My dad is 92 and she is 87 and on dialysis 3 days of the week outside of the home. Before my dad went into memory care (which is 5 blocks from his home) he had fallen 3 times. She didn’t give him his meds properly or attend to his hygiene. The house is not “baby proofed” at all. She thinks they will be fine alone overnight and on weekends.
I'm praying for you and your family as you navigate this difficult time.
As their children,we told them, yes you can stay in your own home but it's impossible as we never foresaw the future of their health or safety. Being POA is having to do what's right for them,even if it hurts the whole family emotionally. You don't need calls from APS if something should happen to Mom.
Mom quickly found out that she wasn't able to help Dad up the stairs to the bedroom and bath. Thus, he had to sleep on the recliner in the living room, and Mom slept on the sofa. Physical therapy came to the house to help Dad, but Mom was not a happy camper when a young female therapist came to the door.
One thing I noticed was that my Mom thought I was still that 30 year old person with a ton of energy, instead of being a senior citizen myself. I had to quickly learn to say "sorry, I can't possibly do that".
If your Mom does take your Dad out of memory-care, and she finds it's more difficult than she thought, she may need to go on a waiting-list in order for him to return. That wait list could be for many months.
Her doctor can order this care placement for her.
Best for both. imo.
If you have all options, you may not need to sell the house right away.
Insurance and financial planning may require that you state "She is returning to her home". Ask attorney about this.
Not sure, but doesn't confusion come with dialysis?
Ask M how she intends to manage dialysis, transport to and from the centre, and who will care for D while she is away for so long on half the weekdays – forever. This is totally unrealistic.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Get it? The answer is no with no discussion
People are living way longer than they did years ago. I've taken care of people well into their nineties pushing into their hundreds. The question is though, are they living a quality of life. Family members are miserable and frustrated with these situations. The elder is stubborn and wanting things their way. Truth of the matter is that they no longer get to dictate who goes where.
Best of luck to you.
But I realize that you have the same problem I suffer from which is that if you were an obedient child it is very hard to not feel like our parents have this authority over us. So even if with all my mature judgment I know that dad is in the right place, once mommy says I want your dad to come home, all of these internal machinations get set in motion. And there is this basic desire deep deep down that makes us want to make them happy and please them.
Your mom is so fortunate. She has two loving children and her husband is close to her house where she can visit regularly. You are doing a great job.
I understand she misses having her husband home. I would too. However, it is not feasible for him to be at home now, with her not able to take care of him.
Can they afford to hire 24 hour live-in care? or shifts of caregivers to give 24 hour coverage? That is the only way she could consider having him home with her. And that is not ideal. They could get lucky and find really good caregivers, and it could work out. But, your father is in the safest and best place now.
They'll be fine until they die, which, under that plan, may be very soon.
Try making a list of everything that would have to be done (1) during the overnight time period and (2) on weekends. Every. Last. Thing. It will be a lot. Also list Every. Last. Thing. that she expects YOU to do. Decide if you can do them. Ask her, since you can't do this one or that one, who she expects to do it. YOU be firm and make it very clear that YOU aren't up to it. (The care of dad alone is not even something you can do. If he's in memory care, he needs much more care than he could get at home.) Then ask mom who is going to do all those things? Will she hire help and supervise them? No, she can't. SHE will cry and accuse and insist that she needs no help so why are you having this discussion, and then you go home.
The only way I can see to impress upon mom that her plan won't work is for her doctor(s) to prescribe that she MUST go to long-term care. Because that's what needs to happen. Have a serious talk with the doctors. If you're not your parents' MPOA, write notes to the doctors - urgent ones that describe the whole scope of the problem - which they will read and consider. Also refuse to be involved in any home care, period.
Sadly, your mom has become unrealistic and irrational. She isn't capable of making decisions for herself or dad. She should be tested to find out what her cognitive issues are, and then you can move on from there to decide on a long-term plan. I wish you the best of luck in a difficult situation.
If not, and he doesn't have a PoA, then you will need to talk to the facility to make sure they know he is an "unsafe discharge" and that you will not be overseeing the home care.
Do not help or enable him to go back home even if she asks you (or any other person she may contact). Make sure other family members know not to intervene, or respond to her, including their friends and neighbors. If she somehow manages to get him home, report them to APS and keep reporting them. If either of them winds up in the ER, go there and talk to the discharge planner and tell them he or she is an "unsafe discharge" and that no one is willing/able to manage their care at home. Then ask to talk to a hospital social worker about transitioning either one of them directly into a facility.
If you or anyone helps them, APS won't be able to know how bad it is so that they can intervene sooner rather than later.