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Went to emergency room for stitches, phyisical therapy, neurologist, etc. I’m seeing decline on a weekly basis. Dr. says he is fine. Just aging. He is a very healthy 85. Ideas? I’m losing my patience (I’m 77). Help?
Find another doctor. A geriatric specialist will know how to deal with the symptoms you're describing. Start keeping a record of what you see and when - photos and videos on your phone as well as a list of what husband does and when. Provide this info to the new doctor.
Aricept and Memantine are two of the drugs that can be tried, and you should ask the geriatric specialist about them. Good luck in finding the help your husband needs!
I would love to offer you some support, but you don't give us much to go on.
In what situation is he leaving bags behind, or not finding an exit? Not sure what you mean by that. If he is falling, that is a problem which needs to be addressed! His next fall could result in a broken hip, or worse! Either he is becoming weak, or his brain is not sending proper signals to his legs, causing him to be unsteady. He should be using a mobility aid; a walker, rollator, or a wheelchair to minimize fall risk.
Has the neurologist evaluated him for any brain damage or dementia?
You're losing your patience because you're not 85. I'm watching my own 85 yr old father slowing down, withdrawing in social settings, going to the doctor more frequently for one thing or another. He seems to think he is healthy, and in denial about growing older. His wife, 20 years his junior, appears to be losing patience with him at times, and pushing him to continue doing the same activities they have long enjoyed, even though it is obviously wearing him out.
If your husband does get a diagnosis of dementia, you could learn about his condition and gain more understanding of what to expect.
It's very hard watching our loved ones change. My husband suffered brain damage suddenly at the age of 53, due to a massive stroke. I have cried and mourned the loss of the man that he was, and have learned to accept who he is now. It totally turned our lives upside-down, but I still love him and find ways to interact with him on his level. It's now like taking care of a very large child.
If your husband is healthy, and just showing signs of old age, try and remind yourself to have more patience with him. He can't help it. Try taking breaks on your own if you get too frustrated. Type into a Google search bar his behaviors and you will find a lot of information, some of which may be helpful. I found that just gaining a better understanding of certain behaviors helped me to have more patience with it and I have gained tips on how to re-direct unwanted behaviors.
Thank you so much for your advise. Our situation has been complicated by my husband being a business owner still working. Most people don’t see the decline as I do. Finally closed the business end of December. Now with that responsibility off his shoulders I want to concentrate on managing what I see as his decline. Sad but true. I am considering the future and starting to make adjustments in our lives. Thanks again!
Was your husband given a cognitive test or is this doctor just guessing his issues are due to "old age alone"? What was his score on the cognition test?
Did he have a CT scan or an MRI to check for stroke activity?
We are used to the major changes when children get older, but the changes as people get older can come as a surprise. You husband is 8 years older than you, and when you married he was probably more capable than you were. Now he isn’t – except that he is “healthy”, and that satisfies the doctor. “Leaving bags behind, not finding an exit” sounds like you had problems traveling. Expecting an 85 year old to ‘manage’ traveling is pushing it!
It may be that you need some counseling about the changes in your relationship, and how you can handle them. That might help you both.
Thank you for reading! As to travel, yes we have been traveling for the last ten years. A good run I am happy to report ( Egypt, Israel, Rome, etc)…..But as you mentioned this might be the last travel year for us, other than a local and short trip. We went to California this summer and my oldest son came with us… We will be starting family / couple therapy next week to talk about the decline we are experiencing. Will keep group posted. It feels lonely out here. Greetings from Connecticut!
Totally agree with Fawnby, get to a specialist. My husband had lymphedema for 4 years before we ever found a doctor who took hos condition seriously. Previous doctor just gave him water pills. 🙄
Decline on a weekly basis is surely alarming so not sure how his doc thinks he is "fine" and "just aging". I personally would look for a different primary. Also, I wouldn't bother with PT until he gets a more specific diagnosis. What does your husband think about all of this? What other symptoms does he have? Is he on any medications (or new ones that could be interacting or not playing well with his body)? At 85 my Mom would run circles around much younger people.
This is such a common situation. Why are these doctors so willing to be oblivious to these changes? I think you should follow the advice you've been given here and have him see a geriatrician. I think you should go in with him for all of these appointments. You should get a notebook and write down the things you see happening, and when they're happening, and any other symptoms. You should tell the doctor how this is all different from last year, from 6 months ago, from last month. He can be a "very healthy 85" as far as his heart and lungs etc., but you see him every day. You know him. Insist that what you are seeing is not normal for him. Also make a list of questions, and write down what the dr tells you. It's hard to remember everything when you are in the office.
If he is not willing to let you come in with him, then you can still give the doctor your list of concerns, or you can still speak to the doctor. The law only prevents the dr from giving out info to other people, and the patient can make exceptions so that someone like their spouse can communicate with the dr and do things like order refills etc.
Additionally, if he is not letting you in to these appointments, then it is very possible that he is not being truthful with the doctor, is unable to give complete information, or is not telling you what the dr actually said. So I would take all of it with a grain of salt if you weren't there to hear it with your own ears.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree with doctors overlooking what I find to be obvious… I do attend all doctor appointments, I have his power of attorney, etc. Geriatrics is my next step and a memory consult. He is mild mannered and tries to accept that he is no longer functioning at a year ago levels. But still has anger fits at himself and needs to calm down when things go wrong… he still drives, etc But I am seeing a daily / weekly decline. will post again as we navigate this next stage of our lives. Thanks again!
If he's falling, this is not normal aging. You have 2 options, have a caregiver come to your home to assist him and to be with him if he has to go somewhere, or place him in an assisted living/memory care facility where they have trained staff who know how to handle these issues. Continuing care facilities start people out in independent living, and they transition to greater care as needed. They have social workers on staff at these facilities who can advise when a resident should transfer from assisted living to memory care. Much depends on your collective finances. Make sure all of his and your paperwork is in order while he's still capable of signing legal papers. You both need to have wills, living wills with your advanced medical directives, and to set up powers of attorney for medical (Health Care Proxy) and financial (durable power of attorney) matters. You may need an attorney for this. Get one that specializes in elder law. Financial institutions usually have their own POA forms. Make sure you can handle all of your accounts: credit cards, bank accounts, etc. This is a good time to go paperless if you will have "strangers" coming to your home. If not, lock all your valuables, including financial papers. Contact your local state Department of Aging to find out what benefits and services your husband is eligible for. All the best to you and your husband!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Aricept and Memantine are two of the drugs that can be tried, and you should ask the geriatric specialist about them. Good luck in finding the help your husband needs!
In what situation is he leaving bags behind, or not finding an exit? Not sure what you mean by that. If he is falling, that is a problem which needs to be addressed! His next fall could result in a broken hip, or worse!
Either he is becoming weak, or his brain is not sending proper signals to his legs, causing him to be unsteady. He should be using a mobility aid; a walker, rollator, or a wheelchair to minimize fall risk.
Has the neurologist evaluated him for any brain damage or dementia?
You're losing your patience because you're not 85. I'm watching my own 85 yr old father slowing down, withdrawing in social settings, going to the doctor more frequently for one thing or another. He seems to think he is healthy, and in denial about growing older. His wife, 20 years his junior, appears to be losing patience with him at times, and pushing him to continue doing the same activities they have long enjoyed, even though it is obviously wearing him out.
If your husband does get a diagnosis of dementia, you could learn about his condition and gain more understanding of what to expect.
It's very hard watching our loved ones change. My husband suffered brain damage suddenly at the age of 53, due to a massive stroke. I have cried and mourned the loss of the man that he was, and have learned to accept who he is now. It totally turned our lives upside-down, but I still love him and find ways to interact with him on his level. It's now like taking care of a very large child.
If your husband is healthy, and just showing signs of old age, try and remind yourself to have more patience with him. He can't help it. Try taking breaks on your own if you get too frustrated. Type into a Google search bar his behaviors and you will find a lot of information, some of which may be helpful. I found that just gaining a better understanding of certain behaviors helped me to have more patience with it and I have gained tips on how to re-direct unwanted behaviors.
Did he have a CT scan or an MRI to check for stroke activity?
It may be that you need some counseling about the changes in your relationship, and how you can handle them. That might help you both.
happy to report ( Egypt, Israel, Rome, etc)…..But as you mentioned this might be the last travel year for us, other than a local and short trip. We went to California this summer and my oldest son came with us… We will be starting family / couple therapy next week to talk about the decline we are experiencing. Will keep group posted. It feels lonely out here. Greetings from Connecticut!
"Just fine and aging?" What an idiot.
If he is not willing to let you come in with him, then you can still give the doctor your list of concerns, or you can still speak to the doctor. The law only prevents the dr from giving out info to other people, and the patient can make exceptions so that someone like their spouse can communicate with the dr and do things like order refills etc.
Additionally, if he is not letting you in to these appointments, then it is very possible that he is not being truthful with the doctor, is unable to give complete information, or is not telling you what the dr actually said. So I would take all of it with a grain of salt if you weren't there to hear it with your own ears.
be obvious… I do attend all doctor appointments, I have his power of attorney, etc. Geriatrics is my next step and a memory consult. He is mild mannered and tries to accept that he is no longer functioning at a year ago levels. But still has anger fits at himself and needs to calm down when things go wrong… he still drives, etc
But I am seeing a daily / weekly decline.
will post again as we navigate this next stage of our lives. Thanks again!