
long and complicated story short, my mom (in her early 60s) has a compromised immune system, bad scoliosis and suffers from neuropathy. She also is bipolar with borderline personality disorder and she lashes out at me. She’s needed a lot of care for decades. Her husband divorced her a few years ago and my brothers barely have anything to do with her anymore. I’m the sole caregiver now and she expects me to do everything. Get all of her meals, help her in and out of her chair for bathroom breaks at night, help her dress, do all of her shopping, keep track of bills and her accounts and resolve most problems for her. If she does try to take care of things herself she has a meltdown. Swears, throws things and verbally lashes out at me until I take care of it for her. She had surgery 6 months ago, so since I live an hour away i have to stay with her while she is recovering. I’m trying to carve out time to go home on the weekends and spend time with my boyfriend and tend to my online business but it’s difficult. The more help I give the more she expects. Right now she’s sick with a virus and insists it’s my fault and I need to stay with her this weekend. She didn’t ask, she demanded. I stay with her day and night for the bulk of the week. She claims she won’t be capable of heating up the meals I set up for her ahead of time. Her surgery is healed, painful still if she does things, but healed. I want to start sleeping at home again and come up 3 days a week like before but am afraid to brooch the subject as I’ll most certainly be lashed out at. She talks about suicide any time things don’t go her way and is a master at manipulation and guilt trips. Don’t get me wrong, she can also be incredibly wonderful, caring and supportive and sacrificed a lot as a parent. But the flip side of her personality is destroying me. I have my own health issues and chronic pain as well but nothing to her degree. I’m mentally physically and emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore. I have high functioning Asperger’s so I can over react to things. Am I being unreasonable thinking she can do more for herself? I don’t want to marginalize her pain and suffering but I need to take care of myself too. Thanks for listening.
You are not overreacting due to your Asperger's or anything else--you are wisely recognizing your limits and you have reached them. If your mother truly needs help, help her arrange some home health care. If you keep trying to do it all yourself, your exhaustion and resentment will only increase. Bring in some outside help and keep the caring, supportive relationship you and your mother could have without your having to compromise your boundaries.
You could be bold and tell her you aren't going to be her UNPAID Caregiver slave anymore, you have a place, job and life and she isn't going to take it away.
You can make a list of people with numbers Mom can call to hire. You should tell your brothers, or all of you can have a Family Meeting with Mom, and tell her your kids are not her free slaves, and she has choices. Move to an AL Facility, or hire people to come to her.
You can set up Mom with Walmart food and Meds delivery. Mom can hire someone to come 3 days a week for 4 hrs. Do some light chores and help Mom with her needs. Mom can hire a housekeeper to come once every 2 weeks.
Get on line to Care.com and check people out.
Bottom line, you cannot keep being a caregiver slave, it's over. I wish you strength and courage to SAY NO MORE.
Stay Stong, Emalias {hugs}
She is taking advantage of you. She is manipulating you and trying to keep you there at her beck and call longer than you wish to stay. Taking care of her is not your job. Her job as a mother was to feed and clothe and protect you as a child, and to raise you to become an independent adult. She did that.
You are not equipped to take care of all of her needs. You deserve to get back to your life and your own obligations. If you wish to make yourself available to her, then set some limits and firmly stick to them! When she tries to guilt you, just turn and walk away, reminding her that "This is not what I agreed to."
You wonder if she could be doing more for herself. That is possible. You won't know until you stop doing it and let her try. She can hire help or she could agree to live in a care home instead of using you and expecting you to do everything for her.
Best of luck to you both!
😞❤️☘️
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