She’s very defensive, rude in public, makes embarrassing scenes when interacting with landscapers, mechanics, wait staff. She’s always been self centered and dismissed anything going on in everyone else’s life.
I find it difficult to visit because of the emotional exhaustion I experience. It is traumatic to have her scream and cry like she does. My siblings and I are not on the same page. I think she’s depressed and showing signs of dementia. My one sibling dismisses me when I bring it up and says she needs to exercise and we should be more patient and that we owe her. This is the one who takes her to doctor appointments and when she does, my mother’s mini cog test comes back perfect. She failed when I took her.
bottom line, I feel like a terrible daughter for not finding the love I should have for my mom. I’m sick over this.
I'm wondering if this is what's going on here, when you took mom to the doctors
You don't have to visit, honestly if mom brings you down for your health you shouldn't visit.
I completely laid down the law to my family, they all know what I am willing to do and what I won't do, and also most importantly, how they are going to treat me!!! My mother needs me, my family needs me, they all know without a doubt, I will walk if they ever push me again, and if I'm not treated with respect.
We all deserve respect, we all have the right to walk away, if we are not respected.
Or was there a time when she wasn't thusly limited, and was a kind and loving woman.
It goes against the laws of nature to love an abuser.
It's not healthy for sure , but it happens all the time.
Having someone with BiPolar must be like walking on eggshells all the time. You never know what kind of mood they will be in. My cousin, I call, he may pick up he may not. He may not like something I said and get upset with me. He gets glad later. I go with the flow. He lives on the other side of the country. If I had to live with him or near him, it would be hard. I know I could not take the being OK one day and the manic the next day.
Your not a terrible daughter. Its hard to love someone who is like this. You take their actions personally.
You say that your mother has made a point that you kids are INDEBTED to your parents.
You say that is where the guilt comes from.
But you are wrong. The guilt comes from your willingness to choose to accept what someone says simply because she says it, and even when you know it is nonsense.
Our parents have children, and WE have children either because we plan and WANT Them or because we are insufficiently proficient in using birth control. And it is the PARENT who owes the child a decent honest home, food, loving care. The child pays that forward to their OWN children.
Only a selfish Narcissistic person believes their child OWES them, and demands fealty as tho they captured a slave rather than had a child.
You are a grown adult.
If you choose to BELIEVE this cruel and selfish woman then that's on YOU.
You can instead tell her the facts of life so that next life she doesn't have a child as some sort of misbegotten insurance policy.
Time to level with your mother and make a quality life for yourself.
If you choose to be martyred by her no one will thank you. Not her. No one.
It's up to you. Get some therapy and think about all this. EVERY day is a new day, and it is never too late, and this is all in YOUR OWN HANDS.
Your mom will never respect you as long as you are her muddy door mat.
You and I owe them NOTHING as we have paid dearly with their abuse.
Not. One. Thing.
You have my blessing to stop visiting her if that is what you want.
leave the FOG— no fear, obligation or guilt
Most of us (including me) can’t get away from a strong connection to a difficult parent, but it certainly doesn’t always include love. Decide for yourself how you feel, what you want to do, and what boundaries will work for you. Your sister feels differently. Be grateful that she does.
And that is not your fault. Or problem.
The “honor thy mother” does not mean you should take her abuse. The “but it’s your mother!” is also not applicable when she wasn’t a good mother to you. Yes, she fed you, changed your diapers, all that… but guess what? She CHOSE to have you. Even if you were an “oops”, she chose to go ahead with the pregnancy. That’s on her. You didn’t ask to be here. She cannot hold
power over you for something she decided to do (have you).
Say you’re in a job you don’t enjoy. You kind of dread going to work every day. Because each day as soon as you take one step in the door? The boss immediately gets in your face. Is rude. Reminds you how annoyed he is with you. You can’t do anything right. All criticism, all the time.
But you keep going in daily and don’t intend to quit. Because he’s your boss and you should respect him. He signs your paychecks. He is your employer. You should feel obliged and grateful, and always smiling and upbeat. ”I can’t just quit! He’d be furious! I owe him. I just need to feel better about him.”
See how insane that sounds? Is your mental health not important?
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