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She passes the tests that her Dr. gives her. She doesn't really want to leave the house. She sends abusive text messages to my sister and my aunt. I live in another state and don't know what to do.
Call APS and report a vulnerable adult who is an alcoholic and living by themselves and let them come out and do an assessment and if need be take over her care.
Take the advice of Funkygrandma and call APS. Encourage your sister and aunt to do the same. They should not engage with her for any reason when she's sending the abusive text messages. They should save them though and show them to APS and the police.
Your sister and aunt should go to the local police station and ask them to do regular wellness checks on her. They will. The police need to know that the next time the neighbors call them because of her lashing out, they should call an ambulance and have her taken to the ER. Or arrest her. They will arrest her because they're only going to respond to calls about her so many times. Actually, that will be the best thing that can happen because it will get APS to act fast and get her placed in facility where she can be cared for.
I understand that you are concerned for our mother, anyone would be!
Are you also included in the abusive texts? If not, why not? How do you know she passed the tests the doctor gives her? Does she tell you and others this? If so, it may not be true.
Next time she has an "incident" or starts sending abusive texts, at the very least you could ask police to perform a welfare check. It seems that she may have some serious mental illness issues, and they may find reasons to place her in an involuntary hold that results in a mental health evaluation.
Or, on the other hand, you may choose to do - nothing. If indeed she is competent, there may be nothing to be done until you get The Call that she's in the hospital or in jail.
If she were my mom, I'd start out with the police welfare check, maybe even multiple welfare checks so she'd be prominent on their radar.
I'm so very sorry you are faced with this! Have you considered visiting her? If so, maybe wait until after a welfare check so you'll have a neutral concerned agency that can provide input about mom's true situation.
Tell the sister and Aunt to block her texts. Tell people to stop taking her calls.
I had to back way off when Dad was found passed out in the parking lot of the country club in front of the corn fields. 911 was called. He was sent to the ER. He called one of Mom's caregivers to pick him up. Caregiver said he started drinking again as soon as he got back to the house.
Who calls the police on a person for swearing???? Your mother is grieving. She's hurting. She's all alone now and in need of help. How about you pay a visit to mom to see her in person and find out what she needs, and what help you can give her? Your sister and aunt can do the same thing, bringing her dinner and companionship instead of ignoring her plea for help. That's my recommendation. Grief is a process, and sometimes it's not such a pretty one.
I would say that those who wish to go "no contact" with such a person, given that she is apparently not mentally impaired, should simple do so. I certainly would. I would make it clear--ONCE--that such behavior isn't deserved and won't be tolerated, that it will end in a hang up, or in elimination of further messages by text or email.
I would guess that other didn't have some sort of 360-miraculous turn the day her husband died. She likely has been somewhat unpredictable all along?
Depression often manifests as anger. Suggest she see her MD regarding it, and step away.
What kinds of tests is she taking? Who is telling you "She passes the tests that her Dr. gives her." ? What proof do you have (other than verbal from people not her doctors) that she is even going to see doctors and taking tests? Is she telling you? If so, I would doubt it all completely. Also, even if she is actually going by herself to "get tested" and the tests are for a UTI or dementia... the doctor's job is only to test, diagnose and recommend treatments. They have no power beyond that to force her to do anything, unless your Mother is telling them she "doesn't feel safe at home" and then they are mandated to report that to APS. If there is no one else willing and able to go see your Mom in person then if you are willing and able, this is what I would be doing. You will need to go for at least a few days at first (during the week so you can engage doctors, lawyers, social services, etc.) Then once you get a sense of the situation maybe the next step is to make sure she has a PoA in place and then get tested for a UTI and then any other medical problem that can mimic dementia. Then she can be tested more accurately for cognitive impairment. I'm sorry for her loss... was it recent? I agree with others that she may still be grieving. Does she have a history of drinking? This would be helpful to know.
Is this brand new behavior? As in, since her husband died? Or has mom always been volatile?
You say she "drinks wine". I drink wine. Lots of people drink wine. Drinking wine in and of itself isn't cause for alarm. You don't get into any other details about her drinking. It kind of makes me cringe that people jump right to "she's an alcoholic", when you don't specify how much she drinks, how often she drinks and if it is while she is under the influence of the wine that she behaves this way.
Who called the police for "swearing"? I was a PO for over 20 years, I can tell you that swearing is not illegal in any state in this Union, so there is absolutely nothing any police officer can do about her simply using foul language. Insofar as contacting the police for a wellness check - well, they will go knock on her door, hope she answers, if she does answer ask if she's ok and if she needs any help, and if she says no, that will be the end of it. She won't get removed by the police for being drunk and cursing, especially in her own home.
You ask what you can do about this behavior - the first thing I think you need to do is to go to her and get a better idea, in person, about what is going on with her mental health. If she is just being mean because she is angry about her husband dying, then there's not really much you can do to change her behavior, you can only decide - you and your family members and her neighbors- how much you are willing to put up with during her grieving process.
If this is brand new behavior, completely out of character for her, then a call to her doctor might be warranted, and you and/or your sister should accompany her to whatever appointments that might have to be made, in order to tell the doctor(s) what is going on with her.
What do your sister and your aunt want to do about this? Since they seem to be bearing the brunt of this behavior?
I've had a lot of alcoholic behaviors in my life. With me if someone adds 'drinks wine' that's an indicator that the OP's mother is a drunk who gets belligerent to her family and neighbors with the swearing and lashing out. She lashes out at the neighbors. Oh, hell no. I'd call the cops on her in a New York minute if we had neighbors like this. No one has to tolerate such behavior. I'm sure she's very broken up about her husband's death, but she has no right to lash out at her neighbors.
I think OP implies she drinks and lashes out which would indicate she is not enjoying glass or two of wine on occasion. She needs help only if she is willing to accept some sort of intervention I.e. stop drinking as with drinking too much as many do just to numb the pain, but real grief needs to be addressed with professional therapy.
Did the drinking start after her husband died? Anyone who has been through grief knows that it is extremely overwhelming and it just feels like a giant tidal wave is about to overtake you.
My cousin and I lost our husbands the same year. It was rough for about three years. Then I got laid off my job almost three years later. I couldn't work for awhile and sat home all day. This was during the time of the pandemic when I lost my job. The neighbors started getting worried about me even a ninety plus year old neighbor. My car stayed in the same spot for days. I went to grief counseling. It didn't sink in until close to the sixth year after my husband's death. No grief counseling was effective for me. All I felt was pain.
I don't think a neighbor being drunk and belligerent is a reason to call the police unless they are endangering themselves or others and becoming a public nuisance. There should be a mental health unit dispatched when 911 is called to calm the situation down. Some police are trained to handle mental health cases.
My father drank a lot of wine the first year or two after my mother passed. I assumed to get over the rough times. Once he developed his new normal he stopped drinking.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Your sister and aunt should go to the local police station and ask them to do regular wellness checks on her. They will. The police need to know that the next time the neighbors call them because of her lashing out, they should call an ambulance and have her taken to the ER. Or arrest her. They will arrest her because they're only going to respond to calls about her so many times. Actually, that will be the best thing that can happen because it will get APS to act fast and get her placed in facility where she can be cared for.
Tell everyone to stop answering her calls.
Are you also included in the abusive texts? If not, why not? How do you know she passed the tests the doctor gives her? Does she tell you and others this? If so, it may not be true.
Next time she has an "incident" or starts sending abusive texts, at the very least you could ask police to perform a welfare check. It seems that she may have some serious mental illness issues, and they may find reasons to place her in an involuntary hold that results in a mental health evaluation.
Or, on the other hand, you may choose to do - nothing. If indeed she is competent, there may be nothing to be done until you get The Call that she's in the hospital or in jail.
If she were my mom, I'd start out with the police welfare check, maybe even multiple welfare checks so she'd be prominent on their radar.
I'm so very sorry you are faced with this! Have you considered visiting her? If so, maybe wait until after a welfare check so you'll have a neutral concerned agency that can provide input about mom's true situation.
Sometimes you need to step back.
Tell the sister and Aunt to block her texts. Tell people to stop taking her calls.
I had to back way off when Dad was found passed out in the parking lot of the country club in front of the corn fields. 911 was called. He was sent to the ER. He called one of Mom's caregivers to pick him up. Caregiver said he started drinking again as soon as he got back to the house.
Can you or anyone encourage her to seek some grief counseling?
I doubt APS will do anything about this.
I would guess that other didn't have some sort of 360-miraculous turn the day her husband died. She likely has been somewhat unpredictable all along?
Depression often manifests as anger. Suggest she see her MD regarding it, and step away.
You say she "drinks wine". I drink wine. Lots of people drink wine. Drinking wine in and of itself isn't cause for alarm. You don't get into any other details about her drinking. It kind of makes me cringe that people jump right to "she's an alcoholic", when you don't specify how much she drinks, how often she drinks and if it is while she is under the influence of the wine that she behaves this way.
Who called the police for "swearing"? I was a PO for over 20 years, I can tell you that swearing is not illegal in any state in this Union, so there is absolutely nothing any police officer can do about her simply using foul language. Insofar as contacting the police for a wellness check - well, they will go knock on her door, hope she answers, if she does answer ask if she's ok and if she needs any help, and if she says no, that will be the end of it. She won't get removed by the police for being drunk and cursing, especially in her own home.
You ask what you can do about this behavior - the first thing I think you need to do is to go to her and get a better idea, in person, about what is going on with her mental health. If she is just being mean because she is angry about her husband dying, then there's not really much you can do to change her behavior, you can only decide - you and your family members and her neighbors- how much you are willing to put up with during her grieving process.
If this is brand new behavior, completely out of character for her, then a call to her doctor might be warranted, and you and/or your sister should accompany her to whatever appointments that might have to be made, in order to tell the doctor(s) what is going on with her.
What do your sister and your aunt want to do about this? Since they seem to be bearing the brunt of this behavior?
I've had a lot of alcoholic behaviors in my life. With me if someone adds 'drinks wine' that's an indicator that the OP's mother is a drunk who gets belligerent to her family and neighbors with the swearing and lashing out. She lashes out at the neighbors. Oh, hell no. I'd call the cops on her in a New York minute if we had neighbors like this. No one has to tolerate such behavior. I'm sure she's very broken up about her husband's death, but she has no right to lash out at her neighbors.
She needs help only if she is willing to accept some sort of intervention I.e. stop drinking as with drinking too much as many do just to numb the pain,
but real grief needs to be addressed with professional therapy.
My cousin and I lost our husbands the same year. It was rough for about three years. Then I got laid off my job almost three years later. I couldn't work for awhile and sat home all day. This was during the time of the pandemic when I lost my job. The neighbors started getting worried about me even a ninety plus year old neighbor. My car stayed in the same spot for days. I went to grief counseling. It didn't sink in until close to the sixth year after my husband's death. No grief counseling was effective for me. All I felt was pain.
I don't think a neighbor being drunk and belligerent is a reason to call the police unless they are endangering themselves or others and becoming a public nuisance. There should be a mental health unit dispatched when 911 is called to calm the situation down. Some police are trained to handle mental health cases.