My mom has vascular dementia/alzhtimers and my dad had a stroke 11 years ago in a wheelchair and unable to do anything for himself. My mom isn't too bad right now but she can not be left alone . I cook, clean, laundry, help with dad. She has been his caregiver donce his stroke. She was diagnosed 2 years ago. She still wants to be the main caregiver I let her think she is. We fixed our basement up like an apartment and they live there. My husband and I live upstairs. My mom is getting a little off balance. We had a chair lift for the stairs because my husband is disabled and in a wheelchair also. The chair lift broke a couple weeks ago. Mom was using it to come up and down the stairs. Since it broke I got an intercalm system. All she has to do is push a button and tell me she needs me and.i go down. She refuses to use it and still goes on the stairs. Im afraid she.going to lose her balance and fall. We have told her over and over again and left signs up to i a e the intercalm. She refuses. Thinking about putting a door at bottom of stairs so she can't get on them! Is that mean?
In my opinion, this isn’t a good idea for your parents or for you. I’m so sorry you are in this position.
Is the idea to just leave them both down there indefinitely? Are these stairs the only way in or out of this space? Do you have any help?
Call the fire department and have them come check it out and tell you what you need to do to make it safe. It’s hard for me to visualize. With three handicapped people you need all the resources you can find.
Your husband needs to be your top priority, and your parents now need to be placed in the appropriate facility where they will receive the 24/7 care they now require, and you can get back to just being their daughter, and not their burned out caregiver. And you can then once again make your husband and marriage your top priority.
Please look for a good local facility and transition your parents into it. Tell them its temporary, or whatever it takes to get them to move out. They of course will have to pay for it themselves. If they don't have the funds, then your Dad at least should qualify for LTC and then eventually Medicaid. Your Mom may be able to apply for some sort of county program or waiver that may help pay for her residence in an AL.
Contact your local Area Agency on Aging for resources. Or, call your county's social services to discuss options.
You can probably install a door but that won't prevent your Mom from freaking out and banging on it all day long. Loss of empathy for others is a hallmark of dementia. She won't ask you to stop before you grind yourself into a pulp. The dementia prevents her mind from going there. But if she were her prior parent self, she wouldn't ever want to be the one responsible for doing that to you. Nor your Dad. I say this as a parent of 3 adult sons. I've already told them I don't ever want them or their spouses doing hands-on care for me and my husband.
Your husband and yourself are your #1 priority. This doesn't mean you don't love your parents dearly. You have to know what the priorities are or you will eventually not be able to regain your life. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort things out.
This is more than you can manage.
1. You take care of your husband.
2. You are taking care of your dad.
3. You are taking care of your mom.
This is not sustainable.
As a matter of fact at this point it is dangerous for your parents to be living in the basement. If there was an emergency there is no way you would be able to get dad, mom, your husband and yourself out of the house safely.
Your mom will not use the intercom because she "forgets" either to use it or how to use it. No matter how many times you tell her she will not retain the information.
Placing a door at the bottom of the stairs would be more of a danger because you would be less likely to hear her or your dad if they called out or if they fell.
You are going to have to make a very difficult decision.
You need caregiver that will help them and take a bit of pressure off you.
or
You need to find placement for both mom and dad.
Unfortunately since dad is not walking most MC would not accept him (I say MC because then mom and dad could be together. If dad walks some then MC might be an option. Most facilities other than Skilled Nursing or Rehab can not use equipment to transfer a person.
Mom will need MC. The fact that it does not sound like she has any other "medical" conditions she would not qualify for Skilled Nursing.
For you taking care of 3 other people is going to eventually break you.
If dad or mom is a Veteran the VA may be of help. If your husband is a Veteran the VA may be able to help. At this point even a little help will help a lot.
You can find out if they qualify by contacting the local Veterans Assistance Commission in your area.
This will not get easier..this will get more difficult as mom declines and needs more help and your dad will need more help as well. You can't continue to do it all.
And I would say the same thing even if you get the chair lift repaired
There may come a time OP can't/ doesn't want to do stairs.
I don't recommend a door because it cuts them off. Mom could see us going back and forth upstairs. But maybe a Dutch door? Or the bottom of it at least. You can put a lock on it far enough down that Mom can't reach it.
I think, as the others have said, you should look into other separate arrangements. You've been amazingly dedicated to deal with all this, but with your mother's health, both physical and cognition, declining, it's just too much to handle it all safely. Plus it must be exhausting for you.
She could lose her balance, cause you to lose your balance, and you will both go tumbling down.
It is not safe for two elders who are unable to use the stairs to be kept in the basement. They could get trapped there. Especially if your solution is to put a door at the bottom of the stairs! How do they get out of there in an emergency?
Please - Fix the stair lift, or find somewhere else for your parents to be safely cared for.