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I live in Valparaiso, Indiana. I retired early to care for her, but I feel like I really need help now. I cannot get her to engage in anything meaningful and I feel as though I'm failing my mom. I need some guidance and assistance but I'm not sure that just any caregiver will be beneficial; maybe I'm wrong in that regard. Looking for suggestions and leads.

I am willing to bet you are an excellent, loving caregiver and in no way “failing” your mom. No one can keep the disease from progressing. You could have the top ten world experts on Alzheimer’s by her side all day, every day — and over time, she would still continue to get worse.

That said, I think it would be good to get an aide to come in four hours per day or send her to adult day care for part of the day / week to give YOU a break.

Either way, you would be able to chat with the aide or the daycare personnel to hear what they find helps Alz patients in general and your mom in particular. And how this is not your fault. It’s this terrible disease.

If possible, find a caregiver support group also. Also, check Teepa Snow. Videos on YouTube.
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Reply to Suzy23
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I am a former CNA and caregiver and my mom also had vascular dementia. You can find a good and qualified person to interact and take care of your mom but you'll have to be very selective. Try looking into your local home care companies in your area or go to care.com. Or, even better, put the work out that you're looking for a mature responsible reliable engaging person to help with your mom. You have not done anything wrong at all... It's just time for you to have some additional help. My best to you.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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You're not failing your mom! Her diseased brain is no longer capable of being interested in her usual things, and that's okay. Things that are meaningful to you are no longer meaningful to her, and they will never be again. Engage on her level.

With my mom it was Elvis movie videos. She even thought she was going to marry him, and she bought a ring one day when she was out with her caregiver. This was pure nonsense, but I went along with it and we had interesting (?) conversations about it. That is, they were interesting to her. They were pure fantasy, and she wouldn't remember them from one time to another, but it was all we had. She didn't even know who I was by then. Soon she couldn't talk at all due to the progression of dementia, and that was fine, too. I was tired of making up things about Elvis anyway, and she was comfortable staying in bed and watching Elvis videos one after another all day long.

I've known various caregivers who have been hired by families to just sit and talk with their loved ones. Sometimes they go to the memory care facility and chat with them for a couple of hours. (Often with no response, I might add.) One lady hired a male caregiver to visit her husband in care and walk him around to watch birds in the garden or sit and watch TV together. Something like that might work with your mom, but don't expect any of this to be on mom's former level or on some level you think it should be, such as discussing world news.

Mom will not improve. At some time, you'll need to let her just slip away into whatever is going on in her head, if anything. This is my husband's level now. Appreciate every day the level mom's on, because it will get much worse. More advice: Don't worry so much. You're not running a kindergarten for dementia patients. What happens happens at this stage, and it's not your fault.
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Reply to Fawnby
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