected and made your #1 priority. Who is forcing you to accept the plan? Your husband? No is a complete sentance. Your BIL will not be homeless if you work to get him a court-appointed guardian and he will eventually qualify for Medicaid, which (together with his eventual SSI) will cover all his needs with a bit of cash left in his account at the end of every month.
My family personally had a good experience with a court-assigned guardian for my step FIL. Please don't let fear drive your decisions. Look yourself in the mirror and look at your husband and envision being 100% unhappy and burned out when you should be enjoying the last half of your lives. You'll never recover it.
Wishing you wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you defend your boundaries.
If you do end up taking him in make it for a finite amount of time and draw up a full month to month rental agreement so you will have some leverage to move him out agin. If you take him in with no legal rights to his decision making or his tenancy he will probably be yours forever.
If you feel you should consider letting him live with you, consider adding on to your home, a room with small kitchen and bathroom, so he can have his own independent space. Make rules for common living areas in your home, such as what hours or what days are acceptable. Or using brother's money to help you buy a home better suited for the extra living space he'll need.
With your brother close by, you'll be able to keep an eye on him, and if he needs help with activities of daily living, you can help him to hire an aide. If he qualifies for disability, he will automatically be put on Medicare, and may also be eligible for more benefits through Medicaid, which would pay for things like assistance with ADL's.
Whatever you do, Make Sure Your Husband is ON BOARD!
There are other solutions besides brother moving in with you or being homeless on the street, but he may need your help to get set up with the right living arrangement.
I hope you encourage your husband to help his brother to make a plan which does not disrupt your life, your household and your marriage!
First go to Social Services and see what he can get now. He could get housing, sign up for Social Security Disability, maybe Supplimental income. Food stamps.
He needs a full physical. Neurological too. 58 is young for Dementia/ALZ but not unheard of. To get disability he must have medical info.