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Now... I think you are saying that YOU help YOUR neighbor with errands and YOUR mother is jealous. In any case, you do not indicate what the 'problem' is with your mother being jealous. There appears to be a problem for you with your last two words 'Now what? however you do not elaborate / explain why or what the now what means ... for me, reading this, there is no 'now what'. There is 'just' the feelings of jealousy that you indicate your mother feels.
What is the relationship you have with your mother now? How is it ... problematic for you? Do you have difficulty asserting yourself ? setting boundaries? What is your mother's health / condition? Does she have or need caregivers?
Perhaps you need to reflect on what you want to do and how you express your feelings and decisions to your mother.
Oh! The manipulation! This caregiving escapade is contagious. Some people think that you have an endless amount of time and energy to help out everyone and their grandma. While you are at it, why not drop off the grandchildren so you can watch them, and could you please bathe the dog, and feed the cat? Also, the plants need watering and the bathroom needs cleaning. Can you pick up my suit from the drycleaners? Oh, since you are out, can you pick up mom's medication? I'm short on funds, can you put the charge on your debit card? The list grows a little each day.
There is a such thing called boundaries. Learn to say no and mean it.
It is time to get back to this thing called life. Time to find mom a long term care facility since she is bedridden. It will take some time to make some arrangements, but getting started is the beginning.
Your mom comes first. The neighbor needs to depend on their family. If you don't want to be your mom's caretaker, then hire someone or place her in assisted living. Please do not neglect your mom. Compassion and Empathy are important too. There are people that can help. Reach out to your family. Call your department of aging.
You do not share anything about your mother / her health or actual physical or mental needs. We need much more information to provide a potentially helpful response.
* Is your question about how to deal with your mom's jealous? If so, I question why this is a problem (or concern) for you.
You state that 'my neighbor needs' to help. Is this where the jealousy comes in? I do not understand the connection betw "my" neighbor and your mother.
To respond, I would need to know: - why your mom thinks she deserves she needs 24/7; and how she is behaving with or without 24/7 care - why this is a 'problem' for you - what your mom's current health status is (physical and cognitive/brain function - Why do you feel a need (?) to respond to your mom's jealous and sense of entitlement. - Are you asking us how to respond to your mother's sense of entitlement? This, of course, depends on her brain functioning and physical needs. You 'cannot' talk logic to a person with dementia. She may be a narcissistic personality and then that requires another way of management.
We do not have enough information to respond accurately or in ways that could help.
When my mother had cancer, I had to quit my new job and moved across the country to provide her with care, she was very sick. During my first week with her I stayed up throughout the nights making sure that she was breathing. After staying awake for 72 hours, it finally hit me ‘that I could not do this his alone, without my health failing.’ This realization was hard because we were very close. It was at that point I contacted IHSS, and towards the end, I had her transferred to the best facility that I could find, and I went to see her daily, and sometimes I spent the night.
What I didn’t mention earlier is that, ‘I had no income and my mother was on a fixed income.’ While there with her I was very fortunate to find employment. I was there with her for almost eight months. We both were blessed, GOD provided for our needs.
Her health got to a point where ‘her care needs were indefinite, money was exhausted, and my life’s total existence would be caring for her.’ Thankfully my mother’s mind was still good, with no depreciation. It was at this point when I shared with her, “mom I love you, and I’ve done the best that I could to help you, but I have a train to catch (I wanted to get married/ family), I can’t stay here, but I will come see you as often as I can.” She said “I understand, you go.., get married… and live your life. Thank you for being with me.”
I do realize that not everyone’s parent(s) or situation is like what I had. My main point in sharing my story is that unless a person has unlimited, 1% income, which 99% of us don’t, ‘it’s impossible to provide 24/7 personal care & support to that parent or family member.’
It is OK to find the best care support & facility within your capacity, to provide your loved one with care. Getting this established and seeing them as often as you can, ‘is the new you being there, now you have a Team Supporting all concerned.’
Respectfully, at some point some of us will need this type of support, this is a part of our cycle of life. ‘All we can do is all we can do, and that’s all we can do…’ I hope that my experience will be a blessing to someone.
I love your response! Having someone else meet your parents needs does not mean you love them else. Sometimes it means you realize you are not the best caregiver and need help from others that are trained. Many times the caregiver ruins their health trying to do the impossible!
Your confusing question is difficult to answer. Reading in other comments your mom is bedridden? I'm an overwhelmed caregiver for my disabled husband, brother with multiple health issues and 3 old cats with chronic illnesses. When my sister demanded I care for her and her sick adult son, I had to say "no"!! In the last year that's the only thing I've done right, but kudos to me anyway. You need to figure out who you really are, who you want to be and what your priorities are. Either throw yourself fully into your mom's care, or make other arrangements for her to be cared for. Being a do-gooder for your neighbor or anyone else doesn't make up for you not liking/wanting to deal with your mom's needs. I can understand how psychologically your choices can happen...but you're avoiding the core issue by adding distractions into your real situation. Deal with Mom first....stay focused on that....and by all means if you're foolish enough to take on other's needs during this time, don't tell your mom about it!
Unfortunately for many, they are at an impasse. Needs and wants of an elderly parent are needing care, are often seen by them as one and the same. Sometimes, even when they have full cognition, they feel they’re allowing you, to sleep and go to work. I’ve seen disconnect even starting with people who have retired early, in their 50s, with supposed full cognition. They may begin to lose connection to the fact that people aren’t around, because they’re still working. Even that money needs to be earned, even if they expect you to supply it. Also, as per some posts I made here, 2 years ago, they don’t have to be your relative. Could be a neighbor.
While your mother might need increasing care, over the course of time, you have to let go of being her super hero, unless you’d like to join her. You cannot use your efforts, as an equal measurement, of the amount of love you have for her, even if she cries for you. Don’t guilt yourself. Trust that she may do a stellar job of that and if there are any enablers in the mix, they may feel that there is no other purpose to having a child (more often specifically a daughter), than having someone who will literally die for you. It will ALWAYS be painful, to not literally be able to stop and reverse the AGING process and whatever mental and physical issues may come along with that. You are not alone there, as much as you may feel isolated by it.
In the practical sense, yes, take suggestions from others, in reaching out to whatever services might be available. Where another impasse comes, there may be a diminishing number of free services and few people have earned and planned enough, against the very real costs of life, to afford eldercare and that’s when they’ve even been smart and frugal. It just wasn’t in the general population cards. Not everyone was taught about investment either. At its possible last, you may need to consider having your mom declared a ward of the state. I do not know the steps and qualifications for this. But, in general, the state might take care of her, in exchange for any assets she has. If she had any assets, that were transferred to you, within the last 5 years, they likely want that, too. But, research current details, try to make decisions and act as quickly as you can as, lack of decision is a decision. Sorry that this is both dark and real. No one really tells us how to handle these aspects of life. Instead, we find ourselves cornered by them.
As in my response, this writer is not clearly outlining his needs, concerns, or questions. I don't see where its indicated anywhere that his mother is bedridden ??? Oh well. We do our best offering support / our experiences. That's all we can do.
We all want stuff but unfortunate in the real world it can’t happen have a look at finances and see wot ‘treats’ mother can afford and tell her - her money allows x y z
Added: sometimes it’s worth reminding mother her not needing full time care is a gift from heaven - that she is well enough not to need it and shouldn’t be looking to make herself an invalid. She’s luckier than her neighbour. You can’t buy health
My mum gets vertigo spells so she wants me there all time because she’s scared but I have my own life too. I’ve checked into a hotel but I’m nearby and she objects
Refer the neighbor to county social services to see if she can qualify for transport services. Or, direct her to Care.com where she can hire someone 1 day a week, every week, to take her on errands and appointments. She will just need to make all her appointments on the same day of the week going forward. Also, don't let your Mom know when you talk to this neighbor. It's none of her business and she's being petty about it. I agree with others that you aren't obligated to be your Mom's hands-on caregiver. She too can pay for help, at least part of the time, and pay you to do anything else you're willing to do on her behalf. Please learn about finding and defending healthy boundaries so that you don't burn out trying to please and appease a dysfunctional, unreasonable person.
This is your first post from January and it seems to me a bedridden person needs 24/7 care. If your not able to be there, then someone needs to be. Its nice that you help your neighbor but Mom should be your #1 priority. If you cannot care for her 24/7, and thats alright, she needs to hire care or go into LTC.
I am really surprised Mom is still with us from the discription you gave.
Does your mother need 24 hour care? If she does, you do not have to be the person who provides it.
If she thinks she deserves you to be at her beck and call 24/7 and she's jealous because you help out a neighbor, that's something different. Your response to this nonsense should be that if she doesn't like you helping out the neighbor too damn bad. Help the the neighbor anyway.
About helping the neighbor though. Be careful with that and make sure you've set strong boundaries with this person. Once good neighbors can quickly become bad ones that try to take advantage of a neighborly kindness like you're providing. Especially if they are needy and elderly. Their families will often try to take advantage too by foisting responsibility of their 'loved one' onto you.
Years back I had a neighbor on my street who's mother that lived with her was elderly with dementia and couldn't be left alone. Well, the woman and her husband had full-time jobs and couldn't babysit her all day and insurance only paid for three hours a day of companion care. Her aide was instructed to lock up the house at the end of her shift, then bring the old lady across the street and leave. The 'across the street' people were my husband and I and his family. His mother helped this neighbor out a couple times, then the daughter took that to mean she'd be watching her for four or five hours a day, give her lunch, and change her diapers for free. My MIL was at her wit's end because she did not want to do this. The aide would just leave. She wasn't the aide's responsibility, but her daughter wouldn't allow a cent to be spend on her care. Every time my MIL would bring it up about not watching the woman, the daughter would cry and carry on that she couldn't afford help and once the Medicaid comes through more caregiving services will come. That was a lie.
So my in-laws went to Poland on a vacation to visit some family. The neighbor swore she made arrangements for the mother and that no one would have to watch her. The in-laws weren't gone one day when there's a knock at the door and it's the aide dropping off the old lady. The neighbor figured she'd leave her with me because I was home. The aide left to go to her next client.
I put the lady in my car and dropped her off at the police station. I explained to the cops and gave them her daughter's work number. She was never dropped off at our place again. Even when my in-laws came back.
You have to be careful when doing favors for neighbors. Especially if they involve an elderly and needy neighbor.
So what, you are now taking this neighbor out to run errands and to the doctor? And mother is jealous? Why would you take on more care than what's already on your plate? I'd stop caregiving for both of them and recommend Care.com to each. But that's me.
You give no details, just a title to a question, so it's tough to give you a decent comment. Except to say you can't please all of the people all of the time, so start looking after YOURSELF.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What is the relationship you have with your mother now?
How is it ... problematic for you?
Do you have difficulty asserting yourself ? setting boundaries?
What is your mother's health / condition?
Does she have or need caregivers?
Perhaps you need to reflect on what you want to do and how you express your feelings and decisions to your mother.
Touch Matters / Gena
There is a such thing called boundaries. Learn to say no and mean it.
It is time to get back to this thing called life. Time to find mom a long term care facility since she is bedridden. It will take some time to make some arrangements, but getting started is the beginning.
Chickens first post mentions her Mom is bedridden.
* Is your question about how to deal with your mom's jealous?
If so, I question why this is a problem (or concern) for you.
You state that 'my neighbor needs' to help. Is this where the jealousy comes in? I do not understand the connection betw "my" neighbor and your mother.
To respond, I would need to know:
- why your mom thinks she deserves she needs 24/7; and how she is behaving with or without 24/7 care
- why this is a 'problem' for you
- what your mom's current health status is (physical and cognitive/brain function
- Why do you feel a need (?) to respond to your mom's jealous and sense of entitlement.
- Are you asking us how to respond to your mother's sense of entitlement? This, of course, depends on her brain functioning and physical needs. You 'cannot' talk logic to a person with dementia. She may be a narcissistic personality and then that requires another way of management.
We do not have enough information to respond accurately or in ways that could help.
Gena / Touch Matters
72 hours, it finally hit me ‘that I could not do this his alone, without my health failing.’ This realization was hard because we were very close.
It was at that point I contacted IHSS, and towards the end, I had her transferred to the best facility that I could find, and I went to see her daily, and sometimes I spent the night.
What I didn’t mention earlier is that, ‘I had no income and my mother was on a fixed income.’ While there with her I was very fortunate to find employment. I was there with her for almost eight months. We both were blessed, GOD provided for our needs.
Her health got to a point where ‘her care needs were indefinite, money was exhausted, and my life’s total existence would be caring for her.’
Thankfully my mother’s mind was still good, with no depreciation. It was at this point when I shared with her, “mom I love you, and I’ve done the best that I could to help you, but I have a train to catch (I wanted to get married/ family), I can’t stay here, but I will come see you as often as I can.” She said “I understand, you go.., get married… and live your life. Thank you for being with me.”
I do realize that not everyone’s parent(s) or situation is like what I had. My main point in sharing my story is that unless a person has unlimited, 1% income, which 99% of us don’t, ‘it’s impossible to provide 24/7 personal care & support to that parent or family member.’
It is OK to find the best care support & facility within your capacity, to provide your loved one with care. Getting this established and seeing them as often as you can, ‘is the new you being there, now you have a Team Supporting all concerned.’
Respectfully, at some point some of us will need this type of support, this is a part of our cycle of life. ‘All we can do is all we can do, and that’s all we can do…’ I hope that my experience will be a blessing to someone.
While your mother might need increasing care, over the course of time, you have to let go of being her super hero, unless you’d like to join her. You cannot use your efforts, as an equal measurement, of the amount of love you have for her, even if she cries for you. Don’t guilt yourself. Trust that she may do a stellar job of that and if there are any enablers in the mix, they may feel that there is no other purpose to having a child (more often specifically a daughter), than having someone who will literally die for you. It will ALWAYS be painful, to not literally be able to stop and reverse the AGING process and whatever mental and physical issues may come along with that. You are not alone there, as much as you may feel isolated by it.
In the practical sense, yes, take suggestions from others, in reaching out to whatever services might be available. Where another impasse comes, there may be a diminishing number of free services and few people have earned and planned enough, against the very real costs of life, to afford eldercare and that’s when they’ve even been smart and frugal. It just wasn’t in the general population cards. Not everyone was taught about investment either. At its possible last, you may need to consider having your mom declared a ward of the state. I do not know the steps and qualifications for this. But, in general, the state might take care of her, in exchange for any assets she has. If she had any assets, that were transferred to you, within the last 5 years, they likely want that, too. But, research current details, try to make decisions and act as quickly as you can as, lack of decision is a decision. Sorry that this is both dark and real. No one really tells us how to handle these aspects of life. Instead, we find ourselves cornered by them.
oh wait, you are leaving your bedridden mom to run errands with the neighbor?
That is very very messed up.
have a look at finances and see wot ‘treats’ mother can afford
and tell her - her money allows x y z
sometimes it’s worth reminding mother her not needing full time care is a gift from heaven - that she is well enough not to need it and shouldn’t be looking to make herself an invalid. She’s luckier than her neighbour. You can’t buy health
This is your first post from January and it seems to me a bedridden person needs 24/7 care. If your not able to be there, then someone needs to be. Its nice that you help your neighbor but Mom should be your #1 priority. If you cannot care for her 24/7, and thats alright, she needs to hire care or go into LTC.
I am really surprised Mom is still with us from the discription you gave.
If she thinks she deserves you to be at her beck and call 24/7 and she's jealous because you help out a neighbor, that's something different. Your response to this nonsense should be that if she doesn't like you helping out the neighbor too damn bad. Help the the neighbor anyway.
About helping the neighbor though. Be careful with that and make sure you've set strong boundaries with this person. Once good neighbors can quickly become bad ones that try to take advantage of a neighborly kindness like you're providing. Especially if they are needy and elderly. Their families will often try to take advantage too by foisting responsibility of their 'loved one' onto you.
Years back I had a neighbor on my street who's mother that lived with her was elderly with dementia and couldn't be left alone. Well, the woman and her husband had full-time jobs and couldn't babysit her all day and insurance only paid for three hours a day of companion care. Her aide was instructed to lock up the house at the end of her shift, then bring the old lady across the street and leave. The 'across the street' people were my husband and I and his family. His mother helped this neighbor out a couple times, then the daughter took that to mean she'd be watching her for four or five hours a day, give her lunch, and change her diapers for free. My MIL was at her wit's end because she did not want to do this. The aide would just leave. She wasn't the aide's responsibility, but her daughter wouldn't allow a cent to be spend on her care. Every time my MIL would bring it up about not watching the woman, the daughter would cry and carry on that she couldn't afford help and once the Medicaid comes through more caregiving services will come. That was a lie.
So my in-laws went to Poland on a vacation to visit some family. The neighbor swore she made arrangements for the mother and that no one would have to watch her. The in-laws weren't gone one day when there's a knock at the door and it's the aide dropping off the old lady. The neighbor figured she'd leave her with me because I was home. The aide left to go to her next client.
I put the lady in my car and dropped her off at the police station. I explained to the cops and gave them her daughter's work number. She was never dropped off at our place again. Even when my in-laws came back.
You have to be careful when doing favors for neighbors. Especially if they involve an elderly and needy neighbor.
You give no details, just a title to a question, so it's tough to give you a decent comment. Except to say you can't please all of the people all of the time, so start looking after YOURSELF.
That's how I would deal with someone that thinks they deserve to hijack your entire life to prop them up.
Look up grey rock. It is effective for dealing with entitled elders that believe they are what causes the sun to rise every morning.