She was going a mile a minute with 5 kids, a husband and lots of grandchildren and was always busy and doing things for everyone else. She now lives alone, requires a caregiver and has very few visitors especially due to the pandemic. I live far away and call every day, but it is so sad to hear her speak negatively about herself now because she is "unproductive". Any advice would be much appreciated.
Is she still cognizant? You do not give any details in your profile.
Can she start a Family Favorites Cookbook? And a little history behind the recipe. Did she get it from her mom? her Mother in law? What is the "secret" to the stuffing she always made? (I would love to have had this from my Mom or Grandma)
Can she start a family history book. Where did she come from? her mom, her dad? (so much better getting the real story rather than reading it on Ancestory)
If she can not do these things herself you might want to check with a local scout group maybe there is someone looking for a project to earn an Eagle Scout or the Girl Scout version is called a Gold Award.
Just a few of the things your mom could record or write down for you. Memories to share with the family for generations.
I spoke to mom as often as possible before she went into MC and would ask for recipes, family names, etc. Anything to help her feel useful and helpful and it also helped me.
She needs more Visitors, try to arrange 7 different peiole to pick an hour one day a week to visit her so she'll get a Visitor every day.
Try to find things she can do like paint by number or coloring, making stuff if she knits or crochets.
Let her know just what you said about everything she's done and now it's time for her body to rest.
Will she tend small plants like herbs from her home?
Was there anything that she enjoyed such as crochet, quilting, etc? Send her some patterns and the items she would need and see if she will get back at it.
It's also possible she is a little depressed. It is very difficult to find yourself unable to do what you did before and your mind is clear enough to recognize your own decline. Talk to her about what she would like to be doing. If she can live with any of her children, ask her about that, too. Maybe being in a family setting again would help
The GP read over the list and acknowledged how hard the isolation has been on so many of us. He also sent her for tests and likely the chest pains were anxiety, her heart is fine.
Mum is 86 and lives 100% independently. She has a remarkable group of friends who are all in the 80's many have outlived their husbands. As time has passed, several have decided that they have to live life, and they are getting together again. Mum went swimming most days with one friend. On Friday nights a group in her neighbourhood gets together to play dominoes.
Finding a way to be social engaged really has helped Mum to get through these last 7 months.
I had to give up most of my fun things, including work, because my body chose to fail and yet my mind works perfectly. It has been hard to accept, but learning to accept it has changed my perspective to one of gladness that I can still be here for my family.
Not sure what "normal" is for any of us - normal changes. I finally learned that with the 5th primary cancer! There really isn't a normal for anyone - we do the best we can, and accept that we cannot do all that we once did. I miss work! I miss being out and about with friends! I miss playing! I miss being independent! And I accept that these things have changed.
The best thing I did was accept and understand that I can no longer do what I did, and need help doing most of the things I used to never even think about doing. It made it easier on me and easier on those around me. Fighting the changes just made me fall into a deep depression - accepting that I cannot do what I did, and working on doing what I can, has brought me out of the depression.
My father's local Meals on Wheels worked with school children who drew cards for the senior MOW recipients. Just the thought of the time they spent was heartwarming. My father always enjoyed them.
Given that the USPS needs support, I've decided to back off on e-mailing and send letters or cards instead. I used to use copyright free art to make my own cards, then either print them with colored ink or hand color them. The coloring was very, very soothing, as has been observed when folks with dementia have been given art projects.
I'm also coloring some for drop-off at rehab, AL and other facilities. Adding a bit of mystery, I won't be signing my real name, just something like "someone who wishes you a pleasant day", or something uplifting. Then I'll hand deliver them to the facilities.
I'm also working on finding ways to do the same for the Veterans, either in the VA homes or VA hospitals.
My2Cents, good ideas about staying active, especially exercising at home. Listening to music is very therapeutic and helps avoid depression. And people can "dance" with their feet while sitting down.
Luna, you might want to send your mother a series of cards, each focused on something she used to do, and compliment her on those accomplishments. One thing I've noticed as have others here is that mobility tends to make us feel diminished. Anyone who believes that should read about Stephen Hawking, who was probably more challenged than most of the people for whom we care.
Granted, he had more support and access to assistive devices, but he also kept his mind active. He'll be remembered not only for his fight against ALS, but also for his scientific activities despite his disabilities.
Lockett, I feel for your pain, but I think you really undervalue yourself. First, I think the concept of what is "normal" is not relevant for most people, and especially elders. Second, STOP referring to yourself as a misfit!
Think of all the wounded soldiers who have wounds, amputations, TBI and other war inflicted injuries that most of us would never get, or even see. Yet they're working and fighting for more normal lives. Granted that they do have the VA as well as support organizations, but they also have the benefit of military training and of perseverance.
Please think of these situations. I rode the bus to work for years. One woman who periodically also rode had some type of limb disability and was unable to walk straight, or move her legs or arms in a straight line. Yet she rode the bus. Guessing her age, I would say in her 20's.
Another was blind, and rode the bus daily. She got off in one of the toughest areas. I always admired these women and wondered if I would have the courage to be that strong and brave if I had the illnesses they experienced.
So, Lockett, please reassess your situation and think more positively of yourself...please?
And Luna, consider at home activities for your mother such as writing, art work, making and/or writing cards for pick up and delivery to other homebound people.
Reaching out to others in need is a wonderful form of productivity.
# 2 find out what she is good at and help her with it as a hobby.
# 3 for many they are the go, go ,go crowd and now that they are old they cannot live that lifestyle. It has taken away their independence and joy of life. Maybe you can get someone to come in and help her bake cookies for nurses, fire department or police. Have them write her a thank you note for the cookies. It goes a long way.
Some folks who've found ways to help during the pandemic eventually get public recognition. Imagine if that happened, and/or if the local fire department or police force gave her a certification of appreciation, or honored her publicly.
LlamaLover raises another issue: how actively is she involved in her grown children's lives? Could she call one of them daily, rotating the sequence? Or call her grandchildren?
I think she could make arrangements with her own grown children to bring the next generation into getting better acquainted with her, sharing their interests, and in turn helping her think more highly of herself because she's NOW making a contribution to the second generation.