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I try to just let it go but he is really mean verbally and usually I find myself yelling back. I realize emotional control is one of the things affected by nph but I need a better way of dealing with it. Any good ideas? he refuses medication.
Your husband can accept medication to control his temper, he can go into Memory Care Assisted Living, or you can get your OWN place w/o him. Those are his choices. He doesn't get to "refuse" medication and take his temper and aggression out on you.
Loopyloo, I guess that is something I am just not ready to do yet. We live with our autistic son (high functioning) and he has a better relationship with his dad than I do. It is mainly against me that he has such a bad temper and it makes my son very uneasy. Mainly because I am the one who tells him what to do. If I left, I would be leaving both of them and leaving my son with that mess, I will not do. I think he would blame me also, not really seeing that this has been my husband's pattern for years; now much exaggerated. I think I have to bite the bullet for a little longer and try to pacify things by just walking away and not responding. As his dementia gets worse, it may be easier to deal with him or give him an ultimatum.
Sendhelp you are correct in your assessment that he is no longer available for a relationship. Sad as it is to say, he can no longer listen or reason with me. All he does is blame his anger on me and expect me to agree with him that I am the problem. It is really hard for me to shut up and walk away, but I am trying hard to change my reaction. Thanks for your advice. It helps to see things from another perspective.
You tell us in a response to others below that he has honestly "always been like this". Yet you have chosen to stay. Doesn't that kind of cover it? I can't think what there is to say other than that.
Yes, AlvaDear you are correct that my husband always wanted to be "the boss" and was rather difficult throughout our marriage. However, there were many good things about our marriage also and I do believe in marriage and do not think that divorce is always the answer. I chose to stay with him. The change he is manifesting now is another story. The angry displays whenever I tell or ask him something is really getting to me but I try and understand that his lack of emotional control and logic is due to his normal pressure hydrocephalus. It is just hard to remember sometimes.
Unless I missed something here, where did Autism come up? So, I'm going to reply to the question regarding verbal abuse.
Do not accept disrespectful behavior. Dementia or mentally ill, you don't stay around and take abuse. We can try to redirect or calm a situation but sometimes nothing will work. This is when it is time to detach as long as the person is in a safe place. However, if you have a type that is verbally abusive, and it continues, leave the environment and come back later.
I knew of a lady whose husband became physically abusive with his dementia. She had to place him in some type of care. He was employed as a Certified Nursing Assistant when he was younger and retired as a CNA. He became so violent that she called the police. Of course, his family got mad at her for calling the police. I saw this lady on the bus one day and we talked. I told her that she did the right thing by calling the cops. You have a choice to either protect yourself or become a verbal or physical punching bag to a sick person.
The internet has a way of hiding the truth about people who suffer from mental disorders or dementia making it seem like it is all roses and harps. It's not. Sometimes you must protect your own safety and well being. Coming out of denial and facing a situation for what it is worth is the first step. We love these people but their minds are broken.
Do not accept the refusal of medication. You do not deserve abuse, no one does, no matter the circumstance. Leave every time it happens, the minute it starts and let him know the living arrangements will change if he will not give medication a chance to help. You matter too
Thanks Daughter of 1930. You are correct. No one deserves this abuse and I will start getting firmer about leaving every time it happens and then work on the medication idea. I have some good ideas now from all the helpful answers!
Clearly I have missed something (at my age, quite a lot, likely), but why are we talking now of Autism? Because if there is a diagnosis of autism, already such a huge long spectrum...............I don't see how there can be any certain diagnosis, prognosis or treatment.
Docs where I worked as a nurse used to say in conversation that in medical it was all a mystery and that 70% of it is guesswork. And the Dermatologist chimed in with "for us dermatologists it's more like 95% guesswork. Eventually we hit on the right guess." Sad to say, much as diagnostics have improved since I was a practicing RN, I suspect in the realm of dementias, mental illnesses, brain traumas, the 95% still holds.
You are not the only one who "missed" something here because I certainly did ad have no idea how this thread morphed into an autism discussion either. Every bad behavior can't be blamed on "the spectrum".
You will not get anywhere yelling back at him. As a matter of fact it will probably upset both of you more. A few suggestions. 1. And this is IMPORTANT...If at ANYTIME you feel that you are in danger you HAVE to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety.
2. If he is being abusive LEAVE the room. If you can leave the house that is even better. Take a walk around the block or even down to the end of the driveway.
3. For your own safety you have to begin to look for a facility that will be able to care for him. I feel that you are going to say that you could not place him in a facility....Well. what happens when he hurts you and you need to go to the hospital and then possibly rehab. Who will care for him then? Who will care for both of you when you return home. (and this is if the injury you sustain is not a fatal one)
Now for the yelling.... Try this, it may work, it may not. Lower the pitch of your voice. Talk in a quieter tone. I think I read that men lose higher pitch sounds so if you lower your voice, lower the pitch he may hear you better and be able to process what you are saying.
I have to ask this...Is your husband competent or has a doctor said that he is no longer competent to make decisions? If he is no longer competent you make the decisions as to when and where to place him if it gets to the point that it is to dangerous for him to be at home.
And if YOUR doctor is unaware of what is going on please inform them dealing with the illness of a spouse greatly effects YOUR health.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Take medication or you leave.
I think he would blame me also, not really seeing that this has been my husband's pattern for years; now much exaggerated.
I think I have to bite the bullet for a little longer and try to pacify things by just walking away and not responding. As his dementia gets worse, it may be easier to deal with him or give him an ultimatum.
Exit the room, do not respond at all.
Exit the house take a walk.
Keep your phone handy.
His brain is broken, you cannot argue or win with that.
Create a life separate from your life with him.
He is no longer available for a relationship.
Yet you have chosen to stay.
Doesn't that kind of cover it? I can't think what there is to say other than that.
The change he is manifesting now is another story. The angry displays whenever I tell or ask him something is really getting to me but I try and understand that his lack of emotional control and logic is due to his normal pressure hydrocephalus. It is just hard to remember sometimes.
Do not accept disrespectful behavior. Dementia or mentally ill, you don't stay around and take abuse. We can try to redirect or calm a situation but sometimes nothing will work. This is when it is time to detach as long as the person is in a safe place. However, if you have a type that is verbally abusive, and it continues, leave the environment and come back later.
I knew of a lady whose husband became physically abusive with his dementia. She had to place him in some type of care. He was employed as a Certified Nursing Assistant when he was younger and retired as a CNA. He became so violent that she called the police. Of course, his family got mad at her for calling the police. I saw this lady on the bus one day and we talked. I told her that she did the right thing by calling the cops. You have a choice to either protect yourself or become a verbal or physical punching bag to a sick person.
The internet has a way of hiding the truth about people who suffer from mental disorders or dementia making it seem like it is all roses and harps. It's not. Sometimes you must protect your own safety and well being. Coming out of denial and facing a situation for what it is worth is the first step. We love these people but their minds are broken.
She is an expert on the dynamics of verbal abuse.
Highly recommended. It will give you some coping strategies.
Docs where I worked as a nurse used to say in conversation that in medical it was all a mystery and that 70% of it is guesswork. And the Dermatologist chimed in with "for us dermatologists it's more like 95% guesswork. Eventually we hit on the right guess."
Sad to say, much as diagnostics have improved since I was a practicing RN, I suspect in the realm of dementias, mental illnesses, brain traumas, the 95% still holds.
You are not the only one who "missed" something here because I certainly did ad have no idea how this thread morphed into an autism discussion either. Every bad behavior can't be blamed on "the spectrum".
A few suggestions.
1. And this is IMPORTANT...If at ANYTIME you feel that you are in danger you HAVE to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety.
2. If he is being abusive LEAVE the room. If you can leave the house that is even better. Take a walk around the block or even down to the end of the driveway.
3. For your own safety you have to begin to look for a facility that will be able to care for him.
I feel that you are going to say that you could not place him in a facility....Well. what happens when he hurts you and you need to go to the hospital and then possibly rehab. Who will care for him then? Who will care for both of you when you return home. (and this is if the injury you sustain is not a fatal one)
Now for the yelling....
Try this, it may work, it may not.
Lower the pitch of your voice.
Talk in a quieter tone.
I think I read that men lose higher pitch sounds so if you lower your voice, lower the pitch he may hear you better and be able to process what you are saying.
I have to ask this...Is your husband competent or has a doctor said that he is no longer competent to make decisions? If he is no longer competent you make the decisions as to when and where to place him if it gets to the point that it is to dangerous for him to be at home.
And if YOUR doctor is unaware of what is going on please inform them dealing with the illness of a spouse greatly effects YOUR health.
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