A few days ago, I learned that my 81-year-old mother had blacked out and had a bad fall on Thanksgiving. She later came to, and her husband got her into bed. She refused to go to the hospital, stayed in bed for a month, starved herself, and would barely drink.
No one told me about any of this. I hadn't seen her for a while as I'd been very ill from COPD and severe asthma.
I only found out when I visited her a few days before Christmas. I was shocked to find that she looked like she was dying. She hadn't been out of bed for a month! A hoarder, she was surrounded by tons of junk, which seemed like a tomb.
Me and several other family members tried to talk her into going to the ER, but she refused. She told me that she'd likely passed out because she had been dieting, wanted to get below 100 pounds. This sounded crazy! I knew something was really wrong with her beyond the fall.
I had to get Protective Services involved. At first, my mother still refused to go to the hospital, but after the case worker called 911, my mother finally caved in and let the EMT's take her to the ER. She was, of course, admitted.
When I visit her at the hospital, she closes her eyes and won't have anything to do with me. She pretends to be asleep. Last night, the nurse told me that my mother had been talking to her just before I entered the room. She's apparently angry that I called Protective Services.
Her husband of 33 years admitted that my mother had wanted to die in her sleep and that's why she'd quit eating and drinking before the fall and why she'd refused to get help after the fall.
I could understand this if she had cancer or some other painful terminal disease, but she doesn't appear to. They've ran many tests at the hospital, and so far, other than the fact that she nearly starved herself to death and is now 98 pounds, she doesn't have any major illness. She does have a broken ankle from the fall, which they can't operate on due to her weakness.
I'm feeling so many confusing emotions--grief, betrayal, anger, and absolute shock. She'd never mentioned or even hinted that she was having suicidal thoughts or that she wanted to die. She made no plans for when she's gone--such as for her two pets. And there's no burial plans as far as I know. She had no "final" words for me and chose, instead, to totally shut me out.
I'm torn between whether her desire to die is an end of life issue or if it's from depression. The nurse said my mother had lost her will to live, but two years ago my brother died at this time of the year, and so maybe it's grief.
On top of everything else, it hurts so bad that she closes her eyes and locks me out as if she's finished with me. She was abusive to me when I was a child and it's bringing some of that pain back to me--as if she's trying to hurt me one last time.
She's still my mother though. I love her and have a sense of duty to her. I always wished that things could be different between us.
Do you have any suggestions about any of this?
Thank you!
I am 77. I would be ready to go at the point I could no longer get around and I have already discussed self-deliverance with my daughter, the method, only one acceptable at this time, being a withdrawal from taking in food or fluid at a point of my own decision. This is something I am prepared to when when I feel the time is right. Am I depressed? No, I am not. Life has been long, full, and as full of love and beauty as of pain at time, and the grief that comes to us all. But I feel I have lived a long life. I feel you should now speak with palliative care personnel and with hospice, and you should let your mother express herself. When she has said her piece you can ask her if she would consider seeing someone to see if she is depressed, and if there is help for that. Quite honestly, hon, the end of life doesn't hold a whole lot of "upside". Ask her if there is anything you can do. If not accept her position that for her life is over. She may then share her feelings with you. You cannot "fix this". You honestly cannot. There is on Final Exit page on Facebook a film you can find if you scroll down about a Mom who made this decision with her daughter and was helped in her own withdrawal from food and drink. She had a good life, friends, loving family, but was in pain from a bad back, and was ready to go at 94.
I am so sorry. I know that the suddenness of this was a shock and you are in no way prepared. You will be able to take of funeral and animals. But trust me, when someone is ready to leave their loved animals, they are READY to leave. I wish you good luck and I hope that you get hospice for your Mom. And will accept her own wishes. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you with the suddenness of it, and I only wish your Mom had discussed some of her feelings earlier with you. There certainly is no reason NOT to have psychologist visit, etc to see if your Mom would accept trying medications or therapy of some kind. But she sounds ready and when down to this weight has been doing it now for some time whether with anyone's help or approval or not.
This is one of the tough realities. Many will disagree with me, and believe life must be fought for down to the very last inch we are able to crawl. My thinking isn't that, and hasn't been for many a year. Death comes to us all. I am fine with that. My life has been more than I could ever have hoped for. But the end nears.
Your mother needs psychotherapy and medication for depression, anxiety and whatever other mental illness is present, it sounds like. Her shutting you out is likely part of her illness and not something to take personally, hard as that is. She's also angry that you forced her to get help she refused to get herself....but that's what love DOES, mother. There's nothing to apologize for.
She needs to WANT help, though, as you can't save a person from herself, I'm afraid.
Wishing you good luck with all of this....it's a lot to deal with
Her husband isn't altogether mentally there either. He never has been. She ruled the roost, and he did whatever she wanted, definitely a case of codependency. Today, the doctor told me that my stepfather was given a mental exam, and they determined that he's mentally incompetent and can't make medical decisions for my mother. And so they gave me a medical power of attorney.
My brother is very angry at me. He feels I should have let her die as that's what she wanted. He reminded me that I'm the last person she would have wanted to make medical decisions for her. It's very hurtful as I know it's true. My mother never really loved me.
Even so, I'll do what I feel is morally right and continue to help her in whatever way I can. She doesn't want to be coded, and I will honor that. She doesn't want surgery, and I will honor that too. But I did give the okay for feedings in hopes that she will wake up and receive the help she needs.
Yes, it is a lot to deal with, and it's very difficult. Thanks so much for your advice.
She certainly seems depressed. Has she been to any grief support groups or counseling of any kind? I don’t feel as if she is being manipulative. I think she is truly suffering.
Speak to the social worker at the hospital and explain everything to her. Can her doctor recommend a mental health professional for her to see? She may benefit from medication to get her over a hump.
I struggle to eat when I am depressed or upset so I get it. That isn’t the same as deliberately trying to starve herself to death though. I feel this is a cry for help.
Sending a bazillion hugs your way. Please let us know how you and your mother are doing.
Thanks again. I will certainly update you.
It started with a UTI. She had complained of back pain for a few months to her doctor. She chalked it up to arthritis. She was found on the floor of her livingroom making no sense. She was taken to the hospital and then to rehab. The son's didn't want her alone so we took turns being there. She didn't want to do therapy. Was told she couldn't go home if she didn't participate. When the boys were around, she acted like an invalid. But I was told she sat up and ate a good breakfast and was talking to her roommate. I think she was playing her sons hoping one of them (my DH) would move in with her ( wouldn't have happened) or near her. Because of her little performance (will always feel this way) she got weaker. To the point they were transferring her to a facility closer to son in GA. She disliked his wife and the wife would have run MILs life. From that point when she knew she would never go home she declined. Dr. said she lost the will to live. She was a stubborn old lady too. Her way or no way at all.
You said your brother was right when he told you your Mom would NOT want you making decisions for her. You CAN turn the decision making over to him. One can’t be forced to hold POA. Normally, a medical POA is designated by choice to a person that will ensure that their desires (the incapacitated person) will be carried out. Your mother’s wishes should be followed, including no force feedings. There comes a point when one just gets old & tired. The beauty of a correctly done POA assignment is that it absolves the duty, guilt, beliefs, moral objections, etc. of any decision making, because it’s not YOUR decision, it’s the decision of the incapacitated person.
My brother is a sociopath. I've learned that he knew she was starving herself and intended to do this but didn't intervene. He seems to want her to die ASAP. In fact, I have to wonder if there's something he hopes to inherit. So I'm going to talk to the caseworker about this.
One does get old and tired, but I don't think she was at that point. I now believe that my mother wasn't in her right mind, and I don't accept anything he says about her final wishes. She didn't express her final wishes to me or leave any POA behind.
Just checking on you. How are you doing? Is your mom responding to you at all. I feel so badly for you going through this tough situation.
Sending a bazillion hugs your way 💗!