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long and complicated story short, my mom (in her early 60s) has a compromised immune system, bad scoliosis and suffers from neuropathy. She also is bipolar with borderline personality disorder and she lashes out at me. She’s needed a lot of care for decades. Her husband divorced her a few years ago and my brothers barely have anything to do with her anymore. I’m the sole caregiver now and she expects me to do everything. Get all of her meals, help her in and out of her chair for bathroom breaks at night, help her dress, do all of her shopping, keep track of bills and her accounts and resolve most problems for her. If she does try to take care of things herself she has a meltdown. Swears, throws things and verbally lashes out at me until I take care of it for her. She had surgery 6 months ago, so since I live an hour away i have to stay with her while she is recovering. I’m trying to carve out time to go home on the weekends and spend time with my boyfriend and tend to my online business but it’s difficult. The more help I give the more she expects. Right now she’s sick with a virus and insists it’s my fault and I need to stay with her this weekend. She didn’t ask, she demanded. I stay with her day and night for the bulk of the week. She claims she won’t be capable of heating up the meals I set up for her ahead of time. Her surgery is healed, painful still if she does things, but healed. I want to start sleeping at home again and come up 3 days a week like before but am afraid to brooch the subject as I’ll most certainly be lashed out at. She talks about suicide any time things don’t go her way and is a master at manipulation and guilt trips. Don’t get me wrong, she can also be incredibly wonderful, caring and supportive and sacrificed a lot as a parent. But the flip side of her personality is destroying me. I have my own health issues and chronic pain as well but nothing to her degree. I’m mentally physically and emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore. I have high functioning Asperger’s so I can over react to things. Am I being unreasonable thinking she can do more for herself? I don’t want to marginalize her pain and suffering but I need to take care of myself too. Thanks for listening.

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You are being abused by a mentally ill person. Please know her mental or physical illnesses are no excuse at all for the abuse. No one should accept abuse at all. It’s time for you to bow out of this entirely as your brothers have wisely done. You’re the only one who can protect your health, mom doesn’t care about it. Stop saying you “have to” because you don’t, you can choose to protect yourself and let mom be cared for by others. Move home, let her know she will need another caregiver, and don’t accept any pushback. Don’t feel like you have to explain or justify your actions, she will never get it anyway. I wish you much courage and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Your mother's manipulative streak is evident in your description of her behavior. She may want or need more help than you think necessary, but that help does not need to be you. You have been generous and loving in giving her as much time and help as you have and, of course. Your help is convenient and comfortable for your mother, but too costly for you.

You are not overreacting due to your Asperger's or anything else--you are wisely recognizing your limits and you have reached them. If your mother truly needs help, help her arrange some home health care. If you keep trying to do it all yourself, your exhaustion and resentment will only increase. Bring in some outside help and keep the caring, supportive relationship you and your mother could have without your having to compromise your boundaries.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Stop. Say no. To all of it. Right now. Stop justifying this abusive woman by saying she can be wonderful and caring. She is not. You are terrified of her! Just walk away, reclaim your life, get a really good therapist, and protect yourself. If she threatens suicide, call 911. Let them put her in a psychiatric ward where maybe she will get some help. If not, she hire caregivers at her own expense, or move to assisted living. This is the perfect time, as you said she is healed. Again, walk away and don't look back. You're probably about the age of my daughters and I want to hug you and say, you deserve sooo much better than this.
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Reply to MG8522
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It's time to say, "No" and move back to your home, away from the abuse. She can get placed or she can hire helpers. You are not qualified to be an in home caregiver to someone with mental illness. You might also want to look into therapy. Sit your mom down and tell her you won't be coming back. Call or text your brothers and let them know the same.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Is your mom’s mental illness being treated? It doesn’t sound like it. You aren’t helping her to allow her to treat you this way. Set boundaries.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Good advice! Stop doing everything, and tell Mom when she calls, you aren't going to be coming back, she needs to hire help and not depend on you anymore. Tell her your car isn't running or some excuse.

You could be bold and tell her you aren't going to be her UNPAID Caregiver slave anymore, you have a place, job and life and she isn't going to take it away.

You can make a list of people with numbers Mom can call to hire. You should tell your brothers, or all of you can have a Family Meeting with Mom, and tell her your kids are not her free slaves, and she has choices. Move to an AL Facility, or hire people to come to her.

You can set up Mom with Walmart food and Meds delivery. Mom can hire someone to come 3 days a week for 4 hrs. Do some light chores and help Mom with her needs. Mom can hire a housekeeper to come once every 2 weeks.
Get on line to Care.com and check people out.

Bottom line, you cannot keep being a caregiver slave, it's over. I wish you strength and courage to SAY NO MORE.
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Reply to Dawn88
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It is totally up to you to set your limits. Decide exactly how much you are willing to do lovingly, and what you will no longer do. You can write it down, and tell her just like you are the parent, and she is the child. (which is exactly what your roles have now become!) Doesn't matter anymore what kind of temper tantrum children throw, does it?
Stay Stong, Emalias {hugs}
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Reply to EmilySue
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You say she had surgery 6 MONTHS AGO?! and you HAVE to stay with her while she is recovering. She should have already recovered! You did not have to stay with her. She should have been transferred from hospital to rehab nursing home, where she would be cared for and provided physical therapy to help her recover before going home.
She is taking advantage of you. She is manipulating you and trying to keep you there at her beck and call longer than you wish to stay. Taking care of her is not your job. Her job as a mother was to feed and clothe and protect you as a child, and to raise you to become an independent adult. She did that.
You are not equipped to take care of all of her needs. You deserve to get back to your life and your own obligations. If you wish to make yourself available to her, then set some limits and firmly stick to them! When she tries to guilt you, just turn and walk away, reminding her that "This is not what I agreed to."

You wonder if she could be doing more for herself. That is possible. You won't know until you stop doing it and let her try. She can hire help or she could agree to live in a care home instead of using you and expecting you to do everything for her.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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It is wonderful how much you have done for your mother!!! ❤️ You should feel very proud of yourself. The burnout is real, and you matter too. She sounds like she was always a good Mom, and I think her clingy, demanding behavior, is stemming from fear. She knows she is growing less and less able to do for herself, and it scares her. The thought of no longer mattering to people, now that she can no longer do for them, makes her feel used. Not you, but others who have pulled away from her over the years. I would have a talk with her about what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. Then ask her, “How can we fix the times when I cannot be here?” If she does not have a good answer, then maybe suggest her hiring in home caregivers who can fill in??? I hope you are her Power of Attorney? Then you can make some decisions for her. Maybe your brothers can chip in financially? Your mother cannot help the health problems she is dealing with, and you clearly need to have breaks and more help, so you can keep your sanity and health. Maybe she has some things that can be sold to pay for the help???

Best of luck to you both!
😞❤️☘️
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Reply to Tiger8
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Why are you playing this game with her?
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Reply to southernwave
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