My dad is 92 and she is 87 and on dialysis 3 days of the week outside of the home. Before my dad went into memory care (which is 5 blocks from his home) he had fallen 3 times. She didn’t give him his meds properly or attend to his hygiene. The house is not “baby proofed” at all. She thinks they will be fine alone overnight and on weekends.
Best of luck to you.
But I realize that you have the same problem I suffer from which is that if you were an obedient child it is very hard to not feel like our parents have this authority over us. So even if with all my mature judgment I know that dad is in the right place, once mommy says I want your dad to come home, all of these internal machinations get set in motion. And there is this basic desire deep deep down that makes us want to make them happy and please them.
Your mom is so fortunate. She has two loving children and her husband is close to her house where she can visit regularly. You are doing a great job.
People are living way longer than they did years ago. I've taken care of people well into their nineties pushing into their hundreds. The question is though, are they living a quality of life. Family members are miserable and frustrated with these situations. The elder is stubborn and wanting things their way. Truth of the matter is that they no longer get to dictate who goes where.
Mom quickly found out that she wasn't able to help Dad up the stairs to the bedroom and bath. Thus, he had to sleep on the recliner in the living room, and Mom slept on the sofa. Physical therapy came to the house to help Dad, but Mom was not a happy camper when a young female therapist came to the door.
One thing I noticed was that my Mom thought I was still that 30 year old person with a ton of energy, instead of being a senior citizen myself. I had to quickly learn to say "sorry, I can't possibly do that".
If your Mom does take your Dad out of memory-care, and she finds it's more difficult than she thought, she may need to go on a waiting-list in order for him to return. That wait list could be for many months.
I'm praying for you and your family as you navigate this difficult time.
Ask M how she intends to manage dialysis, transport to and from the centre, and who will care for D while she is away for so long on half the weekdays – forever. This is totally unrealistic.
Her doctor can order this care placement for her.
Best for both. imo.
If you have all options, you may not need to sell the house right away.
Insurance and financial planning may require that you state "She is returning to her home". Ask attorney about this.
Not sure, but doesn't confusion come with dialysis?
Could there be a type of AL community where they can live together and both of them get the care they need as CaringWifeAZ suggests? That may be a good option that works for everyone. Are hired live-in caregivers a possibility where they live? That may be another option.
Your mother is never going to listen to you or your family explaining that she cannot adequately care for your father or even herself at this point. She will have to have it explained to her by a doctor and even then she may not listen. In the meantime, make sure the memory care knows that your father is not to be discharged for any reason. This will take some of the stress off you and your brother if you decide to explore different care options for them.