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Well, my Rude Aunt insisted that dad didn’t have dementia. She said he was just bored, and if we bought him some Sudoku books so he could use his mind, he’d be fine. Denial doesn’t get much worse than that!
All I could do was ignore her. Stopped talking with her, let her rant on, cared for dad as required, and got cut out of her will.
I suggest you ignore these sisters and mention them to husband as seldom as possible. Hopefully he’ll start forgetting what they tell him, and that’s good. Start planning ahead to care for your husband; check out facilities, look into home help, enjoy your husband while you can. Do not report to his sisters what you’re doing in that regard. Their denial is likely to continue. They almost certainly will be of no help. Accept that and move on.
I’m very sorry. We like to think we can count on family, but that isn’t always the case.
Wow. Your Rude Aunt and my older sister… Sister - who spoke to our mother once per year by phone - told me our mother didn’t have dementia, she was just bored and lonely. Just… wow, the obliviousness of the uninvolved!
Tell them to come visit and care for the man for a week and see the reality of his diagnosis, for crying out loud!
Nobody should be talking about Alzheimer's with your husband ANYWAY. Why beat a dead horse? Limit the sisters phone calls if necessary, or tell them to visit their brother in person. Then you can talk to them once and for all. Seeing is believing.
Show your husband's sisters his actual chart. The doctor will give you a copy of it. Then get some pamphlets (your husband's doctor probably has some) about a dementia behavior called 'Showtiming'. This is when a person with dementia can pull it together for short periods of time for certain people and appear to be totally fine. 'Showtiming' is only effective on the people the person with dementia doesn't spend much time with or do much talking with. Sometimes they person can even get one over on a doctor or other healthcare professional.
You live with your husband every day, so there's no 'Showtiming' going on with you.
Does this upset your husband or cause a problem for you? If so you tell them that if they continue you will restrict their phone calls. You can put the calls on speaker and if they begin that kind of talk you can disconnect the call. (oops, I hit the wrong button...) If they don't get the hint then they just can't talk to him on the phone, they can visit. If they start in during a visit then you cut the visit short and walk them to the door while handing them their coats.
I am assuming you spoke to them about his diagnosis. Other than to tell them they are causing him harm, and said harm may result in further confusion and earlier needs for in-facility care, for which THEY will be responsible, there is little else that you can say. Assuming you have a diagnosis and can prove that he has this disorder, his medical team's diagnosis should negate their denial if they have any "capacity" to understand.
I don't know the level your husband is at, nor even how much their input affects him, or over how much time, and nor do I know other than phone calls, how much contact they have with him. Nor do you explain what the result of a conversation with "sisters" results in. So there's little else to do other than wish you the best of luck.
Almost certainly, given a person's long ability to confabulate, and sometimes even to fool doctors, the sisters aren't seeing "the real deal here" and their skepticism may be warranted. Surely do wish you the best of luck.
My default setting is to cover all the bases by starting with showing proof and educating.
I would literally send the sisters a print out of his actual diagnosis from his medical chart. Highlight it and the date. Tell them if they want to think they know more than his doctor then they should call him/her up and argue it with THEM.
I would also print out info and articles (or even threads from this forum) about how to engage people with this diagnosis, and what happens when family members don't respect the diagnosis, the patient and the caregiver.
You could even go so far as to video his behaviors and show it to them. This may seem excessive, but I'm in favor of trying to preserve the family relationship and I personally would be willing to go this far. If your husband had good/close relationships with them historically, then I think it's worth the effort.
After that, they get limited or completely blocked because maybe they have their own cognitive problems setting in...?
Did you have good a relationship with them in the past? Maybe they are terrified to think this runs in their family and it's a weird sort of denial? You can suggest that there is now testing for this and they should contact their primary doctors... ;-)
Be patient with them, but stand firm for yourself. Time will change their minds. My husband’s family was also in doubt in the first year of his diagnosis. But in the subsequent years, as behavior changed, they all came around. They now understand and support all of the changes I’ve made to protect and support him.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
All I could do was ignore her. Stopped talking with her, let her rant on, cared for dad as required, and got cut out of her will.
I suggest you ignore these sisters and mention them to husband as seldom as possible. Hopefully he’ll start forgetting what they tell him, and that’s good. Start planning ahead to care for your husband; check out facilities, look into home help, enjoy your husband while you can. Do not report to his sisters what you’re doing in that regard. Their denial is likely to continue. They almost certainly will be of no help. Accept that and move on.
I’m very sorry. We like to think we can count on family, but that isn’t always the case.
Nobody should be talking about Alzheimer's with your husband ANYWAY. Why beat a dead horse? Limit the sisters phone calls if necessary, or tell them to visit their brother in person. Then you can talk to them once and for all. Seeing is believing.
You live with your husband every day, so there's no 'Showtiming' going on with you.
If so you tell them that if they continue you will restrict their phone calls.
You can put the calls on speaker and if they begin that kind of talk you can disconnect the call. (oops, I hit the wrong button...)
If they don't get the hint then they just can't talk to him on the phone, they can visit. If they start in during a visit then you cut the visit short and walk them to the door while handing them their coats.
I don't know the level your husband is at, nor even how much their input affects him, or over how much time, and nor do I know other than phone calls, how much contact they have with him. Nor do you explain what the result of a conversation with
"sisters" results in. So there's little else to do other than wish you the best of luck.
Almost certainly, given a person's long ability to confabulate, and sometimes even to fool doctors, the sisters aren't seeing "the real deal here" and their skepticism may be warranted. Surely do wish you the best of luck.
I would literally send the sisters a print out of his actual diagnosis from his medical chart. Highlight it and the date. Tell them if they want to think they know more than his doctor then they should call him/her up and argue it with THEM.
I would also print out info and articles (or even threads from this forum) about how to engage people with this diagnosis, and what happens when family members don't respect the diagnosis, the patient and the caregiver.
You could even go so far as to video his behaviors and show it to them. This may seem excessive, but I'm in favor of trying to preserve the family relationship and I personally would be willing to go this far. If your husband had good/close relationships with them historically, then I think it's worth the effort.
After that, they get limited or completely blocked because maybe they have their own cognitive problems setting in...?
Did you have good a relationship with them in the past? Maybe they are terrified to think this runs in their family and it's a weird sort of denial? You can suggest that there is now testing for this and they should contact their primary doctors... ;-)
you should get one if you don’t already have one.
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