My mother came to live with me as her only option at the time due to her dementia. In a conversation about who my mother would live with is when the resentment started between my sister and I. She's always felt like she's the only one that knows what's best for my mom and she loves her the most. My husband and I planned ahead when doing a home renovation in case a parent needed someplace to go, but she didn't. She doesn't have the space, too many steps, no bathroom that would be accessible to her and her home is just not conducive for a 83 year old with COPD. She doesn't have the money to do any home renovations, so basically she didn't prepare for being able to accommodate my mother. My other siblings agreed that my home would make the most sense so that decision left my sister feeling like we ganged up on her and manipulated my mother's decision. My mother has lived with me for 5 years now and every opportunity my sister gets to create tension she does. She's the least helpful and only does things to help out when its convenient for her. My mother consistently makes excuses for her behavior and is very unappreciative of what the rest of us do. One thing I have come to realize is that they have very similar personalities. They are both manipulative, closed minded, judgemental, ungrateful and totally unaware of who they really are. My sister made a decision to separate herself from us some years back and we still don't know why. As a result of that we only really deal with each other regarding our mothers care. I have tried many times to let my mother know how their behavior affects me, but to no avail. I now find myself resentful, hurt and angry at my mother because of her unhealthy relationship with my sister. I need to take care of myself and by doing that it means my mother has to have other living arrangements made for her. I feel sad that it's come to this and I really didn't want it to come down to this but I'm here now. How am I going to deal with the emotions of making this decision not knowing where my mother will end up or should I not be concerned with that?
I bet they did. Someone ELSE can take care of your mother! I think there is more going on here than your issues with your sister. Could it be that you have burnout from taking care of your mother?
Out of the siblings (how many?) how did it happen that you were the one who took your mother in? What kind of caregiving does she require, and can you see doing this until she dies?
You sound like you are burned out. Taking care of a full grown human is the biggest challenge we will face. Add contention from siblings, lack of gratitude and nasty personality traits and it can such your life out.
You stepped up and thought that you were doing the right thing, you have given it 5 years and it is no longer working, time for sister to put her desired time in. I always tell people, caregiving works for everyone involved or it isn't working and it is time to change. Time for you to change the situation.
One thing I do recommend, after you have had a break and healed some, continue to be a daughter with boundaries. Do the things that you want and don't stand by and let mom or sister barf their crap all over you. It is okay to leave, hang up, walk away when they or anyone are being ugly or hurtful. Teach them how to treat you by not allowing them to walk on you.
Tough situation for sure, great big warm hug! You can do it!
You resent the closeness of their relationship, which you yourself say is based on their similar (and similarly self-indulgent) personalities.
But - to the extent that you have decided to kick your mother out? Really?
If you make other living arrangements for your mother, and feel sad and probably guilty about it, you will of course blame your sister for everything that has happened.
Do YOU think you are being proportionate and rational about this?
What has happened recently that is driving you to this decision?
I don't read this as you are forbidding your Mom and Sister to visit one another and if Mom sees your Sister then she isn't welcome in your home. I see it as you have come to realize you can't get along with your Mom any more.
You have a right to move on with your own life as you choose. This isn't about your Sister. It's about your Mom, and your not wishing to do 24/7 care giving. That's fine. We all have limitations.
Does Mom and sister fit the definition of a narcissist? Dementia can make this problem worse. Please be aware that Mom cannot reason and probably lost that ability in the beginning. She has also lost the ability to process and retain. Dementia patients become self-centered and have no empathy. Meaning Mom does not have the ability to appreciate. We had a family friend who put a walk in shower for us when I had my Mom. He did a beautiful job. He asked her how she liked it, no response. I don't think she realized he did it for her.
"My sister made a decision to separate herself from us some years back and we still don't know why". Sister is no longer in the picture. Believe me, you have to let it go. If Mom mentions her, change the subject or ignore the question.
I too think its time to make other arrangements for Mom. Who has POA because this will be their job? If she can't afford an Assisted Living, than you can apply for Medicaid. Find a nice Longterm Care Facility. All her needs will be met. She will even get a small allowance (in my state its $50)towards personal needs. You just visit when u can.
You are important too.