She has no responsibility whatsoever, gets waited on hand and foot, watches tv and her tablet all day, but would rather go in her incontinence product than TRY to get up, and takes pleasure in watching me clean the bathroom and change her bedding once she actually does get up, like I owe her the luxury of doing this. It’s very manipulative and cruel. Showering is the same thing, she smells up the whole house and then if you talk to her about showering, she tries to act like a victim. She doesn’t qualify for a nursing home or an aide, because there is nothing technically wrong with her. She’s just controlling and manipulative.
Don't let the whining change your mind! Get your life back!
She is displaying typical behavior of dementia.
How do you know, or what makes you think she "takes pleasure in watching you clean the bathroom and change her bedding"? It sounds like you are making an assumption, based on previous history with her.
Has your mother always been a manipulator? If so, how did she manipulate you into your current role? And why do you do it?
If this is new behavior, it is very common for adults with dementia to act this way. Taking offense is only hurting you. They do not understand their actions and it requires a lot of patience on your part to manage their care needs.
There is no qualifying for an in-home aide. You can hire one if you want their services. Well, you don't pay for it, your mom does. And changing incontinent products, cleaning the bathroom, changing the bedding, and helping with showering is EXACTLY what In-home care aides do.
If mom refuses to hire and pay for an aide, that doesn't mean you have to provide those services as a care slave. Just STOP. Really. Stop. You are giving your mother the false impression that she can live independently. She is not independent if you are doing all those things for her. Stop doing it and let her figure out how to resolve her care requirements. If you are agreeable, she could pay you as her in-home caregiver. If you reach that agreement, you should speak to an elder law attorney and create a caregiver contract, including the services you will provide, the hours, and the pay you are to receive. DO NOT COUNT ON INHERITING ANYTHING to compensate you for your trouble.
It sounds like you are living with your abusive mother. Why? You need to live independently, and let her manage her own life.
Then get her evaluated for dementia immediately. Once she's diagnosed, THEN she will qualify for Skilled Nursing care.
Incontinence is one of many signs of dementia, along with not wanting to shower too.
You are not doing your mom(or yourself) any favors by being in denial about what truly is going on with her, and the sooner you can get her diagnosed and get yourself better educated about the horrific disease of dementia, the better off you and your mom will be.
First I have to ask why she is living with you.
Second I have to ask why you put up with it.
If she is able bodied then she cleans her own bedding, he own clothing.
While she will not qualify for a "nursing home" the terms now accepted is Skilled Nursing Facility she may well need Assisted Living possibly Memory Care or if she does begin to care for herself then she might do well in Independent Living.
As I said I find it difficult to believe that she does not have some cognitive problems. But if she does not then it is time for you to have a very frank discussion with her.
You tell her that you are done.
You tell her that you and she are going to begin looking for a facility that can meet her care needs. Set up several tours.
Give her 30 days.
You may have to go to Court and LEGALLY evict her. If that does happen you have to follow the time line established by the Court. It may take you 60 to 90 days to get a Court date and the Judge may give her another 30 days to vacate. So you may be looking at 4 to 6 more months. But in that time you need to set and stick to boundaries that you establish.
And a side comment....
If at anytime in this process she is hospitalized you tell the care team, the discharge person, the Social Worker that you are unable to safely care for her at home any longer. It is no longer safe for you to do so.
Your question is grammatical and well written, so you have brains and you had a reasonable education. There seems to be no reason for you to behave abnormally as well as 'mother'.
Time for her to go into a facility rather than what you've got going on.
Please consider your lack of boundaries for yourself. You need to defend them because she's never going to acknowledge them.
No "normal" person acts like this. There are certain types of people who are not elderly and don't have dementia who will though. They derive a cruel sort of pleasure knowing that someone has to clean up their crap and urine. It's a kind of power trip.
I had care clients like this over the years. They had no difficulty getting to their toilets when there wasn't a family member or paid caregiver in the home to clean it up. I used to call it 'selective incontinence'. I had one client who would soil up everything when she knew I was coming. One time she collected her excrement, put it onto a chux pad and threw it at me from her bed. I cleaned it up, put it onto the same chux pad, and threw it right back at her then walked away. I quit that agency that very day and went into private duty cases only.
I worked for a sweet old lady who had her son and DIL living with her. The DIL was morbidly obese but could get around and didn'd even use a walker. She would pee and crap in adult diapers all day. She'd get up and walk a few feet once a day to use the bathroom. The rest of the time she would take her soiled diaper off and stick it in a garbage bag next to her recliner in the living room. These were big black Hefty bags filled with soiled adult diapers. At any given time there would be at least two or three full bags in the living room. She expected me to dispose of them and clean up after her. No way. I didn't work for her and always refused. She would call my supervisor every day and get told the same thing. I didn't work for her. Some people even if they're not old and don't have dementia like the power trip of watching someone cleaning up their crap.