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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Ah, I had that same problem. IDK why, but my mom was my worst 'trigger'. Not enough therapy in the world to explain to me WHY, but the best thing I ever did was go grey rock with her when she was in 'a mood'.
My girls do this to me. I actually told them to, that if I was bugging them, to not answer my calls or texts and I'd respect the distance until whatever was going on had passed.
I also egged my mom on and I know I made her crazy at times. For that, I am not proud, but by the end of her life, we were on good terms.
You mother has Dementia and your previous posts says shevis in an AL. You don't argue back. She can't be reasoned with. Just agree with her. Or let her rant. Ifbit gets too much, leave. Ask the staff if she is like this with them. If the answer is no, then u may be a trigger.
Limit your talks to just once a week and quit "egging her on." Haven't you learned by now that you'll NEVER win an argument with someone who has dementia?
You can refrain from egging her on by not doing that anymore. Just stop doing that.
You're an adult, not a child. So when you're talking to her and she starts the fight instigating, handle it like the rational adult without dementia that you are.
Tell her in simple and plain language that her behavior will not be tolerated. Then you end the call or visit.
This is how you deal with her behavior. If she cannot control herself and cannot interact with you on any level without picking a fight, stop interacting with her altogether. Let the AL she lives in keep you updated. Or stop calling her and visit in person once or twice a month with a third person present. Having another person with you reduce or even prevent her from instigating a fight with you.
Gary, I would bet you can tell how your mom greets you what her mood is.
When it shows up at hello that she's looking for a fight, you tell her you just had a minute, wanted to call, stop by give her a hug and tell her you love her and now you gotta run and leave or hang up.
Can't argue with someone that isn't listening, stop listening to her provocations.
You can do a search for “grey rock phrases” and get pages of suggestions. It’s all about responding in a way that doesn’t invite further discussion on the topic. Answers like “hmm interesting” or “I don’t have an opinion on that” or “I’ll take that into consideration” can help stop a conversation in its tracks.
Are you arguing with her because she has a broken brain, and you are trying to "correct" her? That's ridiculous. You can not make a broken brain understand things from your perspective. When she says something that is inaccurate, let it go. You don't need to correct her. It is futile.
If she is argumentative because she's always been that way, then why would you engage? Unless you enjoy the argument, or you feel a need to "win".
Let it go, either way. Change the subject, or just stop talking, or turn around and walk away.
My bil had the same problem with his mom. No matter what he said, if she was in one of her "moods," she just kept getting more and more agitated. The director of the SNF told him to just say to her, "I see you're upset right now. We'll talk when you're feeling better." And to just hang up, or end the visit. Once they're on that trajectory, there's really no stopping it and so removing yourself might be the only option.
You do not judge. You reflect her words back to her.
And, equally important, you check yourself - your own feelings and triggers. And then you step back ... you listen ... then you tell yourself: "she is 95, she is scared, she doesn't feel safe ... she is angry she is so dependant on others ...
Then, with this realization, you develop compassion. And, you respond to her through compassionate presence.
I really feel sad that you feel xxx I know how hard it is for you to (feel) xxx I feel xxx (sad), too. I love you.
The best you can do is be an active listener ... so she will know you hear her. This is the ultimate respect and care you can give her now. She wants to be heard and know that she matters. Isn't 'just' an old 95 year old that no one listens to.
You do not engage in any arguing at all.
If you do not know how to respond, say:
Good point (acknowledge her / validate her) ... I'll think about that and get back to you.
(I did this often with my client(s) who had memory loss or advanced dementia. You don't have to have all the answers on the spot. You acknowlege and leave the door open for future discussion.
This is how you refrain from egging her on.
Listen, respond with companionate reflective listening, check yourself and your automatic responses ... and before they come out, reframe by understanding how she feels about herself. Project yourself into her shoes. She likely is also depressed.
Try a massage. Massage her hands or head or feet if it feels good to her. Shift talking to sensation (touch). This is very powerful.
If you are triggered, step back. Take care of yourself.
If you cannot deal with your mother’s dementia, stop all talking with her. Do you both live together? Then move out and away from her. Your mother’s behavior is inexcusable and warrants no respect from anyone. And she should be placed into memory care.
When I was in therapy, my therapist told me to try these saying, depending on the subject..."What an interesting thought", "Thank you for your input", "That is one way to look at it", "I did the best I knew how to at the time", "I am sorry you feel that way". Then SHUT UP. just go on with the conversation or change the subject. ;
Realize that your loved one does not have the ability to comprehend everything in discussions or to make clear deductions. Stick to safe subjects that tend to keep her emotions in check. When you realize she is heading for an emotional flare-up, change the subject to a less emotionally-charged one. If she gets angry with every conversation with every person, talk to her doctor about medication to help her relax and not be anxious or agitated.
Save your "important conversations" for people who can comprehend and contribute to your understanding and well-being.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My girls do this to me. I actually told them to, that if I was bugging them, to not answer my calls or texts and I'd respect the distance until whatever was going on had passed.
I also egged my mom on and I know I made her crazy at times. For that, I am not proud, but by the end of her life, we were on good terms.
Haven't you learned by now that you'll NEVER win an argument with someone who has dementia?
You're an adult, not a child. So when you're talking to her and she starts the fight instigating, handle it like the rational adult without dementia that you are.
Tell her in simple and plain language that her behavior will not be tolerated. Then you end the call or visit.
This is how you deal with her behavior. If she cannot control herself and cannot interact with you on any level without picking a fight, stop interacting with her altogether. Let the AL she lives in keep you updated. Or stop calling her and visit in person once or twice a month with a third person present. Having another person with you reduce or even prevent her from instigating a fight with you.
When it shows up at hello that she's looking for a fight, you tell her you just had a minute, wanted to call, stop by give her a hug and tell her you love her and now you gotta run and leave or hang up.
Can't argue with someone that isn't listening, stop listening to her provocations.
Hang up the phone?
Leave the AL?
Agree with her?
The other alternative is that you don't see her or call her anymore. Sad, but maybe it's necessary for both of you.
Are you arguing with her because she has a broken brain, and you are trying to "correct" her? That's ridiculous. You can not make a broken brain understand things from your perspective. When she says something that is inaccurate, let it go. You don't need to correct her. It is futile.
If she is argumentative because she's always been that way, then why would you engage? Unless you enjoy the argument, or you feel a need to "win".
Let it go, either way. Change the subject, or just stop talking, or turn around and walk away.
I hear you saying XXX
So, you feel xxx
I hear you wanting xxx
You do not judge. You reflect her words back to her.
And, equally important, you check yourself - your own feelings and triggers.
And then you step back ... you listen ... then you tell yourself: "she is 95, she is scared, she doesn't feel safe ... she is angry she is so dependant on others ...
Then, with this realization, you develop compassion. And, you respond to her through compassionate presence.
I really feel sad that you feel xxx
I know how hard it is for you to (feel) xxx
I feel xxx (sad), too. I love you.
The best you can do is be an active listener ... so she will know you hear her.
This is the ultimate respect and care you can give her now.
She wants to be heard and know that she matters. Isn't 'just' an old 95 year old that no one listens to.
You do not engage in any arguing at all.
If you do not know how to respond, say:
Good point (acknowledge her / validate her) ...
I'll think about that and get back to you.
(I did this often with my client(s) who had memory loss or advanced dementia.
You don't have to have all the answers on the spot. You acknowlege and leave the door open for future discussion.
This is how you refrain from egging her on.
Listen, respond with companionate reflective listening, check yourself and your automatic responses ... and before they come out, reframe by understanding how she feels about herself. Project yourself into her shoes.
She likely is also depressed.
Try a massage. Massage her hands or head or feet if it feels good to her.
Shift talking to sensation (touch). This is very powerful.
If you are triggered, step back. Take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
;
Save your "important conversations" for people who can comprehend and contribute to your understanding and well-being.