Hello all. Several weeks back, I posted here about an emergency that my family encountered in early March when my 78-year old dad slipped on ice and broke his hip. This was like gasoline on fire, as my parents had already been suffering some aging-related challenges that have created challenges for my sister and I. (She's 33 and I'm 37.) Thankfully my dad's physical recovery has gone very well. And now that the smoke of the hip incident is clearing, we're having to face the pre-existing challenges again.
My apologies, but this is a lot.
Each of my parents has mental health challenges: My dad has mild cognitive impairment, which manifests mainly as trouble with speech and reading/writing, and it is progressing. My mom (72) has chronic, largely untreated depression. It's not constant; she has good days and bad days, and lately the bad days have been more frequent. We have continually encouraged her to try therapy (which she has, but not consistently) and also medication (which she has barely tried), but one of the ways in which her mental health challenges can manifest is not taking steps to improve her situation; even when she has the means to do it. And this particular behavior is making it very difficult for my parents to get on the same page about planning for aging. While we thankfully have gotten advance directives taken care of, tasks like moving to a more aging suitable environment remain unrealized because they can't get on the same page. My dad isn't willing to force a decision, and my mom can't commit to one, because she often just sees the negatives in every option that they have.
Now, it would be one thing if our parents were stuck in this rut and telling my sister and I to leave them alone and keep our suggestions to ourselves. But they are not. Becaue their disagreements are causing them stress, they habitually turn to my sister and I for help. My mom turns to us to vent, and lately we've had to be firmer about drawing boundaries; explaining that we want to help her take proactive steps to plan for aging, but we do not have the capacity for circular trauma dumping conversations. Subsequently, our dad will turn to us to express his concern about our mom's mental health. It's a corrosive and unsustainable cycle that we need to find a way to break ASAP.
What makes it hard to throw up my hands, walk away, and wait for a crisis to force a change is twofold. I love my parents, despite how tough things have gotten lately, and I'm concerned for both of them. At the same time, I know that I cannot be a primary caregiver for them; nor can my sister. The implications for our mental health, if we were to do that, are an instant deal breaker. So we have been thinking about trying to facilitate a conversation between us, our parents, and a third party who might be able to help them turn the corner on planning for aging; with their respective health problems in mind. I'm wondering if a geriatric care manager might be what we need.
I realize that even if we explore this road, there is zero guarantee that it will help. I'm prepared, sadly, for the possibility that I may need to step back for the longer haul, out of self-preservation and not wanting to keep enabling my parents. The main reason why my sister and I are currently talking to geriatric care managers about our situation and whether they might be able to help is because it's clear that our efforts to persuade our mom (and to some degree our dad) to change their situation haven't worked. The obstacle for them is not fiscal. They have the money. It's a mix of our mom's indeciveness and negativity, and our dad's unwillingness to force a decision about any of the things they're trying to figure out. A third party without familial baggage might be able to have an impact that the two of us can't.
All of that being said, I'm navigating this with little experiential insight and would be super grateful for anything that some of you might want to weigh in with here.
When we are telling you to step back, it's because if you are propping them up in any way, you are actually preventing them from getting help. It doesn't mean that you don't care about them, it means that you are stepping back so the next crisis can be used to make a major change in their situation.
You sound like a very methodical, reasonable person who goes step by step when there is a problem to be solved. So you are stuck on this step, so to speak, and frustrated because when your parents complain to you, you see that there are logical next steps if only they would take them. You are asking us if there is any way to get them to see reason, any way that you can force them to understand that there is a logical next step to safety and maybe even happiness if they will only listen to you.
The truth is that there just isn't. Now, getting a manager in to talk to them MIGHT work. It depends on if they are more likely to listen to a professional break down the process and how it will help them. Perhaps if they will take the word of an authority figure over your word it will work. But if what is happening here is that your parents want to stay in their homes until they die and no other answer will suffice for them, then there is little you can do. I am not discouraging you from trying. I think you should try. But you should also step back at the same time. You should get into therapy to find ways to let go of not the love you have but the very reasonable desire to control the situation.
It is very frustrating because you know what is best for them in this case and from what I recall about your situation, they do not. They think they do, but it's not safe for them where they are. It is a hard time in life, and I totally sympathize with both them and you. I too would not want to leave my home, but I am drawing up papers in advance that will allow my kid to make it possible to do just that if I can't make good decisions anymore. It's a dance, my friend. You step forward to help, you pull back when they refuse, and at some point they become too compromised to legally refuse.
Back in their day no one was treated for mental health issues, and so we have a lot of people running around out there who could have a more comfortable, easier time with life and enjoy it more than they do. It is sad that we can't convince them to do these things.
My suggestion would be to write the options out, in two (or more) columns. One column is ‘stay the same, do nothing’. The alternative (in the last column) is that you cut (or scale way down) your contact with them.
After one discussion with both of them about what the options involve, refuse to talk to either of them about how to choose or what they disagree with. No choice means you scale down contact.
If your mom starts to complain about your dad, say, "Mom, I don't want to hear it. Work it out between yourselves." Same wording if your dad complains about your mom. Your father could man up, but he won't. Your mother could stop whining, but she won't.
So just step back, and let them be. I'm sorry. My frustration level goes up when I read your posts because you SO CLEARLY WANT TO HELP. But they won't let you. I can only imagine how hard it must be.
Having healthcare directives won't mean anything except to whomever has legal authority to carry them out: either you and your sister as their PoAs, or a legal guardian assigned by the courts -- which is where this will all go if no PoA is ever legally assigned.
A Geriatric Care Manager is not a mediator or a therapist or a legal advisor. I would have a meeting with them and your sister. At this meeting take 6 copies of durable PoA paperwork for them to fill out. THen you all drive to the bank and have all 6 copies notarized and each person keeps an original copy. THen and only then will you and your sister continue to help them. They need to know that if they don't take this important step you will be forced to call in APS to report their situation. This will lead to the courts assigning a 3rd party legal guardian and it won't be your or your sister and you'll not have any control as to what happens to them after this.
This is called a boundary. If you can't get this to happen, then you will be orbiting around them and exhausting yourselves. But never make a threat you aren't willing and able to carry out. Maybe you and sis practice ignoring them for a week and then contacting your parents to see how it went for them. Bad? Really? Ok, here is the paperwork for you to sign and things will be very different going forward.
Maybe this sounds heavy-handed but I lived through a similar scenario with my in-laws except they were dead broke and I had 3 young sons still in school while I and my husband were running our business full time.
If your Dad's cognition is waning then it is urgen to get this done. They still may refuse and then you have to look down the pipeline of reality by reading some of the copious posts on this forum from burned out adult children. It all comes down to your own decision, not your parents.
Everyone needs to see a "future" for themselves before they will take action. Right now, they may be thinking you want to put them away in a nursing home or worse! Obviously, that's not what you're thinking, so help them draw a picture of how great the rest of their lives could be in a different environment.
I would look into local Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs) like John Knox Village (and no, I don't work for them) if there are any in your area. Folks who move to CCRSs typically have a pretty great quality of life, and they (and you) get the freedom and peace of mind that come with knowing they will be taken care of. Look for activities they would enjoy and an environment that would suit them. I am wondering if mom's depression stems from not having enough social stimulation? A CCRS could change that pretty quickly!
Once you find a facility or two you think may be appropriate, invite them to visit for lunch. They will be treated like royalty and probably have one of the best days they've had in a while. No tours, no sales pitch, nothing more than possibly the sales director saying hello.
A week or so later, invite them back - they will jump on the chance because the first visit was so good. At this point, you may also say the Director of Admissions wants to give you a personal tour of the grounds. After they were able to see the beautifully kept grounds, swimming pools, restaurant, bars, entertainment and activities. It might be time to take a look at a unit.
Start big! Even if they end up choosing a smaller unit, the goal here is for them to feel like they COULD belong there. You should have an "OMG, I want to live here when I grow up" attitude throughout the process. Make positive suggestions like, "your couch would look perfect right here", "look how easy it is to do laundry" (or other tasks that may become a bit challenging for them), and "Mom you could start playing bridge again!!!".
When you sense that they are buying into the idea, the next question is, "Mom and Dad, could you see yourself here WHEN YOU ARE READY?" Remember, you are creating a future for them to live into, not selling, forcing or convincing them of anything. With your commitment and love for your parents, I know this will be easy for you.
Take them back again - this time for dinner. Have them really start "living the dream". Then shift the conversation from "when you're ready" to WHY NOT NOW?" They might say yes, but will probably say no, which is perfect if you manage the "no" well. Don't fight, argue, convince, coerce or try to sell them on anything. The next question is simply, "Any other reasons?"
This should allow you to slowly and methodically overcome those objections and start turning them around - when it becomes their "idea," they will act quickly, with urgency and resolve. Enjoy the ride - keep your conversations fun and light. Start building a future with peace of mind for everyone.
At some point, you can bring the conversation to, "Mom and Dad, you can afford this and still make sure we are taken care of. Both of us (sisters) will support you 100% and think it would be the smartest idea. If they agree, ask them to call Mr. X to schedule an appointment JUST to look at the numbers. (Don't tell them you will call - keep having it be their idea.)
This is a slow-and-steady approach. I don't know your folks; it may not work. And if they are rock solid NO, that's fine too. At some point, maybe Adult day care for dad and a home care companion for mom? Please, whatever happens, allow them to age gracefully, knowing they have two daughters who love them, not two daughters they resent for trying to take over their lives.