My MIL came to live with us after my FIL passed away, then her disabled daughter. They all got Covid during the pandemic, causing health issues for my FIL and evidentually my SIL. My husband and I were their only caregivers and drove over an hour every day during that time to take care of them. It was extremely hard because we were still working. Our daughter had her first child during this time and I decided to retire to take care of our grandchild. After my FIL passed, my SIL became difficult to manage due to her disability and behavior. My MIL constantly pressured us to let them come stay with us. We proceeded to do a garage conversion to make room for them all the while I had huge reservations about it. My MIL relied on everyone and anyone to bale her out of having to care for her daughter because of the issues with her behavior, a job that fell mostly on my FIL and now that he was gone her attention fell on us. My SIL’s health started declining quickly due to obesity and conjestive heart failure, all while my MIl was awaiting to have surgery on her esophagus to remove a blockage. I thought I was going to lose my mind during this time. While my husband took care of his mom, I was trying to take care of my SIl at our house an hour away. Her behavior had worsened to the point that she would throw fits and scream if things did not go her way. All while I was trying to take care of our grandchild. It got so bad I had to finally had to tell my husband I could no longer take care of her and we needed to look at hiring a caregiver and returning her home with her mom. During that time we went through a number of caregivers because of the difficulty in behavioral issues my SIL had. We made the best of the situation and worked extremely hard to provide for both women. My SIL passed away within the year after my FIl passed. It was an extremely hard year, I really don’t think I’ve recovered from it.
Now we have my MIL. She practically begged us to let her come and live with us. She has been with us now for going on 5 years. I wish I could say it’s been a blessing but I honestly cannot say that. She is a sweet lady and on the surface and seems so easy to get along with but came with the expectation that I was going to bathe her, do everything for her. She does nothing but sit in front of the TV and waits for meals to be brought to her lap. She resents my husband trying to get her to walk and take ownership of taking care of herself. It’s placed a lot of stress in our marriage, we cannot leave her alone, without paying someone to come and sit with her. She doesn’t seem to appreciate what she has or appreciate the sacrifices we have made to have her here. She does not tell the truth and manipulates to get her own way. We also take care of two grandchildren as well, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. My husband and I have contemplated going to therapy. It has been a grind for a very long time, I told my daughter that I pray I can take care of myself till God calls me home. Is there anyone out there who has been in these situations and can give some helpful advise?
No, you will not bring her meals to her. Your husband wants her to get up and walk. So, if she wants to eat, she gets up and walks to the table. Every meal. Starting with the one after you read this. If she doesn't, her meal goes in the refrigerator and she can get up and go get it herself when she gets hungry enough.
Tonight, while she's asleep, take all the TV remotes. If you want her to do something other than watch TV, keep the TV off until she does it.
Why do you have to pay someone to sit with her when you go out? If she truly needs someone for safety reasons, you should feel free to go out whenever you want, and let your husband deal with her. If it's just because she expects someone to wait on her, you and your husband go out and let her wait on herself.
Tell your husband, NO. She does not get to live here anymore. You want your house, your home, your time, your freedom, and your life back. Is he still working? If so, then this Saturday (or whatever his next day off is), he focuses on finding her another place to live. If he's not working, he starts looking now. Today.
If he refuses, then you start taking care of your grandchildren at their house. Go over there instead of them coming over to your house. Every time that you normally have them over. Let your husband take care of his own mother. If he has to take time off from his job to do so, so be it. He can use his FMLA.
If he still refuses to move her out, then leave for a week. Don't tell him where you're going. Watch the grandchildren during the day if they need you, but at their house, and then stay overnight at a hotel or with a friend or at an inexpensive airbnb. Let your husband have full responsibility for his mother, 24/7. If he has to "do everything for her," this will wake him up.
And yes, do go to therapy. Find out why you think her wants come over your wants, and your needs. You are a worthy, kind, and giving person. Your MIL is not a kind and giving person. So why does she get to take advantage? This is your one life. You don't know how much time you have left, especially with all this stressful caregiving burden. Don't let your time be taken from you by other people's selfishness.
Really your husband should be leading the charge to change the dynamics or get his Mother out of your house. At this point I wouldn't put any energy into trying to retrain her, since some of her behaviors now seem like dementia in progress. Don't tell her the plan for her to eventually move out: this will reduce her ability to manipulate her son.
Does she have a DPoA? If so, is it your son? If not, this should be made a condition upon which she lives in your house (as leverage). She also needs to know that without a DPoA she runs the risk of becoming the ward of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian, who will not be your son. Do whatever it takes to get her to assign a PoA. You can download the forms online, then take her to the bank to get them notarized.
After she signs the DPoA, take her for her free Medicare annual wellness check. Stay in the room during the exam to make sure she takes the cognitive and memory test. This will give a baseline measure. You may be surprised at the results.
I'm hoping she has enough money to afford AL. If not, then you may have to settle for hired aids. I don't even bathe my own Mom. It's one of my boundaries. I could, and she wants me to, but I refuse. An aid can also take her out of your house for errands, or a drive or to an activity. Or, find an Adult Day Care and have her go as many days of the week as she can afford.
She won't like any of it and will go into overdrive to get the old dynamic back. You and your husband need to form a united front in terms of strategy and responses to her. Even if he fails, you must go on with your life. You won't have your current health or abilities forever -- you are also aging. And your grandkids are growing up before your eyes. Remember that neither you nor your husband are responsible for her happiness. It's your house, your rules. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role: it is immoral and unethical. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms. You both have done yeoman's work helping his family over the years so neither of you should feel one twinge of guilt over getting her out.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your hearts as you get your lives back.
Therapy is also a good idea.
You deserve to get your life and home back .
Maybe straight up tell her that if she doesn’t start participating in her own care, she will need to move to a care home. And then follow through with that
If having your MIL living with you is not working out for you, then it is time to move her into a care home. At the very least, have hired caregivers come regularly for MIL's bathing, feeding, and physical therapy / exercise.
You do not pay for hired help, your MIL does. If this is not a tenable situation, then she needs to move out. Your husband needs to take the lead on this, and firmly lay down some ground rules for her to follow, or she can find somewhere else to live. She pushed herself on you because it was the easiest solution and arrangement for her. It meant she could stop trying to take care of herself, and assume you would do everything for her. That is unfair to you and to your family.
You can refuse to bathe her, dress her, and serve meals to her. Just because she is in your home does not make you her servant and personal caregiver.
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