My mother insists on going home. She threatens to call a taxi to take her back. Any advice?

My Mother was getting so many scam calls I took her land line phones out of her apartment. I stay with her 24 x 7 and anyone who wants to talk to her can call on my cell phone. It works out better than a landline as I can put the speaker on and any words she cannot hear I repeat with exaggerated lip movements and she gets what the caller is saying and responds. The scammers do not call on my phone and I can filter out any that might come through.

Lassie: I hear you! My mother, who had "poverty income" of $1,223 a month was ready give away her last dollar to the person on the other end of the phone....that is until I had to move in with her from 400 miles away. I was appalled when I took over the balancing of her checkbook and saw she gave to every organization who preyed on her elderly age. Oh, my...your mother went to meet the man at Walgreen's!Bravo to you for shouting the F bomb at that scammer! I took control of EVERYTHING at my mother's telling the person on the phone from the FOP "DO NOT CALL HERE AGAIN!" In fact, another long story short--the Red Cross had made my husband give blood 6 TIMES IN ONE YEAR! He became horribly sick. They called relentlessly. The last time I had to lie and say "He died!"

Let me tell you one thing about taxis. (this is also connected with Scam Artists, another topic altogether). After my mother gave a scam artist who called her house 20 times a day or more ( ! ) $400 in visa card gift cards from a drugstore (she bought them there and gave them to a nice man there who had called her 20 times a day for weeks,  and gave her some 'you may be a winner' story - she was still driving at the time and went to meet him at Walgreens! ) - I then changed her phone number to unlisted.  And that son of a beeyotch was doing things like sending her pizzas from down the street that she didn't order. He was sending taxis to her house to take her to the drugstore to buy more visa card gift cards... One of the taxi drivers took her to small claims court for $25!  He said she called her and he came from across town to pick her up.   My mother hadn't EVER called for a taxi in her life.   He showed up, she refused the ride.   It was the scammer who had called....  So - She and I had to go downtown to the courthouse in the heat of August to small claims court. The arbitrator could see mom was not quite with it and it was dismissed....That horrible taxi driver waited outside and just about spat on the ground with rage - over $25! - and called me an ugly woman! I told him to go F himself and go pound salt. Oh, it was lovely. I refused to pay that $25 cab fare that my mother did NOT call for, the scam artist did..... (I think he and the cab company were working in tandem. My husband said that low-rent taxi companies would do that, the scammers  would call a taxi on a cell phone and pay them to BRING THE CELL PHONE WITH THEM STILL ON IT TO MOM'S HOUSE - so the cab driver could bring the cell to my mother (say, 'you have a call on this phone very important)  and so be in contact with her again!   Have you ever heard of anything like that??   Apparently it's totally legal.  I guess husband was right! - taxi companies will do this for a few bucks here and a few bucks there.)   I could write a book.... And it all began with Publisher's Clearinghouse and snowballed into a nightmare of junk mail, begging letters, and scam artists.

Phew! This seems like a no-win situation all the way around. I can't imagine the stress you'll go through with her living with you! And her returning to her home with caregivers coming in doesn't seem like a workable solution. Why is she not in an NH? The Alzheimer's will not get better, but you already know that.

My 85 yo mother is living in an ALF and isn't to bad on the dementia level. Periodically she brings up, just last week in fact, that she wants to move into an apartment. This past time she wanted to move to a town quite a distance away because she has a friend that lives there. We discussed her reason for wanting to move there and she was concerned it would make me angry. I reassured her that it was her decision after I had pointed out the reasons why I didn't believe it could work. But the final decision was hers and that she could look into it and take any necessary steps to move. That is the last I'll hear about it for awhile. It seems she just needs the reassurance that it is her choice and not others making it for her. I used to try to argue with her about it and she would be very upset and say I didn't want her to be happy etc. Deflecting didn't work because she would fixate on it. This seems to be working at least for the time being. I really don't think she has the mental ability to call for a taxi or any apartments to make any arrangements. She certainly can't do it physically anyways.

Complete denial is very definitely a stage that most Alzheimer's patients go through, and it is very tiresome while it lasts. You will just have to tough it out. The patient seems alert and capable, so seems normal, but what is often totally lacking is a logical thread of argument, and people at this stage may often have short or long periods of being totally lost in time and space. Even if she managed to get into a taxi, she might be unable to give the driver the adress to take her to. Or may be wondering why she is sitting in a strange car with someone she doesn't know.

So the fury and denial are signs of a person still battling to be "normal", but the doctor may be experienced enough to see that the possibility for her to live at home alone 24/7 is past.
Try distraction if she really gets moody. Also, you can put up a notice of a false taxi number for her to call, or warn any local taxi company to refuse to send any taxi to your address unless the booking is made from your mobile or your husband's mobile number.

My own Alzheimer's friend took a long time to accept that she no longer needed money for a taxi fare home in her wallet. (In fact her old home is literally around the corner from her current nursing home, but exit from this building is prohibited for residents in mental care.)

Have her checked for UTI, have her seen by a doctor as she sounds like she needs anti-anxiety meds. My friend's aunt was put into a memory care place at age 80-something, 'escaped', and was footing it back 'home' along a busy highway! There was no 'home' to go back to, and luckily they found her a couple miles down the road.... I would have the phone taken out of her room, or any cell phone taken away or disabled. If she wants to make any calls, she can make them at the nurses's station, and they can be alerted to listen for or watch for any calling up of a  taxi service.  This will not be their first rodeo! ...Yes, yes,  I know, I know....but this is for her own good.  Hopefully, she will be unable to actually call a taxi to come 'bring her home'!   She will be getting worse with the dementia eventually, but you have to be sure while she still has some 'faculties' she isn't endangering herself.

What a sad situation. I know how she feels because I would feel the same. Immediately advise the staff not to allow her to come home, if this is the necessary case and to watch her. Second, can anyone walk/in and out of the home where she is? Does she have money for a cab. And alert the doctor at once. If she is very mental, you need a secure place for her at once.

Stupid question: Would she know how to call a taxi?
If not, let her have her delusions. I can tell you that neither my dad nor my husband would know how to call a taxi - so I would have just said, "go ahead."

Have you asked her, "why?" It is possible that just changing the way something is done might calm her down. I had to figure that out with my dad - let him do things his own way. I only stepped in when things didn't work out right.

Think of Mom as being a child, wanting to run away from home. Ask her what the problem is. How would Mom have handled it if you were still the child and wanted to run away from home. Sometimes simple solutions work best.

If your mom has the financial resources, I would look at an assisted living community that has a memory care section (which she may or may not need at first). It may be that her life has gotten so purposeless that she's longing to at least live it in her familiar surroundings. A move to a community would mean more activity and interaction for her and could distract from her feeling of wanting to be 'home'. I wouldn't expect that she would stop telling YOU that she wants to go home, but she likely would stop wanting to or being at risk for doing it.

Orbit60..
You should start this as a question of your own.
Short answer from me you should contact a lawyer.
It almost sounds like she needs a Guardian. Either a family member, that would be best or one appointed by the court.
But please to get better answers start another post.

much intelligent, practical advice from those who have lived thru this.
[[curious [may have missed the part] about how her old home is still available - when she moved in with you, her house was not sold?]]
well, all i can think of to add is - to anyone who's mom is NOT living with you: consider not answering her phone calls after the time at which you've observed that she is 'off' ['sundowning', threatening to move, calling the police...] my guilt over not answering has lessened as she makes no mention of it when next i talk with her. if she calls anytime between 7am to 11am i pick up. ha! now those are getting weird too!

My 55 year old Dev. Dis./sev. Handicap cousin is living in gov. Run group home in a neighboring state of C. TN . She is being stolen from by her caregivers. I discovered this 6 months ago in a visit when I sat down with her office at her center. I had never done that before as I am not her POA or Conservator, she is Is her own POA & Conservator. She also has the Mind of a 12 year old. I am her 90 year old mom’s POA. I care about my cousin very much . I have been trying to help watch over her and send her money and gifts from afar for as long as she has been in her gov. run home. But what I did not know was that the money, most gifts never were getting to her.
She went in almost 10 years ago when her own mom had to go in a nursing home. My father was alive then, and handled helping my cousin get into the group home, along with the help of her local chutch. But my father didn’t know my cousin needed a family member to look over her shoulder and be her conservitor & POA, so my cousin became her own.
We discovered that her gifts, monies and items that I and my family had been sending her were not being logged into my cousins log book. The Gov. run facility case mgr. ( said) he needed to call the police. He proceeded into another room. Had me come into his office to talk with ( he said an officer on the phone) . He claimed he was an off duty officer, that would volunteer- to take the case- since the town police force was understaffed. Said if he did not , volunteer- no telling when anyone would get to the case.
The case was swept under the rug.
I had receipts to back up missing items amounting to $1000 just for Xmas 3 months earlier...Plus years of thousands of dollars were missing, plus other big ticket gifts. The Case was closed without me being notified. I had called, emailed the police begging for their return call, and even protection form being scared concerning protection about the case, even in a neighboring state. Never got a return call from the police conserning helping me, or about the case being closed. I am visiting my cousin now. I am not staying with her of course, but the situation is tense now. My cousin will not tell on the caregivers- they threaten her- if she tells- she will continue to be reprimanded. This town is small, rural, everyone knows everyone.
This is her hometown. She wants to stay. There is No other group home that I know of . Now, they want to move my cousin into another home with only 3 of the same girls from her group home instead of all 7. One of the main staff is the one that steels from her and will be her main group home mom. There is a ring of 3 sister that have been working in the same house,  as the staff members and stealing from my cousin. One of the sisters- was fired- due to finding drugs in the home of where my cousin lived.  Plus, the or sister had so much drugs in her system they had to let her go.
I reported that the sisters were doing drugs in the house while on duty. I was told this by a current staff member that had only been there under a year. She trusted me and ratted. I never told how I knew of the drugs. The police who handed the investigation is who I told of the drug issue. The police never told.
The lady that told me- staff member- said she told them to hire a carpet cleaner. She said That the carpet cleaner found the drugs and reported it- but I am not suppose to know. Now the gov run office refuses to let me see anything- they say I am not her Conservator or POA. I have tried reaching out to get a pro bono Lawyer in Tenn for dissabeled, mentally retarded- no one will ever return my call. I am on a limited budget, my cousin on SS. In C. TN, they have the only law that says you can not have a state appointed conservator if you are under the age of 60. I have sent the major a letter, lobbied in Washington DC by the head of VOR on behalf of my cousin, sent letters to everyone thousands- I can’t get help to get Conservitorship. My cousin is being stolen from by her caregiver staff. They have a hireky over her clothes or closet, the mailbox, etc. When I send her new clothes-the sisters steal them.
The one new staff member I told you about that I trusted and worked in my cousins home, is now gone no longer in my cousins group home. The two sisters probably got her moved out of the home. They probably made up something on her to get her out. The other staff that I know and trust that has been working in my cousins house for  years have been threatened by the sisters, that they better not tell on them, or her life is at steak. The older lady will not tell. She needs her job- she is scared. The sisters are young.
My cousins case mgr- that ( said) he called the police- I believe is related to the sisters- and could also be stealing from my cousin- as well as the other ladies in the house that is her own POA. My cousin does not understand money, she rarely  gets any of her extra money to spend of her own. They take it. She can’t ask for it- they will reprimand her. She is scared and wants to stay in the town. What can I do?

Maybe you can compromise and take her home for a visit and see how she does on short visits. I don't blame her for wanting to go back home, so would I! If not for Alzheimer's, I wouldn't blame her for just walking out the door and up the street toward home, so would I

First you should consult an Elder Care Attorney to get all the proper papers in place. You may need to become her Guardian.

As to the "going home" Often when someone says they want to go home they want to go back to a time and place when they felt safe and well surrounded by loved ones.
Reassure her that she is safe, that you love her and see if you can get her to sit down and chat with you for a while.
This is difficult because all the "I want to go home" may have been preceded by some sort of stress either for her or another member of the family.
As to placing her in Memory Care that is up to you and the rest of the family. This will NOT get easier. Are you and the rest of the family up to the task of keeping her at home no matter what. When she is in a wheelchair? when she can not stand any longer? when she is bed bound?
Placing her while she is mobile is easier and probably easier since many Memory Care facilities will take someone while they are mobile, they will keep them as they decline and need more help but may will not take someone that needs "equipment" like a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer. They will tell you that a Nursing Home would be the only placement. (I understand that in some areas only Nursing Homes ..and re-hab...can use equipment to transfer.)
So discuss this with your family, how much are they willing to do, to give up. Is your house such that it will be safe for her and you to keep her with you. Large bathrooms, no carpet since that makes walkers and wheel chairs difficult to move, no stairs to deal with, wide halls and doors so equipment can be moved from room to room.

My mom went through the exact same thing after we found out that some of hers was due to a UTI and got that cleared up we got her into a geriatric psychiatrist who put her on some medications for agitation and anger she has gone downhill since,not due to Medicine,and has calmed down. We did get a DPOA when she was in stage 4. We had a lawyer who was willing to work on the spur of the moment when she had a lucid moment. I try to give her a feeling of control by letting her pay her bills with my help. I assure her many times a day she is loved and safe. Also when my mom progressed to next stage we had to adjust medicine because her agitation and anger got worse again. Prayers for you it’s very difficult.

Being in a care center with a doctor's order saying she can't live alone due to her terminal illness and danger, the care center won't release her no matter what she does. She would have to sneak out to do it. My dad was incontinent and not walking anymore in stage 5. If she still walks, and is not incontinent or is incontinent, you can get CNA's to come in 4+ hours a day to care for her, and an RN comes in too twice a week to take vitals, and a person that bathes them twice a week for free through hospice only because she has a terminal illness and of course if she is in your home. You just go to Hospice and sign them up. She doesn't realize it, but she is better off in the nursing home for her own safety. She can't leave. My dad was in a care center in the Dementia unit which was a large unit, and they lock the main doors so the patients can't run off out of the building. Even the visitors have to be let in to visit. The RNs have a code they punched on this number pad that let people come and go. She needs that type of unit.

I'd get legal advice from an Elder Law attorney about the options. Also, if she doesn't know the phone numbers or have money or card, she can't use a cab. Still, she may try to walk.

Is her doctor one who regularly treats dementia patients? My LO's doctor wrote an order that she enter a Secure Memory Care, due to her significant dementia and wandering. But, I also had DPOA and HCPOA. Not sure how it works if you don't. It may be that court options are more appropriate. The attorney would be able to provide you with that info.

That's a tough one, and I'm living much of your story with my mother right now. From my limited, but intense experience, your mother won't stop wanting to go home. I placed my 85 year old mother in assisted living this past June, and she calls me just about every day to tell me if I don't take her home, she's going to call a taxi, call a u-haul, or get a friend back home to come get her. My whole family needs a shrink just to process the daily drama she puts us through. Like you, we have not been able to distract my mother. I tried that, but she's onto my diversion tricks. She doesn't have dementia or Alzheimers, so she's wanting to go back to the home she left a few months ago. But she can barely get out of a chair; she falls often and is a serious fall risk; she can no longer prepare food (but in her mind she can), so going back home is not an option. I would advise you to do what you legally can to get POA. That's important when representing your mother with doctors, agencies, etc. Like you, my mother is in complete denial about her condition. I can't tell you what to do with your mother's living situation, but I will say that in my case I will not be taking my mother back home, as that would in my opinion be tantamount to neglect on my part. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far in life.

If this is a sudden change, it's a change in mental status and needs to be reported to her MD. Could be a UTI or it could be sun downing. In any event, she needs to be seen by her doctor.

Goodness, that's a hard one - so your mother has been in your home for roughly six weeks, and what she's just started saying she wants to go back to her own home? Any idea what triggered her agitation?

If it's available, I think it might be a good idea to get her admitted to a memory care facility for assessment. Also, check there isn't a u.t.i. if you haven't already done so, and speak to her or your doctor to see if they can make any practical suggestions.

You *could* think about taking her back to her house and staying with her for a very short while, if absolutely necessary. But you can't leave her there alone, and even if it does calm her it isn't going to be the solution for long.

Did she agree to move in with you? Was she clear at the time about the plan being long-term?

SimplifyLife, is the "home" your Mom is mentioning her recent previous home or does she mean her "childhood home"? Vast majority of times, "home" means where Mom grew up as a child, back when life was simpler and fun. Find out which "home" is her reference so that you can use "therapeutic fibs" to help Mom, such as saying not a good time to travel, the house is being repaired, etc.

It took me a couple of weeks to finally nail down which home my own Mom was talking about. Once she mentioned a key word "cattle" then I knew it was her childhood home from 80 years ago as her parents ran a diary farm.

As for your Mom appointing, reading and signing legal documents, is there a point in the day when Mom appears to be in the here and now? If yes, then set an appointment with an Elder Law attorney for that time frame. If the Attorney feels your Mom just doesn't understand the legal document, he/she will not allow Mom to sign, so don't be surprised if that happens.

Would it be possible to let her go home and have caregivers come in? That would require a good bit of money and would only be possible if your mother would tolerate it. It would make your own life more livable, though. It's not easy living with an unhappy person.

If your mother is in Stage 4 she is probably still competent to sign POAs and advance directives. Do you have a lawyer friend she trusts who will come by the house to get these things done? Our parents can be more cooperative with someone from outside the family than with their children. I doubt my mother would have ever worked with me on the POA, but she would work with her lawyer friend. (Alas, her POA choice made no sense, but I let that go.)

It may be too late to get poa. She’s has to be competent to assign poa, but consult an attorney.

No easy answer for the go home stuff. Maybe her doc could prescribe a calming med.