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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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I tried adult daycare, I had to stay, he has fesrs of not seeing me, Can't remember what I said, etc. What am I going to do when I have to place him in a facility? I am 5'2" and 98 lbs.
Try to take things one at a time so you don't get overwhelmed and living with and being a caregiver to a clingy person with dementia can get overwhelming fast. You probably will have to put him in memory care at some point, but for right now you need some relief in your situation.
Have you spoken to his doctor about getting him on some anti-anxiety medication that he can be given before he goes to adult daycare or if you're going out? Lorazepam in liquid form put in some apple sauce or pudding will help prevent him from getting worked up when he's dropped off at daycare or you leave him with a caregiver at home.
If you don't plan on placing him in the near future and are going to try to keep him home for a while, you cannot allow shadowing. That has to stop. Talk to his doctor about sleeping medication for him at night. Anti-anxiety meds will also help. You have to start leaving him with other people for periods of time. He has to get used to not seeing you all the time. He may not remember new people if you bring in homecare aides for now or the staff at daycare, but these people will become familar to him. Being away from you for periods of time now will be a good thing for him if he's going to be placed in memory care.
I'm so sorry for your situation and there really is no perfect answer anyone can give you.
You can not fix this. It is unfortunate and so sad that his mind fools him. When you need to place him in a facility for full time care that you can no longer provide, you say a prayer, wish for the best, and spend as much time as you can with him there. When my husband was in a nursing home, I was still working full time. I went straight from work to his room, spent 3 or 4 hours there, and on weekends, I brought a change of clothes, and slept in the recliner in his room. It was hard. Mostly, I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping alone at night. I would spend all night thinking about him, how he was doing, and missing his company. He will have a hard time adjusting too. You are his person. He trusts you and feels comfortable when you are there. But, you can not always be there 24/7.
When that time comes, ask for medication to calm his anxiety. And, like I said, spend time with him. You no longer have to do the heavy lifting. Just spend time by his side. Make the most of your time together before that, too, ends.
Donna, you asked me how long this has been going on with my husband. The shadowing has been going on for a couple of months. The fear of losing me started a few weeks ago and is getting worse. He touches me in the middle of the night or taps me to reassure himself that I’m there. I need him to spend a week with his brother this summer and am starting to worry.
Donna, have you asked his doctor for medications to reduce his anxiety, as several people have been posting on multiple threads to you for a while? Have you started to look into memory care for him?
My Mom isn’t there yet, but I had a patient who had separation anxiety.
I lived with this patient full time. His son eventually came to stay with him 2 days a week. To help prepare him for the change, I printed out some pictures of his son and kept them around the house and pointed them out several times a day “I bet you’re happy that your son (name) will be coming to see you”.
Maybe photos of your brother could help? And for once he’s there, a photo of you and your brother together to help him link the two of you together?
My husband is going through exactly this. I left him this week for two hours with friends he’s known since childhood. I told him repeatedly that I had a meeting and would be back at noon. When I returned, they informed me he’d been very anxious and tearful about my whereabouts. When I got home, he cried tears of anxiety and joy that I had returned. And yes, he’s shadowing me during the day, almost right on top of me.
His neurologist said we can try anti anxiety meds, but they will speed up husband’s decline. I’m plan to get in-home care for a few hours a week so he gets used to one person, but we’re in the middle of a seasonal move.
Thank you very much for your answer. How long has he had it? The extreme neediness is driving me insane! It's hard to be around him. I just want to go and shut a door.
So, so hard ... Try to reassure him that you will be back .. perhaps another trusted loved one could accompany him until he is familiar with his surroundings .. just like a toddler, reassurance of your return over and over again, may assure him.
I agree that it might be time to start looking at Memory Care facilities in your area. The good ones might have waiting lists and you should get your name on them now.
My friend just started looking for memory care since her husband has been resistant to day care for 2 months now. She needs to get her life back rather than being his crutch all day long
You might want to speak with his doctor about medications and start looking now for a facility to place him in. He will adjust once he gets there most likely.
He is exhibiting a common dementia feature, called Shadowing. It's like when a baby's parent hides behind a towel the baby thinks the parent is literally gone and they can get upset. I agree that it may be time for medication.
If you end up transitioning him into a facility, you should not second-guess this solution. He will adjust.
When he needs a facility, you are going to place him in one. Period. You have to look after yourself, and you aren't really qualified to take care of him now. Start looking now for a good facility and make haste to apply.
Medications will help with his anxiety, and the aides in the facility will know how to handle it. He will be just fine. It's you I'm worried about. I hope you find a perfect place for him and get your life back ASAP.
Thank you. My family does not care whether I have a life or not. I feel imprisoned. I try to stay healthy but mental health is another issue when I feel trapped.
HIs doctor can prescribe medications that will calm his anxiety. It might take some trial and error but will be worthwhile when they get it right, so give it some time. I'm sorry you're going through this.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Have you spoken to his doctor about getting him on some anti-anxiety medication that he can be given before he goes to adult daycare or if you're going out? Lorazepam in liquid form put in some apple sauce or pudding will help prevent him from getting worked up when he's dropped off at daycare or you leave him with a caregiver at home.
If you don't plan on placing him in the near future and are going to try to keep him home for a while, you cannot allow shadowing. That has to stop. Talk to his doctor about sleeping medication for him at night. Anti-anxiety meds will also help. You have to start leaving him with other people for periods of time. He has to get used to not seeing you all the time. He may not remember new people if you bring in homecare aides for now or the staff at daycare, but these people will become familar to him. Being away from you for periods of time now will be a good thing for him if he's going to be placed in memory care.
I'm so sorry for your situation and there really is no perfect answer anyone can give you.
When you need to place him in a facility for full time care that you can no longer provide, you say a prayer, wish for the best, and spend as much time as you can with him there.
When my husband was in a nursing home, I was still working full time. I went straight from work to his room, spent 3 or 4 hours there, and on weekends, I brought a change of clothes, and slept in the recliner in his room. It was hard.
Mostly, I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping alone at night. I would spend all night thinking about him, how he was doing, and missing his company.
He will have a hard time adjusting too. You are his person. He trusts you and feels comfortable when you are there. But, you can not always be there 24/7.
When that time comes, ask for medication to calm his anxiety. And, like I said, spend time with him. You no longer have to do the heavy lifting. Just spend time by his side. Make the most of your time together before that, too, ends.
I lived with this patient full time. His son eventually came to stay with him 2 days a week. To help prepare him for the change, I printed out some pictures of his son and kept them around the house and pointed them out several times a day “I bet you’re happy that your son (name) will be coming to see you”.
Maybe photos of your brother could help? And for once he’s there, a photo of you and your brother together to help him link the two of you together?
His neurologist said we can try anti anxiety meds, but they will speed up husband’s decline. I’m plan to get in-home care for a few hours a week so he gets used to one person, but we’re in the middle of a seasonal move.
Do you have family around for support?
If you end up transitioning him into a facility, you should not second-guess this solution. He will adjust.
Medications will help with his anxiety, and the aides in the facility will know how to handle it. He will be just fine. It's you I'm worried about. I hope you find a perfect place for him and get your life back ASAP.