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long and complicated story short, my mom (in her early 60s) has a compromised immune system, bad scoliosis and suffers from neuropathy. She also is bipolar with borderline personality disorder and she lashes out at me. She’s needed a lot of care for decades. Her husband divorced her a few years ago and my brothers barely have anything to do with her anymore. I’m the sole caregiver now and she expects me to do everything. Get all of her meals, help her in and out of her chair for bathroom breaks at night, help her dress, do all of her shopping, keep track of bills and her accounts and resolve most problems for her. If she does try to take care of things herself she has a meltdown. Swears, throws things and verbally lashes out at me until I take care of it for her. She had surgery 6 months ago, so since I live an hour away i have to stay with her while she is recovering. I’m trying to carve out time to go home on the weekends and spend time with my boyfriend and tend to my online business but it’s difficult. The more help I give the more she expects. Right now she’s sick with a virus and insists it’s my fault and I need to stay with her this weekend. She didn’t ask, she demanded. I stay with her day and night for the bulk of the week. She claims she won’t be capable of heating up the meals I set up for her ahead of time. Her surgery is healed, painful still if she does things, but healed. I want to start sleeping at home again and come up 3 days a week like before but am afraid to brooch the subject as I’ll most certainly be lashed out at. She talks about suicide any time things don’t go her way and is a master at manipulation and guilt trips. Don’t get me wrong, she can also be incredibly wonderful, caring and supportive and sacrificed a lot as a parent. But the flip side of her personality is destroying me. I have my own health issues and chronic pain as well but nothing to her degree. I’m mentally physically and emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore. I have high functioning Asperger’s so I can over react to things. Am I being unreasonable thinking she can do more for herself? I don’t want to marginalize her pain and suffering but I need to take care of myself too. Thanks for listening.

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You are being abused by a mentally ill person. Please know her mental or physical illnesses are no excuse at all for the abuse. No one should accept abuse at all. It’s time for you to bow out of this entirely as your brothers have wisely done. You’re the only one who can protect your health, mom doesn’t care about it. Stop saying you “have to” because you don’t, you can choose to protect yourself and let mom be cared for by others. Move home, let her know she will need another caregiver, and don’t accept any pushback. Don’t feel like you have to explain or justify your actions, she will never get it anyway. I wish you much courage and peace
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It's time to say, "No" and move back to your home, away from the abuse. She can get placed or she can hire helpers. You are not qualified to be an in home caregiver to someone with mental illness. You might also want to look into therapy. Sit your mom down and tell her you won't be coming back. Call or text your brothers and let them know the same.
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