My 86 year old mother has mild alzhimers (which is getting worse) my 89 year old father is total care, on oxygen 24/7 and cannot do care for himself in any way. He still is of mostly sound mind. My parents live in a 5000 sq foot home and refuse to leave or get help. I am here on a family leave from work (live in another city 2 hours away) and only came because my mother fell and came to help my Dad. When I came, I realized that everything is not okay, Every day there is some sort of problem or mistake. For example. bills not paid and sent to the wrong company, leaving the stove on, can't figure out how to even use the phone sometimes. My mother still has her drivers license (restricted) which is scary, My mother takes multiple medications for Alzhimers, and heart disease. She states that she does not need the medicine but sometimes takes it and sometimes doesnt. I put the meds in daily containers and constantly remind her to take them. I have talked with their friends, their church, their doctor, APS was also called (idk who called them), they spent 5 minutes here and my parents stated they did not need help so the case was closed. I feel that if I left as my mother wishes (my dad wants us to stay, he realizes they need help but is bullied by my mom into having us leave) that it would be unethical, unsafe and I get a knot in my stomach when I think of even consider leaving. No one will help us or they dont have the nerve to tell them (including me) that is is not safe. My doctor whom i spoke to about this suggested that I call APS again and put it into their hands. I feel so scared. I want to be respectful of my parents wishes but I cannot in good conscience leave them. What do most people do in this situation and can and who is available to help me. My time is running out from work leave and I need help!!!! Thanks for any suggestions. Again, my mother is very stubborn and aggitated and absolutely will not accept any help of any kind. I feel as though it would be neglect to leave them alone. Also my parents scream and yell at each other all the time, I grew up in a happy and healthy household, never used to fight. What should I do?????? HELP!!
I am afraid that tough love is called for here. First, have your parents given you their POAs?...if not, you should do that while you are there. Your father is of sound mind, so speak to him about it immediately. Next, you need to arrange for some in-home care so you can go back home and arrange for more permanent solutions. Get someone to come in at least once a day to both help and monitor their safety and health. They can call you if they find anything alarming.
The house needs to be sold...it is too big, too dangerous, and too much work for them. The assets can be used for their care.
If your mother resists, call in a trusted friend, clergy member, doctor, etc. who can act as a "buffer" as you explain to her why she needs to make this change. Give her limited options that will work for you. (ie: "mother, we either need to do this or that...choose one.")
The sad result of waiting too long is that they will either injure themselves, burn down the house, or neglect themselves until adult services finally comes in and declares them incompetent. That would be the worse scenario!
The one true fact of life is that we can't always get what we want, nor is it always safe to get what we want.
Good luck...let us know how things worked out.
Be it parents, grown children, friends who are married or single, etc., the most painful experience is when we have shared our best advice and we end up watching them self-destruct. When anyone has done their best and done all they can legally do, then that is how you live with yourself, otherwise you drive yourself crazy by somehow taking on someone else's choice as if you made their choice which is taking on far too much personal responsibility. You are in a tough place, but there are somethings we can change as well as some we can't and then there is the need for wisdom to know the difference. I have seen various kinds of self-destruction and non of it is easy, but I tried to do what I could except I could not make their decision. I use to over react emotionally to every needy situation that I saw and that about drove me insane for given how I was raised it was easy for me that somehow it was all my fault that these people or person self-destructed.
The main thing I see in order to do anything is with Mom's meds. With what you explained her mental stability is a major part of the obsticles you need to deal with. Understanding the meds and her condition is key for you. These meds are only effective if taken as prescribed and very important to be taken as routine same time everyday, if missed or overtaken will make the mental state worsen. Some meds are fatal if taken at the same time as another. Highblood pressure and aricept cannot be taken together(same time of day). Therefore someone needs to be monitoring the meds carefully. Mom cannot be trusted to take them in such a manor. You have options to control this possibly. Is your Dad well enough mentally to see this thru and without Mom fighting with him? Or a neighbor or friend of thiers to do it? At least for now to get her straight so you can resolve other issues. You really need to get DPOA to handle finacial and medical affairs. Talking to your Mom on a reality level will be difficult so you have to do whatever it takes to get her to sign. You can have papers prepared to your needs and go to notary with someone she trusts to sign. Instead of making it seem like shes giving up control you can tell her shes gaining control. There are better times of the day that the mood is better. Try not to argue with her(I know it's hard) and do not let her see anything that she may respond to negatively, let her believe she is in control. She is fighting you because her world is confusing and all she's got left is a feeling of independence. Music is a fantastic way to create a happy mood. One step at a time is best approach for you. The car issue can be easily solved if you disconnect battery or get set of fake keys and switch them to her key ring. You simply have to do whats best and in this situation you have to do whatever works. I told a friend of mine that it was not safe for her inlaws to drive. Her and husband didn't think it was a problem until they got lost one day far away, all 4 tires blown out and scared had no idea what was going on. Thank god noone was hurt. good luck
Good luck
Guess who had to organize the "intervention" and call Home Instead?
Who had to hire an attorney to protect my Mother from the step-kids after he died? Who found her a care home, manages her trust, and who had to finally bring her into our house?
You just have to take charge and as nice as you are, still might not be liked. Well, I can remember restricting my children when they were small, not letting them do certain things. It's called role reversal. You have heard about it, now it's here.
All the Best to YOU, and good to see you interacting and giving us feedback!
Great advice from my favorites friends, too:)) Hugs, Christina
Alzheimer's. ... It robs you of yourself before it robs you of your life. I don't think your Mom is in denial -- or purposely stubborn --, but isn't able to understand the gravity of her situation. Bottom line is that they both need help. And should get it whether she likes it or not.
-- ED
Mom had been doing fine until early in 2010 when she developed a heart problem. Now she is often confused, having difficulty making financial decisions, cannot even begin to balance her checkbook. She is very lonely and hallucinates my Dad and her parents are there with her (sundowners syndrome, we think). I've spoken to her doctor and been to appointments with her. At the most recent visit he did a Mini Cognitive test (at 10:30 am) and reports he sees some mental issues and cognitive weaknesses. It took a week of calls to finally convince his staff call Mom to have her go back to see the doctor. She refused to go.
My other brother lives closer to me than to Mom, has a job which requires a lot of travel and has his own health issues, too. But between the two of us, we try to address Mom's issues. We a met with an in home care representative a few months ago. Mom's reaction -"I'm not ready for that yet".
I could go on and on, but you get the point. We are not alone in this situation and the sad part is that we cannot easily convince our aging parents to accept our good intentions.
Last night, my husband and I argued about Mom for the first time. It will be the last time I can allow that to happen.I have been upset about this for nearly 2 years now and the situation is getting worse not only for Mom, but for the rest of us. I think we have to take better care of ourselves.
I believe I must step back a little and monitor things with binoculars instead of a magnifying glass. I hate the idea that something bad may happen, but legally, I can't prevent it yet.
Like your Mom, our Mom is argumentative and somewhat of a bully with me, in particular. I am sad to say, I'm accustomed to that. I had an aha moment this morning. Though I want Mom to be safe and would love to help improve the quality of her life, if she doesn't want it I can't force it....yet. So I'm giving myself permission to relax a little. The time will come when she doesn't have a choice and I will know what to do.
So, let's take care of ourselves as we wade our way through this most difficult time in our lives. I will try to remind myself that I still have a life and my own family who want me to have a good quality of life, not this hole of dispair I have fallen into. I hope you can find peace, too.
I know you're afraid of what you may find this weekend. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep reminding yourself what you already know, YOU can't change this. One thing you CAN do is try not anticipate what you'll find and deal with what you do find when you get there.
Since I wrote my post this morning, my brother wrote me a slamming note because I made a decision not to force Mom into accepting in home care next week. He'll "take care of it" even if he has to take her into his home. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be going through this now! (geeze) I just can't get a break.
Ah, the most rewarding thing? After I toured 2 assisted living facilities tonight after work, I called Dad to arrange to take him to visit on Saturday. He told me he has enogh help with my Bro & that I don't ever help him with anything because he doesn't see it. He doesn't remember that I was there 2 nights ago or anytime in the past month.
I start mental therapy on Monday. :)
I got a cute story... a man at the NH sitting at Mom's table was about to eat his desert (best part of the day for him probably)
jokeing,in a silly manner, I said "if you don't want that I got my eyes on it" He said back to me "I'm not sacrificing this for anything" I started that conversation because I knew that desert was his focus at the time and wanted to get him to react, and make him feel he was in charge of his desert. I said "I was kidding I don't want it." He got the joke and Mom said to me "he's a nice man!" Actually my Mother stays far away from the unhappy people and anyone who bothers her or might put her in a bad mood. She also tells me who is "cool" and who "pisses her off". She remembers personalities, but has no idea she's living in a NH or what year,day,month,season it is. It took me a while to figure this out, but, communication goes way deeper than words. The strangest thing is, I know when my Mom is in some type of distress, I get a strong uneasy feeling and I check up on her and 9 out of 10 something is bothering her. I can't explain that but it's like she calls me telepathically. Keep the Faith & go with your gut instinct and stay strong!!!!
I am very sorry, but this sounds like one of those situations where it may take a crisis before anything will change. Continue working with the pastor.
But, since you're a nurse (as I am), check to see if any of the hospitals or geriatric practices in your area have one on staff. My hospital does, and she's been huge help to me. They have great ideas and resources. They know the eldercare attys in the area. They know the assisted living facilities. Plus, just talking to them is like a therapy session! The one at my hospital will help any employee for free. She also coordinates a Caregiver Support Group that meets once a month for employees, has speakers on diff't topics, etc. She talked to me about creating my "Circle of Support" - the people who'd be helpful to me, and would support my decisions when I'd have to have unpleasant talks or make unpopular decisions for my parents, who were still very much able to make me feel horrible, and say very mean, personal things to me when I didn't agree with them or was trying to keep them from being unsafe or preyed upon. The "Circle" can include friends who are good listeners, siblings or cousins, other people who are going thru the same thing...like this website even. I shared stories and resources back & forth with some cousins who were having a difficult time with my dad's brother who had dementia.
Best wishes to you! It's a tough situation You are just wanting the best for your parents.