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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Please don’t think you’re being hypersensitive. If your gut tells you something’s not right, you need to heed the signals. As a domestic violence survivor, you know how things can get out of hand quickly. I’m concerned about your statement about his being smaller than you. That doesn’t matter. A small person can inflict a lot of damage, physically, financially, and psychologically. So don’t give him a pass on anything, no second chances, and have a backup plan. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and there’s a lot to be aware of.
Please give some more information. Your profile says that you are ‘ caring for your partner Dave who is 78’. Your post talks about your ‘new room mate’. It’s hard to put the two together.
Welcome to the site, anyway! If you use the magnifying glass on the screen to search for ‘shadowing’ and ‘non-stop talking’, it will give you articles and past threads from people who have also experienced this. There is also lots of information on the site under the Care Topics button at the top of the screen. It might help you to work out how our helpful site users can be of assistance.
Knowing your situation would help. If ur in a NH, maybe ask to have your roommate changed.
You say in ur profile that you have a partner Dave ur caring for. If this is the "roommate" maybe some anxiety meds would help. Maybe you no longer can care for this person and time to go your separate ways. Is Dementia involved?
Thank you. I just moved into his SFR, a single story home. He appears healthy, slightly underweight in my opinion but takes no medications, eats well although just once a day due to gum issues. He sees his doctor at least twice a year.
He appears to have normal absent mindedness but might have some early dementia. He has lived alone for 20 years, so I understand that he has been desperately deprived of healthy interaction with others.
I can tell that he is intelligent and at times manipulative and maybe slightly vindictive which scares me a little but since he is smaller than me I should be okay.
He was intruding into my room but I finally had to draw the line as my mental health was being compromised. He was his moms favorite so I sense some vulnerable narcissism in him.
He’s a Christian which gives me some peace of mind. I am a DV survivor so I am hyper sensitive. I am his friend and quasi caregiver. I think that he is afraid to be alone and maybe he senses his mind is slipping gears. I am 63 with my own health issues but I am a natural care giver.
Do some reading on boundaries. Good for you for keeping him out of your room. Are you paying rent or living there free in exchange for some caregiving?
Maybe get him involved in some things like the local senior center. My area also has some luncheons for seniors that would give him another outlet for his chattiness.
Let him know that you need some quiet time and are going to spend more time in your room so that you can read and do the things you need to do.
Maybe get him to join a gym. Another place to chat as well as get some exercise.
Does he have any family or friends? If so he could be encouraged to rekindle those relationships and make some plans.
You can also spend more time outside of the house. Go on walks. Go shopping. Go to the library. Just make sure to get some time and space to yourself.
dawnjohn22, we need more information to help give you the best answer.
Such as, are you now living in a nursing home, rehab, or in the hospital? Or is this a rooming type of house? Does your roommate have his own separate living space but comes into the common area chatting away?
Does your roommate have any type of health issues, such as memory loss. Or is he just a bubbly personality?
It might be an issue best discussed with the administration at your place.
You could also talk to him in a roundabout way that leaves no room for misunderstanding, such as saying "My last roommate talked incessantly, invaded my privacy, and it drove me nuts."
Don't be that blunt or say it all in one sentence, but make it about someone else, not him directly. You could use anecdotes ("I had this roommate in college who talked all the time"), and he might see himself in those anecdotes. That way it isn't a direct confrontation until it needs to be one. After all, you don't want to make the guy hate you if you still have to share a room.
My friend Dave invited me to stay in his home to help him. He did not want to charge me rent because it was his idea for me to leave my two sons and relocate 6 hours north. Dave is on social security and asked that I contribute to any extra costs of which I agreed of course. I owned and operated my own Elderly Care Facility, licensed by the state and I was the administrator. I have experience but I was 1/2 the age. I am now a senior too, it kind of changes the dynamics a bit.
Thank you for all the wonderful responses, I found all of them to be helpful. This is all new to me. It looks like I need to take more time understanding my current circumstances before asking for help. I will take the advice that I have received and I will check back in later. Thanks so much for the love and kindness. Dawn
HI Dawn - so you mentioned that you just moved into your roommate's SFR (which I think stands for Single Family Room?)...in his single family house...is this correct?
If that is the case, from what you're saying, it sounds like your gut feeling is that you're not very comfortable with him, whether it be with his personality or overextending himself in conversation, etc.... and you said, "at times he is manipulative and maybe slightly vindictive which scares you a little." It doesn't matter that he's smaller than you so you think you'll be safe - overall, it doesn't seem like the right situation, and all the issues that you raised diminish your feeling comfort and safe there.
I think you'd be better off to begin looking into other living options and once you find a more suitable place, you can graciously let him know (and make any excuse that provides it to be an easy exit - not to hurt his feelings) and move out. You have concerns - or at least find him not to have boundaries - and better to find a new home...usually if things start like what you described, there's a chance it doesn't get any better - easier to find a new place than to try to change someone or to continue feeling uncomfortable - it isn't worth it! Best wishes ~
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Welcome to the site, anyway! If you use the magnifying glass on the screen to search for ‘shadowing’ and ‘non-stop talking’, it will give you articles and past threads from people who have also experienced this. There is also lots of information on the site under the Care Topics button at the top of the screen. It might help you to work out how our helpful site users can be of assistance.
Best wishes, Margaret
You say in ur profile that you have a partner Dave ur caring for. If this is the "roommate" maybe some anxiety meds would help. Maybe you no longer can care for this person and time to go your separate ways. Is Dementia involved?
He appears to have normal absent mindedness but might have some early dementia. He has lived alone for 20 years, so I understand that he has been desperately deprived of healthy interaction with others.
I can tell that he is intelligent and at times manipulative and maybe slightly vindictive which scares me a little but since he is smaller than me I should be okay.
He was intruding into my room but I finally had to draw the line as my mental health was being compromised. He was his moms favorite so I sense some vulnerable narcissism in him.
He’s a Christian which gives me some peace of mind. I am a DV survivor so I am hyper sensitive. I am his friend and quasi caregiver. I think that he is afraid to be alone and maybe he senses his mind is slipping gears. I am 63 with my own health issues but I am a natural care giver.
Thanks again,
Dawn
Maybe get him involved in some things like the local senior center. My area also has some luncheons for seniors that would give him another outlet for his chattiness.
Let him know that you need some quiet time and are going to spend more time in your room so that you can read and do the things you need to do.
Maybe get him to join a gym. Another place to chat as well as get some exercise.
Does he have any family or friends? If so he could be encouraged to rekindle those relationships and make some plans.
You can also spend more time outside of the house. Go on walks. Go shopping. Go to the library. Just make sure to get some time and space to yourself.
Such as, are you now living in a nursing home, rehab, or in the hospital? Or is this a rooming type of house? Does your roommate have his own separate living space but comes into the common area chatting away?
Does your roommate have any type of health issues, such as memory loss. Or is he just a bubbly personality?
You could also talk to him in a roundabout way that leaves no room for misunderstanding, such as saying "My last roommate talked incessantly, invaded my privacy, and it drove me nuts."
Don't be that blunt or say it all in one sentence, but make it about someone else, not him directly. You could use anecdotes ("I had this roommate in college who talked all the time"), and he might see himself in those anecdotes. That way it isn't a direct confrontation until it needs to be one. After all, you don't want to make the guy hate you if you still have to share a room.
I owned and operated my own Elderly Care Facility, licensed by the state and I was the administrator. I have experience but I was 1/2 the age. I am now a senior too, it kind of changes the dynamics a bit.
If that is the case, from what you're saying, it sounds like your gut feeling is that you're not very comfortable with him, whether it be with his personality or overextending himself in conversation, etc.... and you said, "at times he is manipulative and maybe slightly vindictive which scares you a little." It doesn't matter that he's smaller than you so you think you'll be safe - overall, it doesn't seem like the right situation, and all the issues that you raised diminish your feeling comfort and safe there.
I think you'd be better off to begin looking into other living options and once you find a more suitable place, you can graciously let him know (and make any excuse that provides it to be an easy exit - not to hurt his feelings) and move out. You have concerns - or at least find him not to have boundaries - and better to find a new home...usually if things start like what you described, there's a chance it doesn't get any better - easier to find a new place than to try to change someone or to continue feeling uncomfortable - it isn't worth it!
Best wishes ~