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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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The elder with dementia no longer gets to call the shots. Mom can go home "when the doctor says she's well enough to" which is never, but don't add in the never part.
Why would you move her from a place that ensures her wellbeing and is a safer environment? Just because she is trying to strong arm you and plead does not mean you to do what she wants. She's trying to wear you down.
Roles are now reversed. You need to be the adult and say no. I realize it's difficult because the parent - child dynamic is reversed but you need to be unwavering in this decision.
Best of luck. You know bringing her home isnt the decision you should even question.
No. This is quite typical, and your mother would not be in ALF had it not been deemed necessary. Don't be responsible for her happiness; you are not. Don't accept any attempts she makes to place inappropriate feelings of guilt; you didn't cause her ailing issues and you cannot fix them; guilt requires causation. You should switch to the other G-word which is grief. Grieve with her, because grief is appropriate and end of life is a sad time.
My mom thinks she will be going home, she even has everything packed. She lives in memory care and is level 6 (and sometimes 7) Alzheimer’s. I tell her she needs to stay at least until tomorrow. That satisfies her for the moment and that’s all I can do. She has no home to return to, it was sold to pay for memory care. When dementia takes their mind, all we can do is protect their bodies.
Very true. While in MC, my mother would insist she was fine and could come home with me to help me cook and clean. She was wheelchair bound and incontinent.
My mom's health began to improve after being in memory care for a while. She started shopping for mini-houses online. Her plan was to get someone to let her live in a mini-house on their land. She would have spent every last cent and had nothing left for her care. She did not like being told "no" but it was the best for her. It's been over a year and she has gone from walking with a cane or walker to being wheelchair bound. Her eyesight might also be getting worse, as has her hearing. I'm so glad no one listened to her to let her go home with them. It would have been a terrible situation. At her current facility she is safe, has friends, and frequent group activities. It is also close to my home so I can visit her when I want to. At some point those with dementia get to where they want to escape their situation and the best idea they have is to "go home." You just have to stand strong.
One option might be to say that she can go home if she can arrange it herself and care for herself when she gets there. Then give her the house keys, and make sure that the bed is made and there is food available. It is quite likely to take about 24 hours for her to realise that she can't do this 'independently', and that she is relying on you to prop her up. The choice is actually yours, not hers.
Of course you shouldn't take her home. She is now where she is safe and well cared for and that is what is most important now, especially with her having dementia which you know will only continue to get worse. You can always lie and tell her that she can perhaps come home if and when her doctor says she can and then make sure that you and her doctor are on the same page of keeping her where she's at.
Since you posted this under ALZ & Dementia I'm assuming she's there because she can no longer safely remain in her home without a lot of orbiting by family. If so, keep remembering why she was transitioned there to begin with.
If she's asking to "go home" -- especially in the afternoons -- this is part of Sundowning, a cognitive phenomenon that is part of dementia. Most of the time the person is referring to a childhood home or some mythical home where they are imagining they were safe and happy. Do not go visit her in the afternoons. Don't answer her phone calls in the afternoon. If she's no on meds for depression and anxiety then maybe it's time to consider this. Talk to her primary care doctor.
When she starts in on this topic you tell her, "Your doctor says he will reevaluate you to move out when you can demonstrate all your ADLs". Then distract her or change the subject. Maybe take her to some event or activity within the facility and leave before it ends (make sure an aid knows you are leaving her there).
She doesn't get to drive the bus of her care anymore.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Roles are now reversed. You need to be the adult and say no. I realize it's difficult because the parent - child dynamic is reversed but you need to be unwavering in this decision.
Best of luck. You know bringing her home isnt the decision you should even question.
You can always lie and tell her that she can perhaps come home if and when her doctor says she can and then make sure that you and her doctor are on the same page of keeping her where she's at.
If she's asking to "go home" -- especially in the afternoons -- this is part of Sundowning, a cognitive phenomenon that is part of dementia. Most of the time the person is referring to a childhood home or some mythical home where they are imagining they were safe and happy. Do not go visit her in the afternoons. Don't answer her phone calls in the afternoon. If she's no on meds for depression and anxiety then maybe it's time to consider this. Talk to her primary care doctor.
When she starts in on this topic you tell her, "Your doctor says he will reevaluate you to move out when you can demonstrate all your ADLs". Then distract her or change the subject. Maybe take her to some event or activity within the facility and leave before it ends (make sure an aid knows you are leaving her there).
She doesn't get to drive the bus of her care anymore.
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