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Her refusal to go includes 2-year-old type temper tantrums. I was able to get her to go look at an independent living facility, but when we got there she literally acted deaf, blind, dumb, and asleep the entire time, so she wouldn’t have to live there. I don’t know what to do.

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You, like many of us, are waiting for “The Big Event” that will land her in the ER and then to “unsafe discharge” and then to a facility.
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Reply to southernwave
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Mine is 86 and at early stage of dementia……very stubborn. Doesn’t want to go to doctor also. So I told her fine, it’s your life, not fighting her anymore. Just don’t want to hear her whining about things hurting.
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Reply to Momlittr
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Next hospitalization, do an unsafe discharge. Sorry, but your mom is not safe living alone. Please realize this. Your mom should be living in a personal care home with memory care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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Well first off if she's showing signs of dementia, she wouldn't belong in independent living anyway, so not sure what you were thinking there, but would more than likely belong in assisted living or even memory care depending how far along she is in her dementia.
So other than trying the story line that her Medicare now requires her to go once a year for a physical(which some actually do), and then slip her doctor a note ahead of time explaining what is going on with your mom, so they can "test" her, you will have to wait for something bad to happen that lands her in the ER, and then you let the hospital know that she cannot return home as she is an "unsafe discharge" and they will then have to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And guaranteed something bad will happen, it's just a matter of time.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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If you are not her PoA then you may not have any power to make her go anywhere or do anything, anyway. Just having a diagnosis won't get her into a facility if she has no PoA or legal guardian. And, even if she does she can physically resist moving and that's on a whole other level.

If you go into her house and it doesn't seem in total disarray, and there isn't rotting food anywhere, and her mail is opened and her bills are paid then she mostly may have some personality disorder causing her temper tantrums.

If there are other signs of declining ADLs and you can't get her to agree to make decisions in her own best interests, you have some options:

- when you go there and she's acting beligerent call 911 and tell them she's agitated and combative and may have a UTI. Go to the ER with her and let the discharge people know she's an "unsafe discharge" resisting help and has no PoA and you won't do it. You cal then talk to a social worker to see if she can be discharged directly into AL or MC. I think first they may want to deal with her combativeness and may put her in the psych wing until she complies with meds.

- if you can't get her to the ER you report her to APS. Take video of the inside of her residence, video her having a meltdown, etc. so that you have proof. Eventually she will become the ward of a court-appointed guardian and they will take care of all her care and decisions and manage all her affairs.

I'm so sorry about this stressful situation. I wish you success in getting her the appropriate care and peace in your heart as to however it happens.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You get legal authority to manage her care (if she is medically deemed unable to make decisions for her own well being, i.e., dementia).

* You do not argue ever.
* You tell her 'we're going out to lunch ... then take her to the MD. Period.

You learn to take control as she cannot.
If she is determined to be of sound mind, you let go.
You learn that you can do so much and you need to stop.
While it is a very sad reality, many elders decline due to a lack of self-care while still being considered legally of sound mind to make their own decisions.

The other scenario that often happens:
* She will have a fall and end up in the ER. Then, afterwards transferred to either rehab or a nursing home (or wherever).
* Call Adult Protective Services (APS) and ask them to make a house call to assess her / needs.
* Clearly, you do not ever 'ask her' to go xxx. You just take her ... it is for her own benefit and she won't understand that ... she will blame you ... you need to know / feel confident in knowing you are doing what you do for her well-being, even if she doesn't understand that.

She is cognitively impaired, scared, likely may not know what is happening to her (brain) ... give her compassion while taking control.

Of course she won't want to move, live in a facility ... with strangers. Who would at 87 years old (well, just a small percentage perhaps). She is doing what she can to maintain the independence she feels she has ... and wants. She will fight to the end for that. Transitions like these are VERY DIFFICULT and heartbreaking for everyone concerned. She will adjust and it may take a while.

You do what you can for her and then you let go.
First, be sure all the legal documentation is in order.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Updated Info: My brother is health care POA, and I handle all her financial affairs. Hi is as outdone as I am. Someone comes in 5 days a week for 4 hrs. She is very verbally abusive to the care giver, and throws things at her. Mom has some eye issues, and was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment 4 yrs ago. She doesn’t take any psych meds.
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Reply to GCMY12
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At 87, let her do what she wants or not. When the event happens that requires placement, the chips will fall where they may.
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Reply to LakeErie
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She sounds like a character. My mom refused the tea and cake they gave her on her first visit to the assisted living facility and would not even speak to them, acted as if she was being tortured, glaring at me while I talked with them about her. This might take a while for you to get her to a doctor and into a safer place to live. You did get her to go see a facility, so that's a start. Sometimes it takes a doctor's recommendation, that is if she trusts doctors. Is there any way you could get other people who live in that facility to talk to her or have a staff member from the facility go to her home to talk with her? If the signs of dementia are new and she does not admit to having memory issues, it seems there is going to be a battle and all you can do is keep trying. So sorry.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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I’m sure at her age you could request a home appointment
old people seem adverse to going to doctors
or maybe say you’re going for your yearly check up so can book hers as well
? Good luck
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Reply to Jenny10
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