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My dad is 92 and she is 87 and on dialysis 3 days of the week outside of the home. Before my dad went into memory care (which is 5 blocks from his home) he had fallen 3 times. She didn’t give him his meds properly or attend to his hygiene. The house is not “baby proofed” at all. She thinks they will be fine alone overnight and on weekends.

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As POA for both of them, the answer is no to dad moving home. Period. Your mother is cognitively impaired if she's even asking for such a thing. As POA, it's your obligation to keep them safe and rooted in reality, not to be their yes-man.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I think with your Moms age and that she is on dyalisis, that her mind may be effected. The toxins in her blood maybe the problem. There is no way she is thinking logically. I would be upfront with her, there is no way in her condition she can take care of Dad. And you refuse to do the caring because he is 24/7 care and you are not trained or able to do that kind of care. If Mom is 92, you are a Senior too.
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TheMiddle1 Feb 22, 2026
Thank you. That’s a good point. I am definitely seeing that her judgment is clouded although to be honest she has always been like that to some extent. I am not a senior but I am raising kids and work multiple jobs. I cannot care for him or her.
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No, you don't move dad back home. One thing I notice about the older generation, is that they are sometimes stuck in a time warp. They are remembering the way things were before they got older.

People are living way longer than they did years ago. I've taken care of people well into their nineties pushing into their hundreds. The question is though, are they living a quality of life. Family members are miserable and frustrated with these situations. The elder is stubborn and wanting things their way. Truth of the matter is that they no longer get to dictate who goes where.
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TheMiddle1 Feb 22, 2026
Thank you.
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When I first read your post, I was thinking what is the question here? Because of course you are not going to help dad move home.

But I realize that you have the same problem I suffer from which is that if you were an obedient child it is very hard to not feel like our parents have this authority over us. So even if with all my mature judgment I know that dad is in the right place, once mommy says I want your dad to come home, all of these internal machinations get set in motion. And there is this basic desire deep deep down that makes us want to make them happy and please them.

Your mom is so fortunate. She has two loving children and her husband is close to her house where she can visit regularly. You are doing a great job.
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TheMiddle1 Feb 22, 2026
Thank you and that is very true. I battle with that all the time. There is also the issue of marital rights. Isn’t there?
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Your M is on dialysis, which takes about half a day three times a week, “outside the home”. She is 87, so she is unlikely to get a kidney transplant. My experience is that people get very tired of the dialysis routine. Unless they expect a transplant, after about 3 years they give up, with death following. This happened just two weeks ago with a son living with a neighbor next door but one to us, and it’s not the first in my experience.

Ask M how she intends to manage dialysis, transport to and from the centre, and who will care for D while she is away for so long on half the weekdays – forever. This is totally unrealistic.
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TheMiddle1 Feb 22, 2026
Thank you. She is not saying no care just not 24/7 care. She has been on dialysis for years and my dad just went into the memory care. She accepts the care during the day it is night and weekends that she is saying she doesn’t need. But you are 100% right. She needs it. She really needs someone there all the time thanks again.
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You don’t live one finger to help her. No phone calls. No strategy. Don’t even discuss it with her. If she is going to do this, she is going to do this all on her own.
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southernwave Feb 22, 2026
Just saw you have POA so the answer is stop discussing this with her. The answer is no and she has not other choice or options.

No.
No.
No.
No.

Get it? The answer is no with no discussion
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Please place them in the same facility.
Her doctor can order this care placement for her.

Best for both. imo.

If you have all options, you may not need to sell the house right away.
Insurance and financial planning may require that you state "She is returning to her home". Ask attorney about this.

Not sure, but doesn't confusion come with dialysis?
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Reply to Sendhelp
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You are going to have to stand strong and say NO. That is a disaster waiting to happen.
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Reply to Lylii1
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TheMiddle1, this reminds me of my parents. Back when my Dad had a heart attack and needed rehab, Mom said she could take care of Dad at home. Now, mind you they both were in their 90's. Mom said it was her job to take care of him.


Mom quickly found out that she wasn't able to help Dad up the stairs to the bedroom and bath. Thus, he had to sleep on the recliner in the living room, and Mom slept on the sofa. Physical therapy came to the house to help Dad, but Mom was not a happy camper when a young female therapist came to the door.


One thing I noticed was that my Mom thought I was still that 30 year old person with a ton of energy, instead of being a senior citizen myself. I had to quickly learn to say "sorry, I can't possibly do that".


If your Mom does take your Dad out of memory-care, and she finds it's more difficult than she thought, she may need to go on a waiting-list in order for him to return. That wait list could be for many months.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Of course your father needs to be where he is. It sounds your mother shouldn't live alone now either. I think it is time to think about that.
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TheMiddle1 Feb 22, 2026
Thank you and yes but just as she refuses care for him, she does the same for herself. I have told her that 1000 times
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