So this has become a rather sad and stressful saga for my family. For the last few years, my parents have been trying to gear up to move to a smaller house that's more suitable for aging. My dad (77) is in decent health overall, but my mom (71) has been suffering from anxiety and depression for the last couple of years. It's been a challenge for her for longer than that, but it's gotten worse lately and one of the stressors is the fact that their current home is presenting more issues for them as they grow older. (Lots of stairs outside and considerable physical upkeep in the winter months.) And at the same time, her anxiety and depression...for which she still hasn't explored medication or modalities beyond therapy...make it very hard for her to commit to moving.
My sister (32) and I (37) have found ourselves playing a bigger role than we'd like to be playing, in trying to help them make the move. The other morning, the four of us sat down and had an action plan meeting, breaking down the moving process into actionable steps (several of which my sister and I can help our folks with.) But while my sister is very adamant that we should urge our parents to push through and make the move ASAP...on the hunch that it will provide some relief for both of them...I still find myself on the fence about whether this is truly the best approach.
Given how emotionally intense and traumatic moving can be, I'm worried that too much prodding and interventional support from us to help them make the move will lead to our mom's symptoms getting significantly worse. One of the things that's delayed their move is that she always comes up with reasons why potential places wouldn't work. But at the same time, delaying the move and staying put indefinitely has led to the inevitability of having to move someday feeling like this big looming shadow for all of us; which has exacerbated our mom's anxiety and depression.
What really has to happen either way is medical intervention for our mom, because she needs help beyond what my sister, myself, and our dad are able to do for her. (We've encouraged her to avail herself of clinical supports multiple times over the last few years, but she always finds a reason to shoot this down...which is common with depression.) There's no option here that isn't going to be painful on some level, but I'm thinking about this from a "harm reduction" perspective, with two possible options for my sister and I to pursue:
Option A (our current road): Encourage and help our parents with making the move sooner, while continuing to try and persuade our mom to avail herself of clinical supports for her mental health.
Option B: Hit PAUSE on the move, focus on interventional mental health support for our mom, and resume the move when/if she experiences some relief with her symptoms.
As far as I can tell, the risk of Option A is that it worsens our mom's health. And the risk of Option B is that she doesn't respond to our entreaties and continues to struggle, as the move looms larger.
Anyway, I'm putting this out there and grateful for any thoughts, caveats, or ideas that people might want to offer. My heart breaks for my folks and at the same time, I'm starting to feel burnt out by it.
Please read Liz Scheier's memoir "Never Simple" about her attempts to intervene to help her mentally challenged mother for many decades along with the help of the entire Social Services system, city and state of New York. ALL TO NO AVAIL.
You are going to end up being and feeling responsible for all that goes wrong here, and this for them is a downward trajectory AT THE VERY BEST. You cannot take this out without the absolute ruination of your own life with awful repercussions for yourselves and your families. To be very honest, where mental issues are concerned you will never legally be able to intervene and you will be left with accusatory family who will blame you for all your help, continue to hold you responsible for their lives. You will move from daughter to caregiver. Daughters are loved. Caregivers are hated and struggled with. You cannot function for people who are not 100% cooperative. And you will not get any thanks.
You are not responsible for this. You are not trained for this. You are in no way equipped for this. I encourage you and sister to get together, get help for yourselves with good cognitive therapists, and stay out of the middle of any of this.
Let them make their own decisions. Do not give input. Your help is limited to packing the silver.
Rethink this. Rethink it all.
The truth is that THEY should have taken the lead a decade ago and planned their own aging. If they had, you and sister wouldn't be in this awful situation. But what's not done is not done, so of course you feel that you must jump in and fix it. The more you do for them, the more you'll be expected to do. People live into their 90s now, and your parents could also. Are you prepared to run all aspects of their lives for the next 20 years? What about your own retirements when you'll still be taking care of them way down this perilous and rocky road? How much of your lives are you prepared for them to leach out of you? It's a serious question.
I took care of my own parents, who lived into their 90s. I still resent that they didn't plan better. So I speak from experience: Stand back. Let what happens with your parents happen and stay out of it as much as possible. Don't prop them up; if you do, they are deluded that they're managing just fine, thank you.
If they ever get around to "oh, well, guess we'll move," don't enable them to relocate to a smaller home, where the problems will continue to grow. They need to be in assisted living with continuum of care so they'll have rehab, memory care, and long-term nursing on the premises so that they won't be confronted with moving again. Everything they need will be there, and you and sis will be free to vacation in Cancun far away from the stress and strife of handling this any other way.
I didn't embark on adulthood until my late 30s. I married my present (and last) husband at 40. We both completed grad degrees in our 40s and then had multi-decade careers in the nonprofit health/human services sector. Generous salaries and benefits were NOT on the agenda. We planned and saved as best we could, but our late start has been exacerbated by excess longevity.
That said, we don't expect our family to bail us out. We'll do as much as we can to preserve our finances and what remains of our capabilities. I hope to make my Final Exit in the not-too-distant future BEFORE I become totally incapacitated.
It sounds like maintaining this house is a lot of work. Your father is pushing 80 and might not be able to handle the winter outdoor upkeep very soon. So unless you and your sister want to step up and do it, I think it is best to get them to move. You write about starting to get burnt out now, just you wait if you keep them in this house. I've lived that scenario. My parents were in their house 15 years longer than they should have. Between health crises and house crises and my traveling 3,000 miles every other month to handle their care, being burnt out doesn't even come close to describing it.
I also agree that you should encourage your mother to see a doctor for a some antidepressant medication ASAP. To be honest, she is going to be anxious and depressed no matter where she is living. This condition will not go away. Getting her on medication will help her outlook on life.
Your Mom is not going to do anything to help herself or make a decision. You keep wanting her to be someone she isn't capable of being, never was, and never will be.
The ball is in your Dad's court to make the decision for the both of them, and then she will follow. You said he's in decent health, and I assume this also means cognitively. He needs to want it and not defer to his wife or wait for her buy-in: it's not going to happen. She's not participating in any decision-making and that's not going to change. She won't even take meds to help herself.
Hopefully your parents have all their legal ducks in a row: they've assigned PoAs, created Advance Healthcare Directives, Wills, maybe a trust.
May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you help them to help themselves.
I personally think that no matter when the move happens Mom will be upset .
More important is they make the move to the right place . Another house will soon be too much work as well unless they are willing to hire help .
Maybe an apartment or Independent living where meals are provided and house keeping would be better ? Then eventually assisted living ?
I had a mother who was depressed from menopause until she died . The one time she finally tried a med , the doctor told her it was for anxiety , which was the truth . But the medication was also used for depression . When Mom looked up the med in her little drug book ( as she did with all meds she ever tried for blood pressure so she could predetermine the side effects she would no doubt suffer from), she saw the anxiety med was also used for depression . She stopped taking it and said she wasn’t crazy .
The sting of it was , the antidepressant was working well before she stopped taking it . She never took a med for her mood again. I was surprised she waited until it was working well to look it up in her book. She must have realized she was happy and thought uh oh what am I taking .
I doubt your mother is going to change regarding a medication , that’s just my opinion though. There is a stigma some elders can’t get over about taking an antidepressant . You can’t help someone who does not want help.
My husband used to say “ Your mother would rather be miserable “.
I tried to fix my mother too , to no avail .
I'm 64, my ex-husband is 71, and our children are in their 30s. My ex has had nearly lifelong mental health problems. He often expected me to "fix" him, but then he resisted many of my attempts to help. I gave up. It breaks my heart that our children might feel compelled at some point to help him, and my anger at him for not dealing with his problems himself reappears occasionally.
I'm relieved that our children survived their childhood with a father who gradually abandoned us emotionally, physically, and financially. I feel guilt and grief that I couldn't do more to prevent the abandonment. More than anything, I don't want them to think they have to help him now. They, and you, deserve to live your own lives and not be occupied with fixing things that are out of your control.
But your mother is never going to be willing to do this, or anything else, sadly, until she gets medical help, which may never happen. So it's up to your dad, and he is choosing the path of least resistance, which is to sit back with your mom and let things get worse.
I can feel your frustration. I feel incredibly frustrated for you! Why can't they see this when it's so obvious?!
But I think you're right, that this has become too much of an overwhelming focus. And I think a CCRC or independent/assisted living community, as suggested by others, is the better idea than another house. But unfortunately it's not up to you to make the decision.
I would back off from pushing them directly. Whether your sister will agree, you can't control. But maybe start contacting the senior living places around you, and ask them to send their nice marketing packets. Then bring them over to your parents and cheerfully suggest that they take a look -- no pressure. Maybe when your dad has enough, he'll finally make a decision that he feels is HIS decision.
Let us know how things go. Like you said, it has become a saga, and probably will continue to be one for a while.
I think either option is okay. There is no right or wrong answer at this point.
I'd talk to Dad privately and see what he wants and support Dad in his decision.
I suspect Mom's depression and anxiety will get worse over time regardless.
It sounds like Mom will never be able to pick a place so I'd keep her out of this decision loop. My experience with family with untreated mental illness is that they are unable to compromise and make changes. If they do move I'd find a place that is acceptable to Dad and then tell her this is your new home.
Sometimes taking a break and doing nothing for 6 months and then revisit things will give you new insight.
Also, be aware that in the US it is legal to have untreated mental illness and it is legal not to take mental health drugs. Sometimes it can take months to years to years to find the correct med mix that can work. An individual has to understand they have a problem and want to go to the doctor to fix the problem. Many with mental illness don't think they have a problem.
I'd lean towards supporting what Dad wants.
When I'm faced with a fork in the road and no strong feeling either way sometimes I defer the decision for 6 months to reevaluate.
At 77 and 71 I'd nix the house idea and move them into an apartment or IL.
Have you thought about assisted living. The move needs to be if there is just one of them the other could stay. They are young enough it will be many yrs for them to enjoy a smaller house. House upkeep is a burden.
it doesn’t get any easier if it’s delayed- in fact if there are reasons fir the move then it could just escalate
that said
i think consideration for the new place needs to be thought about with care
near family for support
near medical
that the house addresses their current challenges ..
So is a bungalow more appropriate ? If stairs are an issue /does bathroom need to be altered etc
I would contact a health authority and get her medically assessed for not only her health but for her needs
Down play it - I’m having my yearly medical so I’m booking yours and dads in sane time and act like it’s nothing
health as u get older is scary but it needs to be addressed
your father must be struggling as well
action needs to be taken but get the health assessment first /contact charities for advice on what they think is needed
im sure they’d be more than happy to help if you pose it nicely
best wishes
Stepping back, drawing boundaries and not getting too wrapped up in their lives will allow you and your sister to have a different vantage point. This doesn't mean to not support them however. You should both read the book, "I Am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!: How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment". That can give you some insight into what's happening.
Then, getting the POA and othr legal ducks in a row is needed if not already done. Also, if your mother refuses to visit with a psychiatrist to start on medication, perhaps her primary care Dr. can be more effective than her family to do that-often just coming from an authority figure can make the difference.
Finally, it's ultimately up to your father to drive the move and as others have said, a move to a single level apartment or condo is more appropriate than a single family house at this point in their lives unless you ahve communities near you where there's small homes and the HOA's do all of the outside work. Wishing you all the best.
I would tell Dad that the ball is in his court and you will help him with whichever option he chooses as best you can without burning yourself out (or spending your own income or savings). But you are done with hashing over the options for months on end.
I think the best option would be continuum of care plus mom on meds. But it all depends on what he wants, can afford, and is willing to do.
I was in a similar dilemma when my dad developed dementia in his mid-70s and my mom could not cope. You can read more about it here:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-we-get-my-mom-to-accept-care-for-our-dad-497553.htm?orderby=recent
I did encourage her to move near me, which they did in 2022 though they didn’t downsize that much. I did 95% of the work (selling old house, inspecting and buying new house, packing, hiring movers, driving them here, setting up new house, bank accounts, etc) I wanted AL or continuum of care but she insisted on a house. It was better in some ways — all on one level, less yard care, and of course, me living 3 miles instead of 850 miles away.
My dad passed in 2024 and I still wrestle with how she copes with things vs how I wish she would cope with them. It’s a lot. I visit her 3X per week plus handle all her finances and I worry about her every day. My Going out of town is rare, but when it happens I worry a lot because she refuses aides. She has fallen a few times (uses a walker) but not injured herself so far.
I mention this just to say, the issues will not end if and when they move. But they may be in a better setting for when those issues occur.
Protect yourself in all this. You are already starting to feel burned out. Please pay attention to that cue your body and mind are giving you.
Eventually, one or the other or both will have a health crisis and that will force action.
For me, it's easy to see, when I read your statement that the house itself is presenting more challenges and stress for your parents, that they do, indeed, need to move sooner rather than later!
Yes, it's stressful to move. For all of us. Yet, your parents can no longer maintain this large house with stairs and maintenance beyond their capabilities.
Do you have another small home in mind? I would urge you to consider looking at assisted living facilities. This is an apartment in a community which offers support to individuals who need it. Then, they are not facing another move soon, when they can no longer maintain and get adequate support in a new, smaller home.
Your heart can break. It's tough growing older. There is no going back. We just lose ability, independence, and sometimes our memories and our minds.
I wish your mother would be open to clinical support for her condition, but I don't know if you can force it. I suppose, if you were to be assigned medical POA, and she was diagnosed as incompetent to make decisions for her own health care needs, you could make the decision for her, but if she refuses to swallow medication, there's really not much you can do.
Option B, pausing this decision for them to move, is only delaying the inevitable. And, in the meantime, they will not get stronger. It could reach emergency stage and you and your whole family are scrambling to find a new living arrangement for them.
Since death is certain, but the time of death is uncertain, what is the most important thing?"
Pema Chodron